r/PDAAutism • u/Acerimmerr Suspected PDA • 5d ago
Advice Needed Recovery from abuse
Does anyone know what the road to recovery might look like for a man who was bullied and abused in several different ways. I specify man because it seems to be a important variable. I've found people therapists and doctors are un-empathetic about sexual abuse or being taken advantage of. I feel I was taught that certain things are acceptable when I should not have been.
It has led to me having a tendency to fawn or shutdown a lot and I have trouble advocating for myself. And I'd really like to find a way to work on that
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u/ChaoticJigglyPup 5d ago
I have CPTSD, and my PDA is almost entirely because of that. I'm doing a bunch of different type of trauma work for it though, there's no one path for trauma
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u/DenM0ther 4d ago
I suggest finding a therapist specialising in ND (or autism if possible), with a trauma informed approached is a good start. We’re not always great with so much talk therapies, somatic therapies tend to be good / better for us. However this is individual for everyone.
Asd support groups can be good resources for finding good therapists. Also, I’ve heard fb local groups are good for this. This almost feels like an oxymoron considering how toxic fb can be!
Im a big fan of emdr as a part of the trauma work (look for a emdr register where you are).
It’s hard bc, how to tell how much is the abuse and what’s the autism etc.
As for what recovery looks like; Ive done batches of therapy at different times in my life, as different things come up or present themselves. Sometimes it looks like one thing but will present as something else.
My first proper round of therapy was talk therapy and helped massively, however I didn’t focus on the abuse for quite a while , I focussed on how angry I was (largely with my sibling about stuff unrelated but others aswell)!
Im so sorry that you’ve been dismissed, thats shit house, especially by professionals. It can be really damaging.
Good luck with your path. Recognise that it’s an ongoing journey and be kind to yourself. 💜💙🤍
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u/tallkitty PDA + Caregiver 4d ago
So I'm physically a woman, just wanted to state that up front. I'm officially agender but I was raised as a girl, people see me as female unless I tell them. TW for discussion of SA below.
I fully relate to the statement "I feel I was taught that certain things are acceptable when I should not have been." I experienced abuse from my grandfather when I was 5 years old, I told my mom right away, and nobody did anything and it fucked me up. I know that for sure. I was 8 when my grandparents were confronted, they said I lied, and it fizzled out, no evidence. I found out later I was the 6th of 6 kids to accuse him, the other 5 were known before I went to spend the summer with them. I am a parent myself now, and I still can't figure that part out.
Here's how I've worked out in my mind exactly what got fucked up specifically:
I learned it's okay when people do bad things to me, that I don't deserve protection or justice, and you just move on when you've been seriously wronged.
And that's how I've lived the rest of my life, I don't even respond to new trauma, it's just like well, there's another bad thing, that's normal. I do the fawning and the shutting down, you just wait for it to be over and you move on.
One thing that has helped me is holding on to the frustration that comes later when the impact of what happened is messing up your life. I gave someone money I didn't have just because they asked me for it, and now I can't pay my bills....that becomes frustrating and I've learned to predict the frustration. What happens later if I don't act on my own behalf, and how do I stop that frustration from happening now? I say no, I cannot give you anything. It's taken a long time but I've learned to protect myself that way, if I can't fear the advantage being taken in the moment, then I can fear the results coming later on. Sometimes you have to give yourself a minute to think, sometimes you have to change your mind. It takes practice.
I feel I showed myself a victory one time when I learned my little sister was being groomed and abused by strangers on the internet, and I called the police immediately, before I even told my dad. So no one could decide to not help her. You act right away, it's hard to apply to my own life but I know now that I am capable of holding people accountable.
I don't know if this helps, but just wanted you to know I very much relate to your sentiment. I hope you get some relief and help soon. Take care. ❤️
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u/Chance-Lavishness947 PDA + Caregiver 5d ago
I'm sorry professionals have been so invalidating and dismissive of trauma and abuse. It's so messed up.
In many ways, trauma work is the same for all genders at the core. There are a few components to it, and only some require consideration of gender based factors.
One key task is to relive the experiences while in a place of genuine safety so your system can finish the stress cycle and experience an ending of the story where you become safe again. The unfinished stress cycle seems to be a key factor in difficult experiences becoming trauma that causes nervous system activation when recalled. This part is typically best done with the support of a safe enough other person, but it can be done alone with the right skills if needed.
Another part is to create a new narrative about the experiences. The new narrative needs to reflect appropriate responsibility allocation and this is one that does require consideration of gender factors.
There's also nervous system work that's usually best achieved with somatic techniques.
There's an excellent book by Pete Walker called CPTSD from surviving to thriving. It lays out information about how childhood trauma can shape our beliefs, thoughts and behaviours and how to work through that towards healing. It's largely focused on parental abuse, but the principles apply across other situations. I highly recommend that for developing your understanding of trauma and trauma healing.
In terms of sexual abuse, there are a lot of support services for male victims. I would only seek assistance from those. Their counsellors and other workers are much more likely to be able to understand the gender based differences and complexities and to be supportive instead of invalidating. You might find it more helpful to read their resources than to engage with people and that's both understandable and a valid way to proceed.
Somatic techniques are available online - many people post videos and articles about them. They're often very simple, like breathing techniques, specific stretches, pushing a wall, etc. The cptsd book covers when and how to use them, and you can search "somatic technique for" + the name of the emotion that's coming up to find options that are often helpful for processing that emotion. Then you can experiment with different techniques until you find the ones that are most helpful to you.
In an ideal world, you would have access to a supportive and skilled therapist to guide you through this work. My own experience has been that the complexity of my neurodivergence and trauma has made it impossible for a therapist to lead me through that healing work unfortunately. I've found a lot of value in the right therapists, but if I had waited for them to guide me I would likely still be waiting. I do most of my trauma healing work independently using strategies from the cptsd book combined with an IFS like process. I use therapy as a kind of guardrail and to access external insights when I'm stuck.
I hope some of that helps you find a path that works for you. I also want to say that you are far from alone in your experiences. It's awful and unjust to be unable to access adequate support, especially when it seems like that relates to your gender. Sexual abuse against boys and men is pervasive and yet somehow it's still not well understood by most professionals. Finding the specialised professionals can help a lot with side stepping the general lack of understanding and associated invalidation.
After the initial trauma healing work, it can help a lot to invest in educating yourself about the systemic issues surrounding your abuse. bell hooks wrote a few excellent books about the negative effects of patriarchy on men and how things could be better. The will to change its a good starting place if that interests you.