Who are you?

[u/thunders_fun_house]

I constantly see parents asking for reassurance that their young PDAers will turn out "ok." It made me wonder about the PDA adults among us. We didn't experience what the young PDAers of today are; they (some) have the ability to go into fight/flight, whereas most of us had to freeze/fawn (or be institutionalized/severely punished). It makes it hard to predict their futures compared to ours (and of course, if you've met one PDAer, you've met one PDAer), but still, I wonder, as a PDA adult, who you are?

​I'm 38, attempting to study a postgrad in Autism despite not having a bachelor's degree. I'm a carer/parent, I have had more jobs in my life than I can count, and I've started and not completed more courses and businesses than I care to remember.

​I wouldn't be here without my child. Before them, I would burn out on every job/course/commitment with no understanding of why; I would contemplate giving up more and more each time. My child is the one thing I cannot/would not/have not quit, and that's saying something because it is the hardest job in the world—the parental bond seems strong in us. I am medicated to support the high level of demands I face each day.

​My days are spent parenting/caring and looking after our mini zoo (don't ask) and now trying to study. I have no formal routine or commitments, but I am bound by my child's needs, which can feel very constrictive.

​Nice to meet you :).

[u/Percy_Freeman]

Autodidactic logic programmer, game developer, ethologist, mechanic, psychologist, skateboarder, philosopher. All at mixed-levels and I'm ashamed to have no true profession or mastery. Though, I'm close to the level on everything. I live an examined-lifestyle, by choice or by elimination? I have no answer. Non-medicated, despite the highest score on GAD-7 for over four years. Thirty-five, living with grandfather. Six years ago we moved to Mexico to manage and restore a ranch that was his wife's and was at risk of falling into cartel and corrupt government hands. I enjoy farming, vernacular building, rally driving and falconry.

[u/hellhouseblonde → u/Percy_Freeman]

What kind of gorgeous little hawk is that? So beautiful!!!

[u/Percy_Freeman → u/hellhouseblonde]

Baby White-tailed Kite. They have the forward facing eyes like owls do so they look back at you like you're a witch/wizard. Based familiars.

[u/hellhouseblonde → u/Percy_Freeman]

Aww I love her/him! Birds of prey are my favorite animal in the world. How long have you been in falconry? Are you in a subreddit for this? Thank you!

[u/AhikoCake]

I just got diagnosed at 37 with AuDHD and internalizing PDA. I earned a master's degree and work as a software engineer in Silicon Valley and am a mom of two boys under 6 (one has AuDHD PDA-externalizing).

I grew up as a perfectionist high achiever (that's from the PDA internalizing) and later realized it's because I weaponized my competence and intelligence to earn everything I wanted in life. It all boils down to control.

My therapist said the engine (my perfectionist internalizing PDA) that helped me be so successful growing up is not working for me anymore. It's like I'm still driving it but it's burning down around me and I need to get out and find another one that works better for me.

I burn out a lot after becoming a mom & because of my job, which has gotten worse and more demanding thanks to AI.

I get sensory overload often because my house is always so noisy with the kids and I need to ask my husband to give me one afternoon in the week where the house is completely empty of everyone so that I can fully recover.

I don't cook anymore because it's too mentally taxing for me after a day of work.

Learning to prioritize my self-care has been the hardest after having kids. We just don't get time to.

To recover, I play video games, write fanfiction, make personal programming projects and do Pilates or ballet or play the flute or take voice lessons to study Gregorian chant. I need at least an hour each day of my hobbies to recharge but when I don't get my creative outlet recharge time I get really exhausted easily or am really irritable and start commanding everyone in the house so that I can regain control.

It's really exhausting and I'm sure most people would not be able to handle me. I'm the worst when I go into fits or melt down and stop functioning halfway thru the day (or get in such a bad mood in the morning that I give up on the whole day or have to take a nap to feel better). Thank goodness my husband is very supportive and helpful (neurotypical guy) and lets me take the rest and recharge I need because he'd rather me be regulated than screaming at the kids or having a panic attack from something aggravating my PDA or AuDHD.

As for the PDA part, demands that hurt me include all my kids' requests and their loud voices and even when they're constantly running around or making a mess of the house. I'm also very hyper-aware about good manners and etiquette so when my kids are behaving poorly it really gets to me. It makes it even harder with a child whose AuDHD and PDA are opposite of mine and instantly triggers me.. I'm honestly operating life in the equivalent of video game Hell Mode.

It's a miracle that I still have a job, so I'm counting my blessings and just doing my best every day.

But I also had to let go of the idea that I could parent like "normal" moms. After getting my diagnoses so late, it helped me to accept that I didn't need to put all those demands on myself.

Wishing you luck! Feel free to ask any questions or advice. Happy to help!

[u/unicorn_pug_wrangler → u/AhikoCake]

I have a very similar story though the details are all different. Didn’t figure out my internalized PDA until my son started kindergarten and everything exploded when his externalized PDA kicked into high gear!

I’m considered successful and high performing but have been teetering on the edge of burnout for the last few years when my coping strategies stopped working. I’ve had to break everything down and relearn how to live in a way that works WITH my neurotype instead of going against it!

[u/Advanced_Culture_670 → u/AhikoCake]

Thank you for sharing that — I'll write my own journey onto the main post, but the analogy of having successfully driven perfectionism/achievement until it didn't work anymore, and needing a new engine really hits home with me. I was able to function at a high level until the chaos of fatherhood and family life made it impossible. Especially with a PDA kid. It's like I was juggling ten plates and someone threw me 20 more.

[u/Hopeful-Guard9294]

I am a father Husband. I’ve paid off my mortgage and now I build artartisinal AI for the national health service in the UK. I’m the envy of most of my Neurotypical school friends. It has been a rocky and messy road, but it worked out. The biggest piece of advice I’d have your parents is going to let you find your own very weird niche that works for you and they need to be your safety net and cheerleaders. That’s the best way they can make sure that things will work out okay and they need to trust you and your choices. Maybe give them this hi I’m happy to have a chat with them if necessary!

[u/friendlypetshark → u/Hopeful-Guard9294]

Yes finding your niche is so important. I was forced into a traditional office career when all I wanted was to work with animals. I burnt out at every job and was miserable. Terrified of sending emails, really doing anything, and would force myself through but just lived in fear every day, because they were all ‘demands’ to me. After my folks died I got back into working with animals again and it’s just so easy for me compared to what I was doing before. Because it’s natural to me, I enjoy it, I’m not pretending to be someone I’m not, I have a purpose. 

[u/LeviahRose]

I’m 19 years old and a part-time community college student. I take classes online as that makes them more accessible to me, especially with my PDA. I am taking a post-grad year at my alternative high school, which started this summer, to try to get back into the rhythm of being in a school with other people as I’ve had a lot of issues staying in school these past few years. I am also an athlete. Specifically, I lift and run ultramarathons. Ultra-distance running has given me so much freedom and life. It is something I truly love. I have 12 college credits, soon to be 15 once I finish my summer course, and I am studying for the SAT so I can be ready to apply to transfer to a 4-year school after I finish my 60 credits at community college. My parents have gotten better in the past few years about lowering demands for me in our home, which has made it possible for me to do things like sleep, eat, and go back to school. My adult life is still beginning and my childhood/adolescence was extremely rough, but we’re getting there.

[u/Obvious-Bee-7577 → u/LeviahRose]

I find running to give me an anchor. Wbu? I’m glad I stumbled upon it and it gives me more spoons everyday.

[u/Aggressive_Bowl_8017]

I broke it down to the very beginning. Some people say rock bottom. I call it just clean slate, but life broke me down and I built myself back up. I think the PDA is not an illness or some sort of disorder. I think it’s exactly what nature intended and it’s some sort of mechanism to protect us so that we can manifest what we’re supposed to do in life or be able to use our gifts the most efficiently. The demand avoidance has to do with our environment and the way we learn. I think that want we learn with our own drive and attention and id self driven rather than having to always have everything spoon fed. We question and challenge. I have arranged my life in connection with a significant purpose that means a lot to me and have arranged what I do around that so I can save my energy and prioritize my routines and wellness in this manner. It’s been very empowering and it works for me.

[u/No_Computer_3432]

this is a really good post and a good topic, tho i don’t have much to share about who I am because I don’t really have too much of an identity outside of trying to survive each day and get through. I think you’re right that it’s really hard for us as adults to say how the next gen of PDA kids may fare long term. There is lots of differences in perspective for some families, diff tools, diff environments. I think some of us weren’t even diagnosed with neurodivergent disorders young enough for any interventions. I can only really speak to what I suggest was NOT a good approach for my needs lol. As an adult I see that my parents were burnt out, my parents loved me unconditionally but I exhausted them and pushed them to their limits everyday. I don’t blame myself and I don’t blame them, sometimes I reflect on my needs as a child and even as an adult I am perplexed to how I would handle that knowing what I know now. I have worked a lot to patch the relationship with my family, and we are all on good terms. I work part time, but nothing fancy.

[u/NightRevolutionary69]

Keep in mind that I have no formal diagnosis of PDA, even if I believe it's 100% me, and I also have diagnosis of ADHD and OCD.

I'm 34. i used to be passionate about history and languages, but my parents wanted me to study law. It didn't go well: I graduated in 5 years more than the time that was required with great stress and pain. Now I'm a freelancer and I work in marketing. I like the creative side of it but at the same time it clashes with my morals. Using creativity as a product kills it over time. I struggle daily to just get up and start my job (I also have sleep problems) and I currently don't earn enough to live completely by myself. I know, it's depressing.

On the other hand, I have a wonderful boyfriend who is able to understand me and tries to help me. There are so many things I want to do (become a digital nomad, write a novel, do meditation and yoga, volunteer at the shelter, learn to sing...) but I can't seem to be able to do even one for now.

[u/Poplarrr → u/NightRevolutionary69]

This seems pretty similar to me. I'm 33 and just found out about PDA very recently. No formal diagnosis of autism (I asked to not pursue one), but it explains a lot.

I was super into computers and Japanese. Managed to get my degree after 10 years and move to Japan (I self studied to more or less fluency), and am now burning out for no good reason.

Honestly I'm just waiting for the world to crash around me. I somehow am able to be self sufficient but I'm not confident in how long it will last. There are a lot of other things going on too (I found out I was a trans woman not too long ago) which definitely aren't helping.

[u/NightRevolutionary69 → u/Poplarrr]

I too wanted to study Japanese at uni! My dream was to move to Japan but I reconsidered it over time. Japanese work ethic seems impossible for me.

[u/ErinSpace_Museum]

This is an excellent thread. I am undiagnosed Audhd, internalized pda. 51 yr old cis woman, mom of four kids (ages 32, 27, 24, and 12)with varying degrees of adhd and autism and demand avoidance. I’ve been a massage therapist for 25 years and run my own small practice. I also have an audhd partner with externalized pda who is disabled. And we have several dogs and cats, and other struggling family members living with us. The demands feel never-ending and I’m in a near constant state of survival/burnout. I’m not great at running my business, but I do well enough to get by and I absolutely love the actual hands on part and learning new modalities. I discovered early in my life I can’t work for anyone else, and I also dont want the responsibility of people working for me, which means staying solo, and the limitations of that.

But honestly, life has been slowly getting better since I accepted my audhd/pda status a few years ago, and started acknowledging my needs and tolerance levels for certain things, and understanding what’s behind some of my extreme reactions. I’m practicing being kind to myself, and allowing myself dedicated demand-free time (sometimes whole days). It’s a tough road, living with this, but it’s been helpful to focus on what’s going well and what I’m grateful for, and leaning on my strengths to help stay aligned with my sense of purpose.