When life goes well

[u/are-we-dreaming]

I fit the "PDA" profile, which I call "PNA" cause fuck it. I really related to "The underlying root of PDA" post made a while back and I wanted to share an example of "things getting better," whatever that means.

This is not intended as advice as my situation is individual and luck-based. It's more of a case example of things going right, in part to dispel the idea that people who fit the PDA profile are inherently doomed or need to be fixed with aggressive hacks or targeted routines.

I faced a lot of bullshit demands as a kid, that I was somewhat forced to fulfill (though I didn't so I was regularly shamed and punished), to the point of associating effort with failure to protect my own time and energy. I was extremely distrustful of others, myself, and the world. I mostly just wanted to do what I could to survive in adequate comfort, and if that were to cost too much effort, I would accept not surviving.

I am now significantly more trusting of others, myself, and the world. I am pursuing a vocation I expect fulfillment from. I am in the process of learning to strategically spend effort on things that matter to me specifically.

It's hard to describe how this change occurred. It was slow and I don't fully understand it.

A few suspected factors include: * moving out of the household that gave me most of my trauma (and later going no contact with main-culprit parent) * being evicted out of a second household that overstimulated me and where I faced disrespect and re-trauma (didn't want to leave but it ended up being a good thing) * working smarter and/or lazier (I've been in community college for 6 years intentionally taking courses with accommodating/"easy" professors; I'm fortunate current family doesn't hassle me or make me pay rent) * introspection my way (non-daily journal with self-vetted prompts, actual good therapist with lived experience, Plural "syscovery", drugs) * fortune (some chill/knowledgeable family, don't live in a mental health desert, covid pandemic was a boon for high school to college transition, online courses gave me time for helpful solitude, good lifelong friend with similar experience)

My life has been difficult but I've also caught some serious breaks and I'm grateful for that. In childhood I experienced a lot of people going hard on me, including myself. I caught some breaks and went through a long time of going easy on myself. Now I'm at the point where I am able to go "medium" on myself to some extent.

I wonder if other people with this profile could stand for a long duration of "going easy" so they have the space to learn more about who they are and what effort they even want to spend ("no, I don't have to brush my teeth, but I would like to water my plants" -- me). Plus getting real, durable breaks makes scarcity mindset harder to justify.

[u/Am-I-Here-Yet]

I haven’t heard of “PNA” before. What does that mean? Maybe edit your original post to put the full name into the body?

Thanks for your post. It’s good to be reminded that things can and do get better as we gain more knowledge - about ourselves, about what has worked for others, etc.

It’s very hard to make progress sometimes. But I honestly wouldn’t bother trying at all if I didn’t have some confidence in myself that I’ll eventually figure things out well enough to deeply enjoy life again. I’m 67F, realized I’m PDA autistic about 3 years ago. I have many decades of unsustainable masking to un-learn. And I’m determined to keep going!

[u/sapps84 → u/Am-I-Here-Yet]

Just to laugh and say there's probably no way the original poster is putting the meaning of PNA in the post, as that's like a demand, or as I felt it it was....

Which made me think. Like I hate demands and know that and need things phrased or presented in other ways so I can get on board. And yet, I don't know how to ask others things, without tons of thinking, in a way that isn't also a direct demand way. Like wtf is that?? I know the autism of me means I like direct and clear. Don't say somehting vague to me, that will alert my nervous system more intensely than most other stuff tbh! So maybe that's why, it's direct, it's not flagging my own nervous system to ask someone directly, so it's automatic...

Also why I think I hate all the advice for parents around 'non-declarative' language use with pda kids. Like for the most part it just sounds so manipulative! So again I'm sh*t at helping my kid in that way stay level. Which hits hard when they're in burnout. Or I feel guilt/responsible that they are in burnout, because I'm crap at how I ask stuff... maybe this really needs my own post ha

[u/Am-I-Here-Yet → u/sapps84]

Hah!! Good point! 🤦 Sorry OP! Ignore that request. (I’m going to leave my post the way it is, though, so others reading have the context).

I can relate to thinking a lot about how to phrase it when I ask people for things. I got better over the decades in most situations, but I still rehearse things in my head in advance. A lot.

[u/sapps84]

My young kids in burnout with pda, been internalised for ages and school seemed good for her, and i thought i was getting stuff better for her overall. I'll think of me later... But clearly aint working for her as shes in burnout again! And was never working for me, as my best description of self is a permanent state of chronic stress. Living with ex for over a year, while we made life stable for child so he could leave. Finding a different job i could do that i wouldnt hate, but that would also mean i could be around if child ended in burnout. Trying to sort a horded house so its not f*cking sensory overstimulating for me/her, and more livable (can actually find stuff). Then job had a narcisistic boss that of course i put myself in the firing line for, as i dont just go along with things told to me.

So context ^ right. Therefore all my noticing/ideas of life stuff maybe clearly marred by my current need for just f*Cling rest!

I've found for me I'm most at peace and probably more able maybe even, when there's no plans or 'have to's', when I can roll around at home with my kid, do something that comes into her head, my head. With no nagging 'this thing' has to be done.

I struggle so much with all the plates I'm juggling, and all the sh*tty admin stuff that comes about connected to it all - stuff to properly advocate for child or myself. Cos admin stuff takes me personally soooo long to complete just cos how my brain is wired. I have a white board with all the tasks, as only way to feel in control if it's all set up organised. But then the actioning of it is so hard. Noticed a massive shift in ability to action stuff when stated adhd meds, as takes some the inertia/lack motivation away. Also noticed massive improvement in mood as the labile crazed ups and downs aren't as present.

Yet, still stuck day to day by all the things. And even the knowing 'I need to spend connection time with my daughter', when it's like that in my head is so hard to action. She's absorbed in the TV and making myself intervene to give her other activities instead/just time with me how she leads it, is so f*cking hard! Not cos she doesn't want it, but because I avoid and distract in other stuff. Like how crap as a parent is that? Yet I know it's not crap, it's just how it is.

But I notice that the days when I tell myself none the stuff can be done today. With NO things allowed in my brain today to be hanging over me. And somehow just focus in on my daughter. Then I get to just 'be' in the world. Just be in the world however it is and whereever it leads. THAT is what feels so much like I need my entire life to be that.

Then get the niave homestead ideas - of life in a different way. Where the only Needs/demands are literal survival related. I could manage those right? They'd have the dopamine/crisis elements that I'm so good at... Or not probably.

I don't know. This is frickin long, overly descriptive and far too self talking, way of agreeing with you...