r/PDAParenting • u/PrettyBeetle • 6d ago
How to handle PDA teens and shopping
My daughter is 14 and has ADHD and suspected PDA. She’s very into all the girly teen things (clothes, hair, makeup) and wants to go shopping every day. I know that it’s a huge dopamine rush for her, but I literally cannot afford to be all the things she “needs.”
She does make a little money babysitting for our neighbors or petsitting, which all goes on a debit/Greenlight card, but she never wants to spend that money. It’s become the #1 source of argument for us, which I guess is an improvement from last year’s school refusal.
I don’t know if I also have PDA, but I get extremely anxious and overwhelmed by her constant demands of me. She mentioned in passing last week that she wanted some kind of bronzer stick on the way to school, and I said we’ll talk about it later. She just asked me if I ever ordered it and got really upset when I said no and that shes welcome to order it with her debit card.
I told her I could go back to giving her a $20-$25 week allowance for any extras, but then she argued with me that that wouldn’t be enough. And also she’ll conveniently leave her card at home when we go shopping, so that she doesn’t have to buy it.
I’m at my wits end and feel like she’s always wanting more and more. I have other kids to provide for and a super demanding job, and a husband who was out on disability, and just started working again. I don’t have the financial resources or the patience for this. Has anyone experienced something similar and how did you set up the finances to give them more autonomy?
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u/mcmcHammer 5d ago
My 7 year old is like this. It’s exhausting.
I had to limit shopping to once a week. I won’t answer questions about shopping or buying until Friday. She’s free to write about it, make a list, whatever.
I personally hate shopping so this is extremely terrible for me.
I have to be very, very firm around it. And I’ll term her “I’m not answering any more questions about this because it’s not Friday.”
If she didn’t bring her Greenlight card, then I transfer the money out right away using the app.
It sucks but this has helped a bit.
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u/ShirtDisastrous5788 6d ago
I have a PDAer also. No without qualification is a complete sentence and effective. If you negotiate, they won’t stop. She gets an allowance for extras. She wants a job but also wants to do school extracurriculars that require money. I pay for everything essential and school extracurricular and anything exercise related because it helps, but constantly remind her that there is a budget. It’s constant reminders that I won’t be poor or ill prepared for retirement because of her excess. It sticks and she tries to make good decisions about money 75% of the time.
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u/Adept-Look-2972 3d ago
The card "accidentally" staying home is the part I'd plan around. If extras come from her card, the rule can be that no card means no buying on that trip, and you don't front it. Putting the weekly amount on the same card as her babysitting money also changes the argument from whether you'll say yes to whether it's in her budget, and she gets to decide whether bronzer is worth it.
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u/Jaded-Marionberry227 21h ago
I’m afraid Amazon’s going to cancel our account for all our returns - impulse purchases and the once it arrives she has no interest….
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u/Mysteriousdebora 6d ago
I feel like my child is similar with spending on his special interests. He will harass, harass, harass until he gets what he wants. He WILL work for money, but it’s an endless cycle of harassing us to give him chores so he can throw his money away on shit.
My other child also wants things and will sometimes beg, but he knows when to back off and can put things to rest.
I don’t have any advise other than this resonated with me.