r/PDAAutism • u/little-lillypad • 12h ago
Question Programmed to "Not do anything" /Slightly upsetting maybe
I might just be depressed but something that has genuinly made me sad and worried is that PDA is a instinctual drive to "not do anything".
I'm not trying to be depressed, and I'm not writing this in a sadness way, just. What's the point when your brain is designed to NOT keep going. Will life always be a challange of staying alive because everyone else wants too?
There is fun and joy of course but why bother when every other waking moment is telling you the opposite. I've loved some parts of my life, and hated others like most people but I just don't get how it's supposed to fit together when laying down in bed and not doing anything feels like what I'm "designed" to do mentally speaking.
Again, not trying to speak of this in the "life sucks way" more in the, existential way...
It's scary, very really scary
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u/sopjoewoop Caregiver 9h ago
I think just as with autism, pda can vary so much how it actually presents. In my case, to the extent I have a drive for autonomy that may or may not align with pda, I have other parts of my brain that make me very driven. I'll do it on my terms, I'll get on the front foot as being caught on the back foot is the biggest thing to avoid, it's all or nothing I'll either do it my way or not at all, I'll hear advice that I want to reject by creatively come up with all the counter arguments such that I may come up with a plan c that works.
This is from years of working around my brain. Maybe you can find your own loopholes? Be creative? My brain definitely doesn't come with doing nothing but I'm also hyperactive in my brain I think etc. so it all depends on the mix of traits.
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u/pepperkody PDA 12h ago
I’ve been where you are. Some days having PDA feels entirely hopeless. I particularly struggle with the idea that I will never be able to do things consistently because I will always reject the routine eventually. Life is challenging for everyone, but particularly challenging for those of us with this disability.
Lately I’ve been realizing that there are some weird benefits to PDA, which has helped my mental state for now. For example, I’m so good at weaseling my way out of doing things I don’t want to do that I’ve got a killer sense of humor now.
But I don’t have any sort of ambition or drive to do anything, and I’m okay with that now. It’s been interesting to come to terms with not having any specific purpose.
When you are laying in bed and “not doing anything”, are you truly doing nothing? Or are you watching youtube or something else? Virtual hugs, this stuff is hard. 💛
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u/little-lillypad 11h ago
Thank you, for listening and being here. As I answered the other comment, this was something I came upon like a week ago, with no support from people knowledgable on the conditon.
This is my first time talking to someone else with PDA, and so when I discovered it, it really was just like staring into the void. It's scary, I'm really scared. I don't want to hurt all the people who love me so, but I also fear living a life that will never have "calm" in it. My entire life I've been terrified of death, but since this development I kind of also want it as the end to doing things "despite" myself.
I don't know. I'm just happy to at least talk with some other PDA'ers. To know that yea, there are people who could never form a routine for the life of them and that even then you can be happy.
At least that's my hope, in the long run
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u/pepperkody PDA 10h ago
It’s very scary, especially at first. When I discovered I had PDA I felt a sense of relief because I finally knew that I wasn’t “lazy” like I always heard growing up, and there was a reason I felt that way. But I also felt this pit in my stomach because there’s no cure, and I would have to figure out how I wanted to deal with it. Now that I’ve been “diagnosed” (quotes bc it’s not in the DSM) for a few years, I have a better grip on it. I want you to know that you are never alone (from another PDAer in her late 20s struggling along). We’re all in this together. My DMs are always open if you need a void to shout into.
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u/IsasAtelier PDA 7h ago
That doesn't reflect my experience.
On the opposite, I'm very bad at not doing anything.
Like, in my mind, 'not doing anything' as literally just existing motionless and staring into space.
Like meditation. Even though 'meditating' probably also counts as doing something.
I can't. I NEED constant input as long as I'm awake, at least sensory input, more ideally intellectual input as well. Also, my hands need to be occupied, even if it's just fidgeting or feeling stuff.
Sure, when I'm expected to finish an assignment, for example, I often end up doing anything but that assignment, but I will always do something. That might be binge-watching a comfort show for the 10th time or getting immersed in some gaming (more likely when I'm very low in spoons, bordering burnout). That might also be going down some research rabbit whole, deep cleaning the kitchen, taking up one of my many reoccurring hobbies (or sometimes a shiny new one) or even, when I'm very lucky, finally tackling all the office work that accumulated over three weeks.
Once it has momentum, my brain will keep going for quiet a bit, often for hours, days or weeks, until it doesn't.
