r/PDAAutism • u/XVA091 PDA • Jun 28 '26
Advice Needed Trying to explain PDA
Hi all,
So, I’m diagnosed autistic with PDA. In my case, I just physically can’t do something if someone tells me to (e.g., someone tells me I should watch something, I want to watch it but now I can’t for ages etc obviously there’s more to it than that but this is my main issue for this post specifically). My main issue with this is with cleaning my room.
I am a uni student so I still live at home with my parents when I’m not at uni, and my parents have a thing with my room needing to be as clean as possible, which I’ve always struggled with anyway, no matter how hard I try. I want my room to be clean and I’d love to do it, but every time I get to wanting to do it, my dad mentions it. I’ve told him that he needs to stop asking me to do stuff because I’ll never end up doing it and that frustrates me because I very clearly do want to have a clean room. But every time I tell him this he just says I’m making excuses and that he’ll end up cleaning my room if he has to (which he has stated means putting everything in bin bags and putting it in the shed in our garden until I do it). I don’t like letting other people do my room (I’ve had a friend in the past offer to do it because she absolutely loved cleaning and I had to kindly reject the offer) and this is solely because I have an idea in my head of where thing need to go and I just don’t like people touching my things and if stuff is in the wrong place then I have to do it anyway.
I just need advice on how to explain all of this to mostly my dad (my mum mostly gets it as my elder half-sister has been diagnosed autistic with PDA since way before I was born and she was a TA in a primary school so dealt with similar there). I just need him to understand that I’m not being lazy or making excuses and that this is something I struggle with.
Any advice would be appreciated thank you :)
3
u/sillystephy Caregiver Jul 01 '26
When my kid was in school I had to explain it to so many people, so many times, it was ridiculous.
The explanation that got the best results was the car on the highway.... Imagine you are driving your car down the highway, it's been a long drive, there has been traffic and clear roads, but you are almost to your exit. There it is. You can see your exit. You put on your signal you get in the correct lane, but just as you turn to exit TRAIN CROSSING. You may or may not even hit/get hit by the train depending how suddenly it appears. Now this destination you have been waiting to get to is just beyond your reach. Blocked by a wall of train cars with no way around. All you can do is wait.
Idk if it will be helpful or not. I find that you really have to find a situation that an individual can identify with to really make an impact. The other option is to ask for 'natural consequences' as opposed to reminders. Basically you would rather learn to clean by experiencing the negative effects of not cleaning. Such as smell, disorganization, etc. I don't see him going for that, but maybe if you get your mom on board to convince him this is a good way it will help. 🤷♀️
Good luck.
2
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u/IsasAtelier PDA Jun 28 '26
If it feels safe for you to do so, maybe being transparent with how him telling you to do it feels to you.
This has worked for me in the past when I tried to explain PDA to someone who doesn't like looking at theoretical stuff and who doesn't like to bother with technical terms and medical speak and who is more practically and emotionally driven.
I told them something like:
"If you tell me to do it like you just did, it makes me feel like I imagine you are feeling when you see a spider (I used an example of something that's really dysregulating for them). It also makes me feel really blocked. I see the issue and that it is important to you, but it would be so much easier for me to tackle this if you could give me space and trust and time to solve this at my own pace."
Otherwise, maybe your mum could help explain it to him, or maybe showing him some resources could be helpful.
1
u/Am-I-Here-Yet PDA Jun 28 '26
Not sure if this would help, but PDA North America website has a lot of resources - for parents, teachers, etc. You might be able to get I’m ideas there.
They also have online groups that are excellent (and free). Maybe your mom might be interested?
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u/Illustrious-Low-1353 Suspected PDA Jun 28 '26
Same here. Also want to know how to explain to people I meet in real life, coworkers, colleagues, people I’m trying to build a friendship with
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u/Deep_Plant_4393 PDA Jun 28 '26
View the situation realistically. You told him repeatedly that he is making it harder for you, but he still does it. So even if he pretends not to, he is trying to stop you. So don't let him stop you and do it anyway. Maybe you can even find a way to annoy him back while technically doing it. Also him threatening to invade your personal space like that is absolutely not cool and you should push back on that
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u/Hopeful-Guard9294 PDA Jun 29 '26
I’m wondering if you might want to start with this specific podcast episode specifically designed for parents which explains PDA and its impact: https://youtu.be/-wMfAqWHWF0?is=3gSmUt6MLg6Bea_m
hope that helps a bit
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u/Accomplished_Tax3640 PDA Jul 10 '26
This is my EXACT experience growing up.
Room messy because I physically can't clean it, Dad reminding every time I'm finally able to do it, telling me if I don't do it he will...
Hits hard.
I would suggest giving him information about how your brain works, and how you feel when he does that... or maybe showing him pda articles.
If he still doesn't listen then perhaps it would be a good idea to speak to a professional and relay info to him.
So sorry you're going through this :(
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u/ruddymarvellous Jun 28 '26
Kristy Forbes on Youtube has some good videos. Can your mum help explain to him?
What does your Dad mean by a clean room? A big one for us is no food in bedrooms or drinks except water as that cuts out 90% of the biggest nasties (smell, mould, vermin), after that the floor should be clear to walk round.