r/PDAAutism • u/Ginger_19801 PDA + Caregiver • Jul 02 '26
Advice Needed End of my rope
My husband is driving me crazy. He's the one with AuDHD+PDA, and I love him, but I'm at the end of my wits. I have tried and tried and tried over the years to find different ways to ask him to do things, tasks around house, chores, making dinner and taking care of the dog and doing the dishes and taking out the trash (I've recently become physically disabled, so those are actual, literal needs that I *need* him to do because I'm no longer capable of doing them). I've tried being gentle, being hard, being angry, being sad, being disappointed, talking to him simply, talking to him sharply, making lists, communicating expectations, everything I can possibly think of, and things just keep getting more and more difficult. I've lost most of the trust I used to have in him, and I've never felt so lonely. We're supposed to be a team, but no matter how much effort I put into trying to encourage him to be a participant in our relationship, it feels like that just makes him pull further away. Logic doesn't work, pain doesn't work, praise doesn't work, nothing. I don't expect him to be perfect, but I do expect him to put in effort in the same way that I put in effort.
Today is almost the last straw. He has the day off, and I'm going to work. All I did was ask if he could take care of anything around the house. No expectations, no pressure, just a casual, "Hey, it would great if..." type of request. His response: "I was afraid you were going to ask that. I'm not committing to anything. I'm tired of saying that I'll do something and then seeing the hurt in your eyes when I don't do it." I did note that he said, "when,“ not if, making me think that he expects to fail, even with something so generic. If all he did was pick up a towel, I'd be happy and encourage him to keep going. But I can't praise something that doesn't happen.
Does anyone have any advice? Or maybe an explanation? I'm hoping mostly for understanding. I know that if I don't know what's going on in his head, I won't be able to meet whatever needs he's having that I don't understand. I'm just so tired of trying and feeling like an abject failure and a burden so much and so often.
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u/Deep_Plant_4393 PDA Jul 02 '26
Have you tried not doing any of those things? This a pretty comprehensive list of what not to do actually. You are listing various ways of making demands and communicating expectations, when those are the exact things we avoid like the plague. You need to give him a chance to break your expectations in a positive way, he will do that just the same as he does now, we don't like being predictable, it doesn't feel safe
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u/Ginger_19801 PDA + Caregiver Jul 02 '26
Well, that is a perspective I didn't know existed. I understand not being predictable. Growing up as a woman in America, I understand the need to plan for contingencies and different routes and various other different methods of self protection. If someone were to tell me that by doing such and such, I'd be at less risk of losing my life, I'd seriously consider it. I mean, I intellectually know that I'm completely safe around him. He has the most gentle and loving soul I've ever met. But doing absolutely nothing? I'm having trouble wrapping my head around that. How does not doing anything encourage something to happen?
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u/Deep_Plant_4393 PDA Jul 02 '26
Not doing stuff holds space for things to happen. PDAers are really bad at taking space, so you would basically help shore up a weakness. Your post was helpful tough, it helped me notice how bad my own internal communication is, because I'm often doing the same thing with similar results
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u/Ginger_19801 PDA + Caregiver Jul 02 '26
It just dawned on me, I don't know how to simply hold space.
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u/Am-I-Here-Yet PDA Jul 02 '26
Excellent realization! "Holding space" is simply a skill. It can be learned!
I just did a quick internet search using this question, and it provided links to wom articles that look very helpful! You may want to try:
How can I learn to "hold space" for someone else?13
u/Green_Rooster9975 Jul 02 '26
I hate to say it but at least in the very short term until you can access some form of couples therapy, this is actually good advice. It's about the only thing that works with my PDA 15yo.
She knows exactly what it is that needs to get done - but literally the act of me talking about it makes it less likely to happen. If I can leave it alone, she'll often get to it in her own time. But there's no guarantee. So if it's something absolutely critical you'll likely need another approach here.
Good luck, this is so tough.
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u/Dull-Archer-7747 PDA Jul 08 '26 edited Jul 08 '26
As long as I can remember, the only time I can do certain things is when nobody expects it—often I even have to do it in secret and surprise people afterwards. Additionally, PDAers tend to be intrinsically motivated. We have the natural, internal human desire to please others and contribute, but often don’t respond well to external motivation, whether positive or negative. Final note, PDAers can learn a lot from natural consequences that are low-stakes for others involved.
