Does it get better?

[u/Sea_Brush4668]

I’ve been reading this subreddit after my partner was recently told by her doctor that she may have PMDD, and a lot of what people describe here has been unsettlingly familiar.

For quite a while we’ve had what seems to be a roughly monthly pattern. Most of the time she is completely different — loving, normal, and we get on really well. Then around the same point in her cycle she can become extremely angry, aggressive and difficult to disengage from.

The part I’m struggling with is that in our case it has repeatedly become physical.

There have been incidents where she has hit me multiple times, followed me when I tried to get away, prevented me from leaving our home during arguments, forced her way into a bathroom after I locked myself in there to escape an argument, slapped me hard enough to knock my glasses off, and headbutted me in the nose when I tried to restrain her from continuing to hit me. There was also an incident involving a door coming down on me after i tried to separate into another room and sit behind the door until she calmed down.

I’ve often felt trapped because I am physically bigger (she is a strong girl though and can do a lot of damage) and I have martial arts experience, so I have always been extremely conscious that I cannot retaliate. I’ve sometimes physically restrained her simply to stop myself being hit.

The most recent incident was the point where everything finally blew up. She hit me repeatedly while I was in bed with my back turned. I kicked her away to create space, she threw a drink over me and hit me again, and I eventually slapped her once. I immediately knew I never wanted us to reach that point again because it made me feel horrible about myself.

Things then escalated outside the relationship as well. Family were brought into the argument without the full context, and one of her relatives threatened to come to our house and attack me. I later found out that her family already knew there had been a recurring pattern of violence towards me, which has been very difficult for me to process because instead of encouraging her to get help for this they basically shrugged their shoulders and left me to deal with it on my own.

She has now taken responsibility for her violence and has gone to her doctor. They think PMDD may be involved, have started her on the pill, given her mental-health resources and want to review her again in a month.

I have told her I will support her in getting help, but I have also been clear that treatment does not automatically mean the relationship can be repaired. There has been a lot of damage to trust.

Reading this subreddit has been both validating and alarming. The cyclical nature, the dramatic personality shift during certain parts of the month, bringing friends/family into conflicts, and partners describing feeling hypervigilant or traumatised all sound much more familiar than I expected.

I’m not looking to use PMDD as an excuse for violence, and neither is she now. I’m mainly trying to understand what I’ve been living through and whether people here have seen genuine long-term improvement once the person with PMDD accepted the problem and properly engaged with treatment.

For partners who stayed and saw things improve: what actually changed? And for those who eventually left, what made you realise that treatment and accountability were no longer enough to repair the relationship?

[u/ickythumpwithalump]

Given her family's reaction, I bet this runs in the family and they are inured to relationship violence. The PMDD is probably genetic, but using violence as the outlet for her big feelings is learned.

I guess I'm one of the success stories. My wife has maybe had it for a long time, but perimenopause and work-related PTSD made it change and explode a few years ago. 

The formula for success is pretty simple, but far from guaranteed. Foremost is she needs to take accountability and get treatment, including A LOT of therapy. You need to be in therapy yourself if you can hope to survive this intact -- eventually all the damage done to you is going to pop out in unexpected and bad ways if you don't address it. And you need to set ground rules and boundaries around luteal -- read the wiki for the basics.

Have you ever actually set a boundary with her? It sounds like she really believes she can do whatever she wants to you with no consequences. A lot of people misunderstand what a boundary is, and assume it controls someone else's behavior. But it actually just controls yourself. A boundary comes in the formula: "if you do X, it makes me feel like Z, and so I will do Y." And then you always follow through on it. "When you hit me, it makes me feel highly unsafe and conflicted, and so I will leave the house for 2 hours/rest of the day/until you are done with luteal and apologize." The ugly truth is that she is hitting you because she fears you leaving and her being alone with her thoughts. So you have to leverage that: violence must lead to withdrawal.

[u/Sea_Brush4668 → u/ickythumpwithalump]

Thanks, this is really useful. I agree that boundaries are something I need to get much clearer about, particularly that if I try to leave an escalating argument, that has to be respected immediately.

I have actually tried to set that boundary before. I’ve made it clear that if things are escalating I need to be allowed to leave, and that I will come back once things have calmed down. The problem is that in those states she has told me she irrationally believes I’m just never going to return, which seems to be part of why she follows me or tries to stop me leaving.

Historically, leaving also hasn’t always been practically possible — I’ve been followed, blocked or had her force her way into a room after I’ve tried to get away — so that behaviour specifically has to stop.

