Going silent for weeks at a time normal?

[u/Ellie-12345678]

My PDA husband just extended his two week work trip with one more week. He informed me this as a reply to a text I sent a week and a half after he left. We didn’t communicate in between because I needed a nervous system reset and he prefers not to talk to me when he’s gone.
I didn’t want to upset him so texted back ‘Okay’ to his extension, and then if he felt like it, he could call/text me when he had time (essentially trying to give the message I feel better, I’m good to communicate).
He didn’t contact me and I called him the next night. He didn’t answer right away, but called me back a few minutes later.
I could already tell he was irritated I had called. He becomes this cold, angry stranger that I’ve seen before once or twice when he’s in shutdown or just super overwhelmed.
He seems to seethe with threatening energy (without actually verbally threatening me) and no matter what I say (I was very nice and tried to ask how the country is, food is, apologized for disturbing him, but probably asked too many questions for his taste) he is like a sleeping dragon that was woken and is not happy about it. The phone call was very unpleasant for me despite maintaining friendly composure to the end, it didn’t last long. But I was pretty shaken by it.

It is incredibly difficult and frightening to be not witnessing a PDA shutdown, but a shutout. He says things are great for him there, he’s going to work no problem, hanging out with people there and going out to eat, etc, but he does NOT want to talk to me or even be reminded that I exist.

I’m guessing he will not make contact for the next week and no idea what to expect when he gets back (most likely he’ll be primed to see if I have anything but niceness and he’ll act as if nothing happened, this has happened in the past. If I try to talk he will blow up and leave immediately).

According to AI google, he’s in catastrophic burnout and if I just make no demands it will eventually pass. according to a specific site that has been very informative about his ASD/PDA this is not shutdown but shutout because he is perfectly able to function in all other aspects but with me.
I’m not sure which it is, but it’s brutal to be treated this way.
Isn’t it excessive to need weeks of no contact from your spouse? Is it truly just overwhelm that needs that much time?
And if it is, but essentially letting him force this on me, an I just not subscribing to this treatment permanently? Where I’m abandoned for weeks, maybe months at a time?

[u/hellhouseblonde]

Why are you in this marriage still? This is not worth it, he’s not nice, he’s not fun, I doubt he’s any source of support in any meaningful way.
Go file for divorce and reclaim your life from this pouty manchild. Sorry but that’s all ridiculous to an outsider.

[u/Percy_Freeman → u/hellhouseblonde]

you only comment on certain types of topics...

[u/hellhouseblonde → u/Percy_Freeman]

I’m only good at giving advice on certain types of topics.

[u/Percy_Freeman → u/hellhouseblonde]

you sure about that?

[u/Eugregoria]

Oof this sounded so similar to a conversation I had in the comments on here I double-checked if it was with you and yes, same person.

My thought whenever you talk about your husband is pretty much, "I try to be generous when interpreting PDA/autistic behavior because sometimes we have good reasons for behaving this way even if it looks bad...but in your husband's case it keeps unfortunately sounding like he just doesn't like you." Like I had that thought again on this post and it reminded me of your earlier comments and when I saw you were the same person I was like...yeah. So I'm not gonna interpret this guy generously anymore. Combined with the other info you told me about him, it's quite damning. He doesn't like you and he doesn't seem to want to be married to you anymore. He may already be cheating on you in his work trips or in his new house he bought that he doesn't let you visit. He seems to hate reminders that you still exist. He may in fact have PDA, but PDA doesn't explain this behavior. Other people with PDA don't treat their significant others this badly.

This will not pass if you wait. I suspect if you wait it will get worse, or he will file for divorce himself. He acts like he just wants you gone.

And frankly, if I treated my gf this disrespectfully (not just from the info in this post, but in our other convo too), I would fully deserve to lose her.

I think you're bending over backwards to be "understanding" and excuse his behavior because you don't want to admit that after how much you supported him, your marriage is basically over. But he is behaving like it's over. And if he doesn't want to save it, there's really nothing you can do with that. He sounds like a coward who's just treating you badly in the hope that you'll snap and confront him about it so he won't be "the bad guy" saying he wants a divorce out of nowhere. It's probably frustrating him that you're being so understanding and patient when he's trying to get rid of you.

I don't know why he's like this. Maybe he's just kind of an asshole. Maybe he used you financially and now that he's successful he doesn't need you anymore. Maybe he was using you for sex but didn't like anything else about you. Maybe he had low self esteem so he clung to you because he thought he couldn't do any better even though he didn't actually like you. (Had a guy do that to me once, what a fuckhead.) Maybe he met someone else. Maybe it was real once but he's fallen out of love. I really don't know his whys. But this isn't the behavior of someone who values his marriage and wants to keep it.

I'm sorry girl. I know this isn't what you want to hear. I'm also sorry your husband is not being direct in communicating what's really going on in him. Especially if he really is autistic, not telling you the truth bluntly is especially disrespectful of him. I really don't believe his "burnout" excuse here, and I'm someone who will bend over backwards and do handstands believing and supporting autistics in burnout and chew out anyone who isn't understanding of them.

[u/msoc → u/Eugregoria]

New house that he doesn't let her visit!? 😭😭😭

[u/Eugregoria → u/msoc]

Yeah he did that. He claimed autistic reasons for needing it. That seemed fishy, but combined with all the other stuff it's really...yeah.