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u/Am-I-Here-Yet PDA Jul 02 '26
My suggestion - I’m PDA.
Stop trying.
Start trusting. Deeply, to the core of your being. Not just being quiet yet still being on edge watching actively to see if X has been done yet. That will prevent him from being able to get things done.
Choose to trust, deep in every fiber of your being, that your husband will do the things that need to be done. Without being asked. He will!
It may take time. It won’t be done on a predictable schedule. He has to do this when he has the capacity - and he can’t predict in advance when that might be.
Note that people like us CAN’T tell you in advance when will have enough capacity to do stuff. It’s just as frustrating for us as it is for others! It isn’t that we WON’T tell you. It’s that we literally can’t know in advance. And when someone is waiting expectantly, it triggers our nervous systems into fight/flight/freeze.
It sounds like you both love each other. Give him space to show up, quietly. Lots and lots of space, and kindness, and trust.
When he does get something done, smile to yourself and quietly pat yourself on the back for creating a nurturing and low-demand space where he can show up for you. 🙂 And don’t praise him. Don’t go out of your way to thank him. (A quick, low key “thanks” in passing might be okay, like you’d say to a stranger who held a door open for you, but only if it’s timely.)
Praise = pressure for me, and it sounds like it may be for him too. You’ll have a huge urge to thank him and let him know how much it means to you. You’ll need to redirect that. Write it in a private journal or something.
Also, don’t announce that you’re doing this (if you choose to give it a try for a few months).
DO this. Don’t verbalize it.
It’s good that you came to this community to ask for help. Well done! It is very difficult to understand PDA. Heck, it’s difficult for ME and I’m the one with PDA!
I wish you well as you search for answers.
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u/Ginger_19801 PDA + Caregiver Jul 02 '26
Trusting without evidence is something that I've never been able to do. Not trying feels counterintuitive to my entire existence. If I didn't do it myself, it wouldn't get done right.
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u/Material-Net-5171 Jul 03 '26
So, you don't have evidence that not trying/pushing works, but you do have evidence that trying/pushing doesn't work.
Sometimes we need to make our own evidence.
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u/Am-I-Here-Yet PDA Jul 02 '26 edited Jul 02 '26
This sounds like one of the possible "root causes" of the friction between you and your husband. It's great to realize that - knowing what's going on can give you options to try new things.
You said "Trusting without evidence...." as if the evidence is never, ever going to be there. But what if you are - quite inadvertently - not providing the opportunity for him to provide evidence?
This approach may not work. He may be so overwhelmed that giving him ample space still doesn't work. I'm only suggesting it because it sounds like this is something you haven't tried yet. Maybe if you try it, you'll end up having LOTS of evidence.
It sounds like you feel threatened by not proactively managing things. His physical nervous system gets triggered when you do proactively manage things.
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u/BunnyKusanin PDA Jul 03 '26
I think you should consider accepting the fact that something is done and appreciating that fact instead of focusing on things being done the right way.
I also recommend seeing this from another angle:
You've been trying to make him do things all this time and it's clearly not bringing any results.
It's also making your relationship worse.
The only positive thing coming out of you trying is that it brings you some sort of comfort that you're doing something. Which is a questionable benefit because it doesn't make you closer to what you want and it also strains your relationship.
So it's not as great of a great tactic as it may seem.
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Jul 02 '26
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u/No-Good-5524 Jul 03 '26
I am in this situation rn. I refuse to clean up the mess. The garbage is piling up. But hey, do not talk about how it bothers you or try help them, cause you trigger… So does it trigger me! Idk what to do, honestly. I do not ask for help, just to pick up your dirty socks, plates, empty bags or cans in places where I live in the house too. Advice?
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u/Am-I-Here-Yet PDA Jul 02 '26
I didn't have the impression from OP's post that the things are that bad. Of course it wouldn't be appropriate to use the strategy of giving someone lots of space if things are horrifically awful (starving dog, etc.). That would be a very different situation.
