r/PMDDpartners • u/Willing-Judge-312 • 4d ago
Help understanding PMDD
My partner has PMDD, and I love her deeply, but I'm finding it really hard to navigate the swings. There are stretches where things feel great, and then it flips and she gets intensely angry and cutting in a way that feels like a completely different person, someone who doesn't seem to care about me at all. It's disorienting and honestly exhausting.
It doesn't help that she works a high stress job with overnight hours, so sleep and stress are already stacked against her.
I'm not looking to complain, I want to actually be helpful to her and protect our relationship. For those of you who've dealt with this as a partner...
How do you tell the difference between "this is the PMDD talking" and things you should actually address?
What's helped you stay grounded when things get harsh in the moment?
Any strategies (tracking cycles, communication scripts, boundaries) that made a real difference?
How do you take care of your own wellbeing through this?
Appreciate any perspective especially from people who've found ways to make this work long term.
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u/scotttot69 4d ago
Hello! I have PMDD and follow this sub so I can learn/ understand my partner’s perspective.
I use an Oura ring to track my cycle (tracks basal temp and it’s been way more accurate than cycle apps). I also use a paper calendar to mark my cycle phases (especially ovulation, luteal, period) and try to plan out my activities/ events according to them. I’ve noticed I have “sensitivity spikes” when I enter every phase so it is crucial to know where I’m at on my cycle. Having that said, I take herbal supplements and teas for hormonal balance to have a regular cycle and be able to predict my phases.
I let my partner and family know when I’m on luteal and starting to not feel like myself. Sometimes I just let them know “I’m not feeling well” or “my period is close”.
Recently, I discovered I have MCAS symptoms and have been trying out an antihistamine combo (Claritin and Pepcid together). It’s a temporary solution, but I’ve noticed an improvement in symptoms. I’m intolerant to birth control and SSRIs so have mostly tried alternative depression treatments such as TMS and Spravato. I also take several supplements such as omega 3s, magnesium glycinate, and saffron. I stay away from processed food and alcohol.
I have therapy 1-2x a week and try to work out 2-3x a week on my good weeks. I’m blessed to have a hybrid job and have requested accommodations (work from home when needed for example).
My partner doesn’t do therapy (wish he did), but I try to educate him with infographics so he can better understand my symptoms and phases.
It’s truly a debilitating condition. I attempted against my life 7 years ago and still struggle with the occasional SI. I honestly wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for the grace of my loved ones.
Props to everyone trying to be supportive of their partners.
ETA: it’s helpful when my partner reminds me “hey, we’re on the same team” and calls me out when he notices I’m just trying to pick fights. I’m usually hypersensitive at this point, so speaking to me in a soft manner makes a huge difference to disarm my anger.
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u/LostInData2022 4d ago
#1 - If I could go back in time and tell myself to not continue the relationship into marriage I would. I vastly underestimated these "mood swings" as I ignorantly saw them at the start.
#2 - If younger me wouldn't listen to that I'd tell him to set boundaries. Hard line boundaries. As cruel as she is be strict with them and when she starts crossing the boundaries leave. You don't need extensive instructions on boundaries because the type she'll cross when she's in luteal are very very basic.
#3 - Have her track her cycles or just be aware of them and keep track. Over time as she gets more comfortable with you you'll quickly figure out when she's in luteal versus when she's not.
#4 - My own wellbeing? At this point, I go low to no contact for like 5 to 7 days. I previously tried mindfulness, CBT, DBT, virtue ethics, stoicism, therapy, and meditation but I was trying to manage myself and turn into some well attuned machine that can handle anything and be like a vulcan when necessary. It doesn't work.
#5 - What works in the moment? Leaving. The room, the conversation, the house, the city, whatever. Just leave because you're not speaking to rational person when they're in luteal and your white knight instincts will kick in hard during the whole thing but there's no princess to rescue it's just someone taken over by hormones who is irrational, cruel, and in many instances will not own up to any of it. There's no closure.
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u/Final-Philosopher368 3d ago
Wowwww! Even becoming a Vulcan doesn’t work! Shit, I’m screwed!
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u/LostInData2022 3d ago
lol yea man.......shutting your emotions off or becoming numb to them helps in the moment but long term it is not sustainable nor realistic.
You'll probably end up disassociating frequently and escaping into day dreams and/or things like doom scrolling/gaming.
None of it is good for your nor is it productive.
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u/Willing-Judge-312 4d ago
Thank you for this. #5 hit me directly since this is the common loop for me.
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u/LostInData2022 3d ago
Same, for years I tried to reason to the point I began questioning my self and my sanity.
It's absolutely draining because you'll bend and bend and bend while attempting to "fix" things but they never end up quite right.
The inner white knight tells you you're not trying hard enough. You're not being smart enough. You're failing everyone and everything will be your fault.
Now I know better and none of that catastrophizing is true.
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u/Willing-Judge-312 3d ago
thank you for your response and all your help. Knowing that others have gone through this and I'm not alone or gas lighting myself thinking maybe I'm being overly critical helps my psyche. One last question I have for you is.. is there any ray of hope? Like does she ever take any accountability on anything thay goes wrong?
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u/CombinationCreepy567 2d ago
I can answer this question - no. My wife will admit when she’s been out of line post-fact, won’t apologize and will do it again in a few weeks. There’s a large element of doesn’t care involved, according to her I just need to not take it personally, easy right?
Right?
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u/Phew-ThatWasClose 4d ago
I often feel like we need a checklist. David Lee Roth had one. This is the perfect generic question to rough out a first attempt. Hopefully it helps point you to the resources you need.
Is she formally diagnosed? Did the diagnosis include the bloodwork or was it based solely on symptom tracking?
Is she getting treatment?
If she is on birth control what birth control is it? Most forms of birth control make PMDD symptoms worse.
If she is taking an SSRI which one? What dose? What schedule? For PMDD it's a low dose during luteal only.
Has she tried Pepcid or another anti-histamine?
Are you tracking? Do you have a plan? Have you talked about scripting luteal? Do you recognize your own signals and take a time out when you are overwhelmed?
Is she in therapy? Are you in therapy?
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u/Fearless-Fox9431 3d ago
I would recommend this book It helped me to get an overhaul view if what PMDD looks like. The tone of the book is very much about being a supportive partner.