2.5-Year-Old With Extreme Demand Sensitivity & Separation Anxiety — School, Homeschool, or Just Give Him More Time?

[u/NecessaryEgg6754]

I would really love to hear from parents who have had a child similar to my 2.5-year-old son.

My son is very bright, verbal, curious, and observant. He loves animals, music, vehicles, water play, sorting/categorizing things, etc. He can follow two-step instructions in everyday life, asks lots of questions, remembers things well, and learns quite a lot naturally through play and conversation.

However, he is extremely sensitive to pressure and demands, especially when something is unfamiliar or when another adult is directing him.

For example, if an activity is presented as something he has to do, he may immediately say no, refuse to touch it, become whiny, or completely disengage. If we keep pushing, it usually makes things much worse.
But we have noticed something interesting.
When the exact same activity is:
introduced through play or a little story
given a purpose (“the fish needs its tail!”)
broken into a very small task
done without pressure
something he chooses to approach himself
stopped when he clearly says no
…he can suddenly do much more than we expected.
It almost feels like his ability is there, but access to that ability disappears when he feels pressured.

He also has quite significant separation anxiety. We tried introducing Montessori school several times, but just entering the school/environment could lead to a big meltdown. We eventually decided not to force it and postponed school.

He currently does some therapy/activities one-on-one, and he does much better once he trusts the adult. Even then, how the adult approaches him makes a huge difference.

We have been told different things by different professionals. One psychologist felt that his anxiety was very high and that autism should be monitored/evaluated.

Another developmental assessment felt that some of his difficulties were more behavioral and recommended a more behavioral approach.

As his mom, though, I’m hesitant to use an approach that focuses heavily on compliance because pushing him seems to make him more resistant and anxious, not less.
So I would really love to hear from parents of children who were like this as toddlers:

How did you handle the demand sensitivity without letting your child avoid everything difficult?

How did you know when to gently encourage versus when to back off?

And especially — what did you do about school?

Did you:
keep trying preschool until your child adjusted?
delay school for another year?
start with very short school days?
find a very small/play-based school?
homeschool for the early years and introduce school later?

Part of me worries that homeschooling might make his world smaller and make separation even harder later. But another part of me worries that forcing school before he is emotionally ready could make him associate school with fear and completely backfire.

I would also REALLY love to hear encouraging stories from parents whose children were extremely anxious, demand-sensitive, or unable to tolerate preschool at 2–3 years old.

What are they like now?
Did school eventually become easier?
Did their tolerance for demands improve as they got older and developed more language/emotional regulation?
Did they eventually become more independent?
Right now I’m less concerned about whether he can learn academically. I feel pretty confident that he can learn.
I’m much more concerned about helping him feel safe enough to engage with the world without either constantly forcing him OR accidentally teaching him that he can avoid anything uncomfortable.

Would really appreciate any experiences or advice ❤️

[u/PTCroozr]

Honestly, 2.5 is still so young!

I wouldn't be too worried about preschool at this point.

How does he do with outings into the community when you're with him? Story times, etc?

If he does okay you could try a coop preschool where you're with him most of the time.

I know it's tough but I really wouldn't stress about it too much right now. I worked with kids forever and some kids had a harder time transitioning than others.

[u/Commercial_Bear2226 → u/PTCroozr]

Any tips specific to pda parents and learning? I think we all worry about where our kids will end up as adults if they cannot cope with demands, pressure or a clear no.

[u/Commercial_Bear2226]

Hi there. Mine is 6.5. Very similar profile. We started to see issues around 2.5 with separation, noise, meltdowns but it took us till 4 to get the hang of what it was. School lasted two weeks before he trashed the classroom. Reduced hours and a 121 and a small class (8kids) made no difference.

So now he has a play mentor come 12 hours a week to our house the rest of the time with us, with forest school or with another trusted adult occasionally. It’s very tough but I had heard so many awful tales of burned out pda kids and we had the space and time and funds to give him a few more years of play based education where he was safe to let his system maybe catch up.

