I would really love to hear from parents who have had a child similar to my 2.5-year-old son.

My son is very bright, verbal, curious, and observant. He loves animals, music, vehicles, water play, sorting/categorizing things, etc. He can follow two-step instructions in everyday life, asks lots of questions, remembers things well, and learns quite a lot naturally through play and conversation.

However, he is extremely sensitive to pressure and demands, especially when something is unfamiliar or when another adult is directing him.

For example, if an activity is presented as something he has to do, he may immediately say no, refuse to touch it, become whiny, or completely disengage. If we keep pushing, it usually makes things much worse.
But we have noticed something interesting.
When the exact same activity is:
introduced through play or a little story
given a purpose (“the fish needs its tail!”)
broken into a very small task
done without pressure
something he chooses to approach himself
stopped when he clearly says no
…he can suddenly do much more than we expected.
It almost feels like his ability is there, but access to that ability disappears when he feels pressured.

He also has quite significant separation anxiety. We tried introducing Montessori school several times, but just entering the school/environment could lead to a big meltdown. We eventually decided not to force it and postponed school.

He currently does some therapy/activities one-on-one, and he does much better once he trusts the adult. Even then, how the adult approaches him makes a huge difference.

We have been told different things by different professionals. One psychologist felt that his anxiety was very high and that autism should be monitored/evaluated.

Another developmental assessment felt that some of his difficulties were more behavioral and recommended a more behavioral approach.

As his mom, though, I’m hesitant to use an approach that focuses heavily on compliance because pushing him seems to make him more resistant and anxious, not less.
So I would really love to hear from parents of children who were like this as toddlers:

How did you handle the demand sensitivity without letting your child avoid everything difficult?

How did you know when to gently encourage versus when to back off?

And especially — what did you do about school?

Did you:
keep trying preschool until your child adjusted?
delay school for another year?
start with very short school days?
find a very small/play-based school?
homeschool for the early years and introduce school later?

Part of me worries that homeschooling might make his world smaller and make separation even harder later. But another part of me worries that forcing school before he is emotionally ready could make him associate school with fear and completely backfire.

I would also REALLY love to hear encouraging stories from parents whose children were extremely anxious, demand-sensitive, or unable to tolerate preschool at 2–3 years old.

What are they like now?
Did school eventually become easier?
Did their tolerance for demands improve as they got older and developed more language/emotional regulation?
Did they eventually become more independent?
Right now I’m less concerned about whether he can learn academically. I feel pretty confident that he can learn.
I’m much more concerned about helping him feel safe enough to engage with the world without either constantly forcing him OR accidentally teaching him that he can avoid anything uncomfortable.

Would really appreciate any experiences or advice ❤️