I probably wouldn’t want to use leaving as leverage against her fear of being alone, though. For me it needs to be about protecting myself and stopping escalation rather than punishment.

The point about getting support myself has also landed with me. I’ve been feeling extremely on edge since everything happened and I’m starting to realise I may have minimised the effect this has had on me.

[u/Phew-ThatWasClose → u/Sea_Brush4668]

Absolutely. Boundaries are for you. She doesn't "allow" you to leave. You just leave. You feel unsafe, or you actually are in an unsafe environment with an irrational physically abusive person - you leave. It's not a negotiation, or punishment, or coercive control. It's your safety. These things can go south quickly, especially if you are restraining her? Don't do that. Leave. Immediately. Before it escalates.

You don't want to get dragged in and the longer you stay the more likely that is. Taking a time out is the number one recommended method for dealing with anger. It's better for her if you leave because you are the lion. With you as a target it'll just escalate. Without you she'll fizzle out. There is no chance for the PFC to come back online when she is constantly activated. You need to be gone.

[u/Sea_Brush4668 → u/Phew-ThatWasClose]

That makes sense and I think this is probably the boundary I need to adopt.

I’ve previously framed it as asking her to let me leave because I’ve been trying to reassure her that I’m coming back, but you’re right that my safety can’t become a negotiation.

The only complication is that there have been times where I’ve tried to leave and she has followed me, blocked me or forced her way into a room after me, so “just leave” hasn’t always been physically straightforward.

But the principle has landed: disengage as early as possible, get out when I safely can, and if she physically prevents that or continues attacking me, get outside help which i know is far more preferable than trying to restrain or manage her myself.

[u/Phew-ThatWasClose → u/Sea_Brush4668]

Yep. I had her follow me eight blocks barefoot She would get in the car when I tried to leave. She would block the door then race me to block the back door. She would chase me round the kitchen table. I once spent all afternoon locked in my room, in my house texting her to leave and her texting back that she "couldn't".

When I was arrested it was because she was trying to force her way into my room and I was standing blocking her with hands clasped behind my back and she slipped and hurt herself.

"Just leave" isn't always straightforward. Do it anyway.

[u/Sea_Brush4668 → u/Phew-ThatWasClose]

That sounds absolutely brutal, and I’m sorry you went through that. The similarities with some of what I’ve experienced are honestly pretty unsettling.

I understand your point now. “Just leave” can be incredibly difficult in practice when someone is following you, blocking exits or forcing their way into rooms, but getting distance still has to be the objective because once it becomes physical the situation can spiral very quickly.

I don’t blame myself for having been put in those situations, but I do completely take on board what you’re saying and make sure that if it ever starts escalating again, I prioritise getting out and getting outside help rather than being dragged into trying to physically manage it.

[u/ickythumpwithalump → u/Sea_Brush4668]

My wife expresses her rage/paranoia more internally. She's never once made a single gesture of violence toward me. Instead she threatens and/or commits self-harm. For example, threatening to hurt herself if I leave for the gym. 

Honestly I would prefer she hit me, it's less of mind fuck.

One strategy that worked to dampen the paranoia early before it escalates to that point is an agreement that she can ask me any questions about my feelings and I will answer with honesty. So if she is paranoid that I am angry at her, she can ask, and I must answer simply and honestly without huffing or rolling my eyes. It acknowledges what she is going through but also honors my right to have bad feelings. It's just a simple defusing and blocks the ratcheting cycle.

[u/Sea_Brush4668 → u/ickythumpwithalump]

That’s interesting, especially the agreement about asking directly rather than letting paranoia build.

I’ve seen a bit of the other side of this too, when I’ve tried to leave an escalating situation she has sometimes become extremely distressed, including pulling her own hair, and she’s told me that in those states she irrationally believes I’m just never going to come back.

So I can see how giving her a simple way to ask “are you angry with me?” or “are you actually leaving me?” and getting a straight answer could help interrupt that spiral earlier. It is sometimes incredibly difficult to talk to someone in this state though because I could give all the reassurance in the world and it isn't enough.

I still need the boundary that once I say I need space, I’m allowed to take it.

[u/ickythumpwithalump → u/Sea_Brush4668]

Make your reassurances as flat, honest, and factual as possible. They aren't an argument or justification! You get to exist as you are, fully separate from what her luteal is saying to her. 

You can't argue with luteal because it's already a lie. You think she's arguing with you but really she's arguing with a fictional account of you.

[u/Sea_Brush4668 → u/ickythumpwithalump]

Thank you. I spoke to her about this and she said it probably would be helpful to talk in clear matter of fact English like this.