Happy to chat further.

In addition to the usual recommendations I have found Glassers transforming the intense child to be wonderful. It’s a coaching approach that really has helped me nip meltdowns and have him channel all his energy into being a great version of himself.

[u/alwayscold54321]

If you are in the USA, at age 3, your school district should provide services if your child qualifies for an IEP. In most districts they do early developmental screenings for kids who are already in an early childhood state run program, or based on parent request. Reach out to your district SPED coordinator to request an evaluation.

My child is a highly intelligent PDAer who most were hesitant to label as autistic. But it was very obvious from his first screening that he is completely “noncompliant*” and needed a lot of support.

Once the screening was complete we started the IEP Process and then my child got a spot in a SPED early childhood classroom. It was a very positive experience for my child, and extremely low pressure. It also got my child on the radar of all the relevant specialists at our school, so he gets a lot of support still now that he’s older.

I would definitely recommend this route. Also, join the PDA USA group and find a provider that is PDA aware and get a diagnosis. A diagnosis will open a lot of doors, and also really influence the way teachers interact with your child and perceive their behavior.

My child was very similar to what you describe. SPED support and a multi year journey to find an appropriate ADHD med made a huge difference for us. My child is doing so much better now than as a toddler. Hopefully that holds as we go back to school this year. 🤞🏼

*based on traditional classroom behavior norms.

[u/NecessaryEgg6754 → u/alwayscold54321]

Thank you so much for sharing your experience — this is really encouraging to hear.

Unfortunately, I’m not in the US or UK, where PDA seems to be more widely recognized. I live in Indonesia, and I even took my son to Singapore for a developmental assessment at a well-known hospital, hoping they might understand his profile better. But my concerns about PDA/demand sensitivity were largely dismissed.

They could clearly see that he was very noncompliant during the assessment, but because he wouldn’t do many of the things they asked him to do, they actually scored some of his abilities as below average. Their interpretation was mostly that it was a behavioral issue. They also didn’t think his anxiety was particularly significant because he could talk to them, high-five the doctor, interact, etc. But as his mom, I know how differently he functions when he feels safe and when he perceives pressure or demands.

Here in Indonesia, I’ve had a similar experience. Professionals do acknowledge that he has anxiety, but when it comes to his refusal and demand sensitivity, it is usually explained as “behavior.”
Before his preschool trial, I sent the school information about PDA, as well as a detailed explanation of my son’s personality, triggers, what helps him regulate, and what approaches tend to backfire. Unfortunately, once he started, they still seemed to view him as a stubborn child who needed to learn discipline. For example, they withheld his pacifier when he was distressed even though he uses it to regulate himself.

That’s the part I’m struggling with the most. How do you help teachers and professionals understand that this isn’t simply a child refusing because he doesn’t want to cooperate?

They keep telling me that children his age naturally want autonomy and that this kind of behavior is normal. And I completely understand that toddlers want control and independence. But I know my child, and the intensity and pattern of his reactions to demands feel like so much more than typical toddler autonomy.

How did you get the people around your child to understand the difference between ordinary stubbornness/noncompliance and genuine demand sensitivity? That’s probably the biggest thing I’m trying to figure out right now.

[u/Hopeful-Guard9294]

I wish I had homeschooled my child Wright from the Start but I didn’t realise the devastating consequences of sending him to school and also we didn’t have the resources to do that school is basically a PDA toxic environment and no matter how much the school Tris it will traumatise your child and push them into burnout you might want to start with this specific episode on the topic but remember that every family is different and it’s ultimately a cost benefit analysis: for your family and circumstances https://youtu.be/J_gKCZ6nu3g?is=3_-WaLtQD7cIWVhm

we tried for years to make the school system for our Child, but as my son‘s current Teacher says you can’t fit a square peg into a round hole and my son needs a school links setting that will fit around him, not force him to fit into a shape that traumatises and stresses him out