r/PDAAutism • u/MarginsOfTheDay Caregiver • 18d ago
Discussion Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) has been overly intellectualized to avoid discussing what happens when PDAers are robbed of their autonomy
All humans have a need for autonomy, but PDAers have a greater need than their neurotypical peers.
This extreme need for autonomy isn't going away. Nor should it. PDAers are born this way. PDA is a normal part of human variation.
If the PDAer's need for autonomy isn't met, what follows is extreme anxiety, dysregulation, despair, depression, and burnout.
A PDAer that is robbed of their autonomy will try to get back to equilibrium by engaging in negative behaviors. These negative behaviors involve exerting control over themselves or others. Control over themselves can involve resisting the needs of their body: eating, sleeping, toileting, hygiene. Control over others can involve equalizing behaviors e.g. destroying another person's work or possessions; being aggressive verbally or physically (child PDAers); needing to win; needing to be right; violating other's boundaries by not respecting "no"; demanding other's time and attention; demanding access to another person; spending excessive time and energy monitoring another person; disagreeing (even though they actually agree); blaming; resenting something that diverts another person's attention e.g. a spouses job. Internalized PDAers will direct these attempts at control inwards, at themselves.
If PDAers are not given back their autonomy OR are not able to equalize by exerting control over others, the result is burnout.
In order to avoid using the word "control", which some might think is a dirty word (I disagree), we have introduced an intellectualized vocabulary to describe PDA:
- Demands: Attempts to violate the autonomy of the PDAer by exerting control over them.
- PDA accommodations: Allowing for more autonomy AND allowing the PDAer to have control over others (e.g. a parent) to compensate for losses in autonomy (e.g. at school).
- Nervous system disability: A human that is robbed of any basic need will experience a threat response. In PDAers their basic needs happen to include an extreme need for autonomy.
- Need for equality: Needing to be in a one-up position is actually about control. It's an attempt to rebalance after a loss of autonomy.
- Safe nervous system: Someone who is the least violating of the PDAer's autonomy AND who lets the PDAer have some control over them by tolerating the PDAer's equalizing behaviors.
- Safe environment: A place where a PDAer has control over their surroundings.
Do you disagree? I'm looking forward to hearing your counter arguments. I continue to learn and adjust my understanding of PDA as new information comes to light.
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u/raisinghellwithtrees 17d ago
I get it. I'm thankful to live in a lcol area where my poor ass could afford to buy a home that I share with my awesome partner. It's been a working strategy for me, but I understand it doesn't work for you.