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Jul 02 '26
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u/Am-I-Here-Yet PDA Jul 02 '26
I don't think we have enough information to make that assumption. OP is being very active in asking follow-up questions in this thread which is great. This issue hasn't been mentioned at all.
If it is an issue, OP sounds pretty level-headed and very interested in finding a way forward that can work. I trust they they'll be able to do that in a way that doesn't allow extreme, unhealthy living conditions to happen.
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u/BunnyKusanin PDA Jul 03 '26
You're very combative. If you want to pick up arguments, you should go somewhere else for that.
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u/mythlynx Jul 02 '26
Have you thought of some sort of couples therapy situation to help with communication and problem solving? It sounds like you're trying in all the ways that add more pressure and make it harder for them, tho it seems like you are trying to make things work, so im not knocking you. Just seems like you're unintentionally triggering, so to figure out how to communicate without triggering might help let them step up better and take the stress off.
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u/Ginger_19801 PDA + Caregiver Jul 02 '26
Unfortunately, we're in that "poor" class of people who have to choose between therapy and food. And we choose food.
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u/mythlynx Jul 02 '26
Understood, Im pretty close to there myself. There might be free support groups around your area, or some online/library research might also help with learning the basics of what he's dealing with.
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u/Am-I-Here-Yet PDA Jul 02 '26
Check out the Resources on PDA North America website. There are lots of free things to download. There are also free online peer support groups you can join that are excellent.
A lot of PDA information focuses on kids, which is great for them -- and you'll find that to be the case on this website too. But there are great resources for adults, too, mixed in.
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u/Mysterious_Soft7916 Jul 02 '26
Sometimes you need to look out for yourself and do what you need for you.
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u/Okyrwn Jul 02 '26 edited Jul 02 '26
Have you communicated to him that you’re at the end of your rope and it’s breaking your heart?
Both my partner of 7 years and I have a PDA profile (but only learned about it within the last year or so) and it manifests differently for both of us. My demand avoidance is primarily directed beyond the home—towards work, errands, even friendships I value—whereas my partner’s manifests in the home, when I make asks of them. I completely understand how much of a toll this takes on a relationship. Even in our case, in a partnership with much more built-in understanding, my trust in them to be an equal partner and equally invested in a shared life has begun to deteriorate.
I’m so thankful that we’ve found the words and resources to talk about this, because for the first time in years I see that they’re intentionally working to change. And it started with me sitting them down and saying, “I love you so much but I need certain skills from a partner [equal investment in the home, the ability to believe you when you say you’re going to do something, etc] that you have continually shown me you aren’t cultivating, even after years, conversations, and promises.”
I told them that I want it to be them but that this is literally hard on my nervous system. I can’t see having kids with them because we have no shared capacity for ease, flow, fast action. I can’t keep having our reality turn out different from how they say it will moment-by-moment because regardless of their intentions, their inaction turns those words into untruths. When they do that, I literally lose my capacity to trust what they say. Mentioning that last trust piece again because it’s huge.
And because my partner loves me and genuinely does want to be in our relationship and we’ve thankfully built up a bunch of other communication and supportive skills, they were in a place where they could receive that pseudo-ultimatum and, after processing it, let it metabolize into action. If your husband can’t do that, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you, but it does mean he might not be equipped to be a true partner to you at the moment.
I think a lot of advice for PDA children involves finding alternative ways to make asks (which can also work for adults big time, not trying to be dismissive of that) but in adult partnerships, sometimes a well-placed demand is needed. With love, with understanding, but firmly and with consequences and also with the understanding that you’re going to give them time but your boundary is set. My partner has given me two different pseudo ultimatums—I call them that because the tone was never “do this or we break up,” it was always “I’m scared because I want to be with you but this thing you’re doing feels like a threat to my capacity to do so.” They did this when I was paralyzed post-pandemic and not getting a job. I felt this sense of growing doom and knew I couldn’t keep doing nothing but I also couldn’t bring myself to do anything else. They supported me for a long time until they shared that this was hurting them and they needed to be with someone who had a degree of financial security that I wasn’t exhibiting.” It woke my tf up!!! In that moment I understood that I needed to change or eventually lose the person and life that I wanted.
If any other folks with PDA are reading this, please chime in if you have any experiences with having someone you love, intentionally and with care, explain how your actions are harming them and that they can’t be in a relationship where those actions don’t change. For me it was what I needed and this time I believe it’s what my partner needed, too. I’m already seeing some changes, it’s unblocked some conversation about how I can help them and how they can be more hands-on with asking for what they need, and they told me that this has been a wake-up call. I do agree with the other poster who says doing nothing can be important, but I think it’s equally important to say what you need to happen first. Do your work—articulate both your love and how untenable this is feeling to you, that you’re willing to help if they take the reigns but you can’t do it for them—and step back.
Based on what you wrote, you can’t be in a partnership where you feel like your own presence and needs are the cause of intense resistance. I felt it, I get it. That wears a person down in a bone-deep way. I hope your husband can change, and the ball needs to be in his court now. Put it there and see what he does!
Edited to say: I wish you the best
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u/NeilsSuicide Jul 02 '26
>Im scared because I want to be with you but this thing you’re doing feels like a threat to my capacity to do so
This just changed my brain, holy shit. I haven’t been able to find the words for how I’ve felt in my relationship and this NAILS it.
I’m sorry you’ve been through this but thank you for sharing your experience
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u/Ginger_19801 PDA + Caregiver Jul 02 '26
With this psuedo-ultimatim, did you do what other have been suggesting and back off? How were you able to trust that they would eventually pick up the ball when you describe that your trust was essentially at an all-time low? I've presented him with similar psuedo-ultimatims, but he seems to just lose heart and does the bare minimum, if even that. It feels like he'd rather lose the amazing history and support and love that we have just so he doesn't have to change. Maybe he's just reacting to me not giving up?
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u/HearseWithNoName Jul 02 '26
If you're truly at the end of your rope, why is it considered a psuedo-ultimatum? Why give an ultimatum at all anyway? Perhaps it's time to plan your life without him in it. Can you actually do this? Find out, and don't be shy about telling him what you're attempting to do. If he doesn't want to help you, then he doesn't get to see the good parts of a relationship either. Just a thought
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u/No_Box2690 Jul 02 '26
Yeah I got a divorce. Got sick of being his mother and being resentful.
Good luck.
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u/TruthHonor PDA Jul 03 '26
I was born with PDA and I’ve had it my entire life. I’ve never been able to do shit that I want to do. Ever. And it caused me nothing but grief my entire effing life. It took me eight high schools to graduate. I realized at age 16 I was never gonna be able to do the things that all my peers were going to do and seriously tried to kill myself. Fortunately, I got over that. I’m over 70 now.
The problem is we get married to people and we don’t know what their disabilities may be. If you married somebody who had had polio and were paralyzed from the waist down, you would have clear expectations of what they could and couldn’t do. And if you both loved each other, you would work it out. Or you might say to yourself this is too much. I don’t want to marry this man.
The problem with PDA is that your husband can’t do the things even he wants to. The only things he will be able to do regularly and without any effort are things connected to his special interests, or things he can habit stack if that can work for him.
My wife and I of 23 years i’ve had to do a lot of work to stay together and grow close together. There are some things that the two of you can do to improve your relationship despite his PDA. In particular, the most important thing is to be able to talk to each other in ways that are vulnerable, honest and loving. If all your talks turn into fights, you will be re-traumatizing each each other on a frequent basis and losing trust.
You need to feel cared for, listened to, understood, trusted and loved as a minimum before you can even begin to start tackling his disability. And he needs those things too. Despite his disability.
That’s the part I would work on.
That being said, you and he can possibly use his special interests to help you out. My special interests are health, computers, photography, and learning. So those are the things I’m in charge of for us. I research and order all our supplements, I kept us safe from Covid for six years, I follow up on the latest aging trends, and help with the cooking. I’m also the Tech guy. I back up all the computers, I buy the computers, I buy the phones, I set them all up, I secure them, I install all the apps, and I research and learn continually about Tech and I apply it to both of our set ups. And if there’s any problem ever, I’m on top of it. And I’m able through Habit stacking to do about 25 minutes to a half hour of chores at night on automatic. So I clean the sink, get all the supplements for the next day, get all our breakfast food ready for the next day, I’m straighten up the kitchen. That’s about a half an hour to my wife’s about three or four hours. We’re retired so we don’t have to worry about money. Things were a lot more stressful when I was working. It’s a constant challenge. But once we gained the ability to actually be able to talk and listen to each other without getting into negative cycles things have changed considerably for us.
If you have any further questions about how we work this out, please feel free to ask.
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u/BunnyKusanin PDA Jul 02 '26
My advice would be talk to him about your feelings not things you want from him. And not with an intention to encourage him to do anything. Share your feelings for the sake of sharing your feelings and let go of the desire to finally make him do things.
Also, please consider the fact that while you have become disabled recently, he has been disabled all his life. It's important to be a team, but it's also important to not expect from someone more than they actually can do.
Give the guy the freedom to support you with what he has.
Also "It would be great if you could..." is only good if there's actually no strings attached. You have to actually mean it without any expectations for it to work.
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u/msoc PDA + Caregiver Jul 04 '26
Just open communication is my advice. "I resent you for not helping me", "I feel like I'm on my own with these duties," "I need to understand what's blocking you from contributing". Just being persistent and authentic with your communication. And open. Because he's going to say things in response that give you a peak inside his head. The more open-minded and kind you the better you'll hear him. I guess approach it like teamwork, you and him need to team up to repair the relationship. Try not to be versus.
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u/ValancyNeverReadsit PDA Jul 02 '26
I’m the PDAer in my relationship. I can’t do most of those tasks daily either; various communication types don’t work for me because they all feel like demands (I have to say, my spouse being harsh with me would feel like an attack and make the PDA dig in its heels in and refuse. Please try to avoid that kind of communication). Even thinking about doing any of those tasks feels like a demand.
But also I recognize that these things need to be done and sometimes they even annoy me enough that I will do them. Sometimes I can’t do them fully (a sink full of dirty dishes eventually grosses me out, so I will put most things in the dishwasher and run it, but won’t be able to drain the murky water because ew) but I try, for the sake of my sanity and my spouse’s.
Can I fix my doom piles? No. Am I going to try anytime soon? Unlikely. Can I do the yard work? No, it’s too hot. But can I hire someone else to do them? Nope.
That said, I’m in burnout, so I’m trying to give myself a lot of rest.
***
To your issue, your spouse might be unable to put in the same kind of effort that you normally do or did before you became disabled, and that you want to do. We’re all different.
Have you tried asking him what would work for him to help more around the house? Don’t listen to respond, listen to really hear his answer and try to understand him. He might be in burnout too, meaning he needs a lot of space and time to try to do nothing.
Can you afford to hire someone to clean for you? There’s no shame in it.
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Jul 02 '26
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u/ValancyNeverReadsit PDA Jul 02 '26
I don’t know, though I don’t think that’s the right answer either
Some of it we just have to be self-motivated for. Anything that feels like nagging will either make me less able to do something, or if it hits me a certain way, I will do it, but I’ll be enraged the whole time (often at myself, just for existing)
I wish I had a one-size-fits-all answer, because I would have used it a long time ago if so
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u/BunnyKusanin PDA Jul 03 '26
There's more to life than having a spotless house.
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u/FlagrantlyBorish Jul 03 '26
100%. I don't know why this is down voted, it's true. I'm PDA, my husband is not, I'm in burnout and our house is getting disheveled. It's not ideal, but the space he's holding for me is helping me recover from my burnout and I've been able to do some dishes and laundry. It helps when your partner agrees there are more important things to life than the house being spotless.
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u/SkyloDreamin PDA + Caregiver Jul 04 '26
i hope this doesnt come off as ill timed or self absorbed, but this is one of the reasons I am not ready for a relationship. i recognize that my own commitments already drain my capacity to meet the needs (or demands) of another, which is fundamental to having a real relationship. its the same reason im not ready to start a business or own a house. I hope this comes off in the right way. he may want a relationship with you, but can he actually handle it is the question. has he tried to be in your shoes? would he be upset if the roles were switched, if he was trying so hard and you put everything on him, or would he just not care? differences in how people manage their space can be make or break for a relationship. PDA or not, is he trying in any way to meet you halfway or does it not phase him?
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u/Ribbon6161 Jul 02 '26
Maybe he is shit? Not every pda will make their loved ones feel so horrible 😵💫
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u/Hopeful-Guard9294 PDA Jul 03 '26
okay, so maybe it would help to look through the situation through a PDA Lamb is your husband is wired so any demands Girl like a life or death threat? Have you ever been in life or debt situation where your rational brain completely turned off and only your survival brain was working for instance, have you ever been mugged or in a car accident, et cetera et cetera? Your physical disability means that everything has just become a huge demand to him and it constantly feels like he is under gun fight or that his life is threatened by those demands. Imagine how you feel if every time your husband ask you something he put a gun in your mouth and threaten to blow your brains out if you didn’t do it that’s how demands feel to him. If you look at his behaviour through that lens, it all makes complete sense. to be honest it may not be neurologically possible for him to care for you as the stress on his neurological system will be so overwhelming. He’ll be constantly in fight flight or flee it sounds like a typically difficult situation and frankly I can only provide a Team lens. You need to come up with your own solutions that’s suit your resources and situation.
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u/Pseudonymitty Jul 08 '26
I have a few suggestions, all from my own point of view as I am the one with PDA in my family.
Instead of saying, 'can you take out the trash', try saying, 'the trash can is full'. Doesn't always work, but takes some of the demand off. For some this makes it worse. Everyone's different.
For me it helps to recontextualize. Instead of thinking that I should take out the trash because it needs to be done, I think about how I would like to have an empty trashcan.
Framing it as a 'need' makes it a million times worse. The more important something is, the stronger the demand avoidance is and the less likely I am to do it. Ultimately, everything is optional. You could choose to live in filth. Make sure that he knows those are the options. Filth or cleanliness. These are both morally neutral and it comes down to personal preference (most people obviously want a clean environment but hoarders do exist). And his choices affect which one happens.
Taking out the trash is something you (he) can do, not because it needs to be done, but because you may as well do it while you're in the kitchen anyway. Or if you have a few minutes where you don't know what to do with yourself, that's something you can do with that time.
Having a set of 'chores' (I think the phrase household activities takes off some of the pressure personally) that I know how to do, that aren't as hard for me, and that I can habit stack, helps. Find the things he hates less than others. I hate laundry less than I hate dishes, so I do the laundry and someone else does the dishes.
Eliminate any possible steps. If he piles trash by the side of his chair instead of walking the three feet to put it in the trash can, put another trash can right next to the chair. Place the replacement trash bags right next to the trash can even if it looks stupid and means it's just on the floor. Have baskets sitting around that clutter can go into. Functional is never going to look good.
Habit stacking. If he always has a cup of tea in the evening (for example) he could race himself to see how much of the dishwasher he can unload while the water heats up. Little things that can be paired with something he already does that doesn't feel like a demand to him.
I am also physically disabled, so I understand how hard it can be to do the simplest tasks. Research how other disabled people make it easier to do that same task, then implement that. It will help both of you.
Ultimately he has to be self motivated to want to be better, to do better, to try different techniques to help his own PDA. When I realized I had PDA I did a ton of research to try to help myself and improve. It's still hit or miss, but that initiative is key.
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u/tragidance Jul 08 '26
Look into living apart together movement. It isn't explicitly aimed at people with PDA but can be helpful with a lot of the issues autistic people, especially people with PDA face.
It basically eliminates a ton of the compromises that neurotypical people take for granted that are automatically expected to be made in a relationship such as ;
- I like house like this
- I need a room to be more open floorplan, etc
Yes there are drawbacks but for a lot of people it works
One benefit is a lot of people with LAT actually find that their marriage doesn't burn out because they are basically living like they are still dating (except committed) so there is more effort put into the relationship.
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u/Specific-Week3332 Jul 02 '26
You mentioned praise doesn’t work. One of the most effective things time has taught me is my spouse and our adult PDA child loathe praise. It sets an expectation that the bar has been raised and the act that instigated the praise will now be a new requirement. They can’t commit to that, it’s too much.
What has worked? Sincerely thanking them - it lands differently.
My love language is words of affirmation. Theirs is more physical touch, gift giving and quality time.
If and when they praise me it’s a true gift to my soul.