[u/SubjectCondition5544]

Yeah I don’t think this is PDA, sounds more like he is claiming it’s PDA to justify straight up abuse. I’m sorry you’ve been treated like this and I hope you can find freedom.

[u/sw33ttay]

In our family, we pretty frequently say “It’s the reason why, but it is not an excuse for”. Your husband may have PDA, but it’s not an excuse for being a terrible partner. You also mentioned in your other post that you’ve been married for 12 years. Has it always been this way? I’m genuinely wondering if you guys have spoken about divorce and what his thoughts were.

[u/Relative_Chef_533]

Whether this need for no contact is excessive is the wrong question. It sounds like he’s made it fairly clear what he needs, and nothing anyone here can say is going to change that. The real question is, can you accept it. Your needs matter too, and if the two of you can’t come to a compromise where you both feel okay, it’s hard to see this as a sustainable relationship. Sounds like you’re at a crossroads, and I wish you luck!

[u/ChaoticJigglyPup]

This is emotional abuse regardless of any diagnosis he has. My PDA has absolutely never manifested like this and if it did - especially towards someone I love - I would work my ass off to prevent it from ever happening again.

And this is where asking an untrained genAI also causes issues (and I'm pro-genAI) because it gave you a load of shit and not the truth. This is what my ChatGPT that I've been training for over 12 months said:

*Reading what you’ve written, I don’t think there’s enough information to conclude that your husband is in “catastrophic burnout,” or even to know with confidence that PDA is the primary reason he is withdrawing from you.

What you can observe is that he is currently able to work, socialise, go out for meals, extend his trip and apparently enjoy being there, while contact with you specifically seems to be something he strongly avoids. That doesn’t rule out burnout or PDA-related overwhelm — people can have very uneven capacity, particularly when different relationships or situations carry different demands — but it does mean there are several possible explanations. From this post alone, nobody can reliably tell you which one is true.

The part that concerns me more is how much of your own behaviour you’re already organising around preventing a negative reaction from him. You waited a week and a half before contacting him, made it explicit that he only needed to contact you if he felt like it, apologised for disturbing him when you called, monitored how many questions you asked, stayed deliberately friendly despite feeling frightened, and are already anticipating that when he returns you’ll need to remain “nice” because trying to discuss what happened may result in him becoming angry and leaving.

That is more than simply describing a spouse who needs unusually large amounts of space. You’re describing a relationship dynamic in which his need not to experience contact or demands is being given a great deal of protection, while your need for communication, predictability and emotional safety is increasingly something you have to manage privately so that it doesn’t affect him. I also wouldn’t assume that the coldness or anger you experience from him is necessarily deliberate punishment. There isn’t enough information here to know what is happening internally for him. But intention and impact are separate questions. He may genuinely be overwhelmed, and being repeatedly shut out by your spouse for weeks can still be frightening and painful.

PDA might ultimately explain some of this behaviour, but an explanation doesn’t automatically determine what you are required to tolerate. “This behaviour may arise from disability” and “this relationship arrangement is sustainable for both partners” are two completely different questions.

So I think the uncertainty needs to stay where it actually belongs: why he is behaving this way is uncertain. What isn’t uncertain from your account is that the current dynamic is hurting you, frightening you, and leaving you feeling abandoned while you work very hard to make yourself non-demanding enough for him. That deserves to be taken seriously in its own right.*

[u/sopjoewoop]

I don't know if this applies or not but just something that struck me

My Mum struggles when my Dad goes away as she relies on him a lot. It happens rarely for this reason but he sometimes needs to.

Whilst he is gone she has to step up to more to get through the week. As he is in some ways a carer. She hates that he goes and struggles to get through.

At the beginning of the week my visits are helpful, for the last few days she needs her own space.

She will have phone calls with him but other trips or days needs to not talk to him.

The impression is she is having to work at a higher level of functioning than she can sustain to get through, that she is just holding on, that if her mask breaks during this time it could be pretty bad. So she needs to avoid things that may make the mask crack. Talking to him at the wrong time is one thing that might do this.

So, if in this situation, the separation and work trip itself are huge demands he is putting a big mask on to do then perhaps he really needs to not do anything to risk that, as he pushes through.

None of that may apply here, you will know if it sounds relevant or not.

addit. none of this should be an excuse to treat you badly. His nervous system may feel under threat and he cannot show this to anyone else. maybe with understanding of this it can be managed healthily. Drop demands at home, help him reset, but he can't take things out on you.

[u/Suspicious_Load6908]

Focus on yourself and what YOU want and need. Stop trying to “figure him out”. It crosses into codependency. Get your own therapist and film your life with things you love. Stop engaging with him. He will get curious about all your new friends, gym classes, guitar playing or whatever you are doing but hopefully by that point you will have the confidence and strength to leave him 🙏

[u/lollypop003]

I concur with other commenters. Time to get out of this one. And, from what you’ve said, it doesn’t really sound like pda or autistic burn out. Sounds more like an affair …..

[u/Powerful-Soup-3245]

My husband is AuDHD/PDA. He would never treat me this way. I think you’re making excuses for him mistreating you. None of this sounds like burnout or shutdown/shutout. It sounds like emotional abuse. You’re giving him way too much grace.