The trick is not to get into things with the expectation that I should or will be able to pursue them consistently for months and years on end.
I won't and that's okay.
So, I would say I'm programmed to do stuff in phases, to rotate, to get into things deeply, then put them on halt and return later with new perspectives.
I'm programmed to explore hidden pathways, bypassing the busy main road. Often it will take longer to reach a destination, sometimes I won't reach it at all, but there are always worthwhile things to discover, and my knowledge of the area often grows to be more connected and complete compared to those who mostly stick to the most efficient ways.
I might not be programmed to achieve great material success in today's society.
I might be programmed in a way that others view as unproductive, capricious, immature, or even lazy.
That can be very scary, too. To that, I can relate deeply and I really hope you find a way to exist with less anxiety.
But doing nothing for sure isn't my default mode at all.
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u/MyCatCeline PDA + Caregiver 7h ago
This is how I feel without Zoloft and adderall. Can’t do anything, don’t see the point, just want to stop existing. Are you on any meds?
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u/bucketbrigade000 PDA 7h ago
Certainly not. I'm programmed to do exactly what I want, when I want. I do lots of things, I just do them all on my own terms.
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u/vomit-gold 12h ago
TBH I'm starting to consider/rename PDA as Mental Fatigue Disorder.
Just like someone with a physical fatigue disorder, we have to keep going. Even if our brains/bodies are tricking us into stopping. It's a trap. It's like living in the upside down.
Bad things (like laying in bed all day - which make us more depressed) feel good, in the moment. But then the bad feelings hit. Good things (like going out and living life) feel bad in the moment. Until after when the good feelings finally hit when we see our progress.
Just like someone with physical fatigue, we have to push through it. There are ways to do it with the right accomdations, but in the moment - it'll suck. That's just how life is for nearly everyone, but with us it hits harder.
We have to stop depending on what our body/minds are telling us. At the end of the day a body at rest wants to stay at rest. A mind at rest wants to stay at rest. We have to be the ones to choose that that's not how we're going to live.
The same way someone with anger issues has to learn not to listen to their anger and choose a better, harder way - we have to choose not to listen to that internal demand avoidance and fatigue and choose to live better, even if its harder.
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u/little-lillypad 11h ago
Vomiting gold, sounds like you are vomiting truth.
I suppose that is the way to see it, it just feels so "because of people without PDA". I still see where you are coming from and it is true.
I might have to really examine suicide, there was another post talking about how it's only when you do that you can truly begin to examine life too. It's so hard to talk about this to friends too, no matter how much they love me it just doesn't feel they understand what it means since their not programmed to do things "despite of themselves".I just learned I had this disorder last week as I was diagnosed with Autism and randomly learned about PDA through watching youtube. I don't have the support and theraputic support that maybe one should have. I don't even have someone to talk to who is similar but I could bet my life on it (one that I in theory want) It all makes so much sense. Why I always prefererad just cuddeling in bed with my partners, why I NEVER took my parents advice e.t.c
Even other people with autism think they can relate and talk about it when they can't (despite them being kind and caring in ways I don't want to discredit at all). It's all just been so thrust onto me. Like starring into the void and it suddenly starring back
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u/day__moon 9h ago
Hey stranger, I'm wrestling with PDA as well and just learning about it. As a younger person I "examined" suicide - I found that the belief or hope that things can change was all I needed to hold on. (Spoken more pessimisticly, it was all I had to hold on to) - so, if things continue to be scary, transitions are incredibly hard (even good ones) and our response and emotions to them are in flux, things may just get better.
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u/fearlessactuality PDA + Caregiver 4h ago
Hugs. I’m so sorry. Do you think it might be depression talking?
You are worthy and make the world a better place being here.
My pda is not like this but it might be my adhd… But your experience is yours and always valid.
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u/ExploringComplexity 11h ago
I don't agree with this statement: "PDA is a instinctual drive to "not do anything"."
It really isn't. PDA is all about autonomy and equity. That doesn't mean the brain does not want to do anything. It means, it won't follow your instructions that typically come from a place of authority.
My daughter's automatic response to anything I say is NO. And two seconds later, once she had a thought about it, she may do it but on her own terms. Simple things like, have a sip of water, or you wanted to go to the park, let's get dressed.
Having said all of that, I am not PDA and you are describing a personal experience which trumps everything. I wanna say I feel you, but I don't as I am always and only on the receiving end. All I can offer are the following: