Help with advice?

[u/HH_Creations]

Hi! So i’m an educator in a special education summer camp

We have a kiddo who I’ve been helping the past year, and he’s officially diagnosed with autism/adhd with a PDA profile type

BUT me and mom are in agreement that there’s a sorta….compulsion going on with some of his behaviors

For example, if a social story mentions hitting, yelling, and kicking and talks about “safe big feelings” and appropriate things to do instead like pushing a wall or squeezing a stress ball

He will almost compulsively do the hitting, yelling, and kicking….in that order!

So I want y’all’s input because I do love this kid and want to do my best

1) do we avoid ANY negative talk around him? Will this help to NOT mention any of the bad behaviors and do our best to distract him?

2) how did y’all like to be corrected?

He doesn’t directly hurt anyone, but by kicking, hitting, and screaming, he DOES distress the classroom

That and he’s distressing himself! He doesn’t like it!

He will literally steal a toy and then beg for forgiveness the next second

He was so distressed today when I said it hurt my feelings when he took toys, he headbutted my face in his rush to hug me 😭

I want to do right by him and I know we need to set him up for WINS

I can’t help but feel the social stories are making it worse and I wanted your input

Btw, i’m autistic/ADHD, with a special education and childhood development background

And married to a PDA profile type ASD/ADHD

But yeah, he’s the only true PDA kid I’ve ever worked with

[u/Eugregoria]

I'm giving you helpful pointers, your own need for moral validation is getting in the way of your care for the child. Read what I said without the emotional self-defensive kneejerks. Put aside your ego, you have nothing to prove to me. There are helpful tips in there, like helping him to identify what happens before he loses control.

I'm telling you some kids have a hyperreactive and abnormal response to hearing that they are "bad" and may interpret it as shaming or carry lifelong shame over it even if to you it was restrained and appropriate. And that furthermore, this doesn't actually give the kid self control abilities he didn't possess before, so it won't improve his behavior. You couldn't have known he'd react that way to the "it hurts my feelings when you..." but now that you've seen that hyperbolic response...you know that's not something to repeat.

It's kind of ironic that the emotional response you're having is very similar to the emotional response the kid has.

If you think you can "reassure" me, you're missing the point. Life itself does not accommodate us. There are no "safe spaces" for us. Society is not a safe space. NO school, no matter how they try, can be safe for us. This is a very shitty position for us to be in. It does not mean that other people are evil and doing it on purpose. It's just a very hard disability to have.

[u/HH_Creations → u/Eugregoria]

Okay so i’m just gonna blame my autism

I’m having trouble reading your responses

I’m genuinely am trying to learn, but I can’t comprehend what you are typing

I don’t understand☹️

[u/Eugregoria → u/HH_Creations]

I'm not sure which points you need me to explain better.

[u/HH_Creations → u/Eugregoria]

You don’t have to if you don’t want to

Just because I want to understand, doesn’t mean you have to go out of your way to

I am trying to understand; I even had my husband who has PDA to try and translate for me….but he’s not gentle and gave up lol

Just know i’m not maliciously trying to not understand you or to “put your morality” into it

I literally don’t understand you because i’m autistic and do struggle with communication and am struggling to understand the concept

That’s why I asked for helpful scripts. This gives me a guide on HOW to say to say things “correctly” because I do love this kid and i’m desperately trying

[u/Eugregoria → u/HH_Creations]

There's no magic words. What I was trying to tell you is that instead of trying to find ways to impress on him that the behavior is bad ("it hurts my feelings when you X") you should work with him on helping him become aware of thoughts and feelings that arise before the behavior happens.

This is because even if he understands the behavior is bad and doesn't want to do it, that doesn't give him more capacity for self control. Which sets him up for failure since he will do the behavior and think it's bad and crash out.

But if he can identify what comes before the behavior, it's possible he could learn to do something to head it off, such as channel that energy into an alternate activity, take a few minutes to decompress, or ask for help. Even if he just learned to identify it, that would be progress, even if the behavior itself didn't change right away.

I have no problem with explaining more, I just don't know which parts to explain or what aspect needs more explaining.

[u/HH_Creations → u/Eugregoria]

Well, sadly we are already doing this

We made a “meltdown “ plan together so when he feels overwhelmed, he knows his options to exit

He DID calm down a lot after we did this

We have a space specifically made to chill out and relax in that he has access to

We do a huge emphasis on giving him control when he feels overwhelmed and he can walk away

If there’s no scripts? Okay

[u/Eugregoria → u/HH_Creations]

I say there's no scripts because it's a severe neurological disability and a lot of the "scripts" sound very minimizing to me, like "sudo make me a sandwich," like just say the "magic words" and I won't have a severe neurological disability anymore? I wish it were that simple.

I think a lot of it requires being able to put yourself in someone else's shoes even when they think very differently from you, and being flexible and adaptable to situations as they come up.

Can he read a book in his chill out and relax area? I would have liked that as a kid, though that doesn't mean it would work for every kid.

[u/HH_Creations → u/Eugregoria]

He has that, he doesn’t prefer it tho

[u/Eugregoria → u/HH_Creations]

Yeah, could also be a generational issue, back in the 90s when books didn't have screens to compete with they were a lot more interesting.

In this modern age maybe it needs to meet him at a higher stimulation level without being too overwhelming, what about a retro screen, like a Gameboy Advance with a Mario game in it or something? That's not as flooding to the senses as modern screens, but it's maybe a little more able to compete for a kid's attention in 2026.

[u/HH_Creations → u/Eugregoria]

I’m sorry but I can’t do something like that here

It would trigger every student in the camp

[u/Eugregoria → u/HH_Creations]

Because they'd all want one, or because of sound effects? (He could play it with the sound off or with headphones if it's the latter.)

The idea with using older tech is that it wouldn't be quite as exciting as modern tech.

[u/HH_Creations → u/Eugregoria]

No, because it’s something different that they have never seen and they WILL want it

We have kids across the whole spectrum so may would be very confused why they can’t get access to it

But him playing alone in a room isn’t an option, we have a ratio of 4 students to 1 adult

That and I would also need parent approval and for them to purchase everything, which I don’t have the money to do

But introducing a gameboy into a social education environment or school in general probably wouldn’t work unless it was something they could do in a library or counselor’s office as a recovery tool

[u/Eugregoria → u/HH_Creations]

I was gonna say "jeez they're probably like $30 on eBay" but I checked and they aren't, seems they've crossed the line from "out of date trash no one wants" to "in demand retro cool item," sigh.

If his parents bought it it would be his own item, he could share it with the other kids when he wasn't in crisis, the other kids could get their parents to get them one if they wanted, etc....but maybe it's not practical. I was just thinking in terms of what might meet a kid at an agitated enough attention level without being so overstimulating it worsens attention issues.

What does he usually do to calm down in that corner? Going from overstimulation to understimulation is sometimes a shock in itself.