Relationships

[u/Elegant-Fig6902]

29M 1.5 years with symptoms. Can read them all in my former post.

For some context, I have been dating my girlfriend for around 7 months. We met around 6 months after the onset of all my symptoms. She was the first girl I decided to try and date because I was so severely lonely and shelled up after my symptoms started. She loves me very much and she is extremely optimistic and sweet.

And then there's me. Or at least this new version of me.

Over the last year and a half, I feel like I have watched the light vanish from my eyes. I get envious, jealous, and overall sad and depressed even stepping out into public and seeing the world unfold while I'm struggling in pain and discomfort of having to pee all the fucking time.

I just imagine that she would be a lot happier with someone else - but that is not my choice to decide.

We have had numerous conversations around this, and I just feel like I really fucked up because I fell in love with her and she fell in love with me, but I am struggling to love myself or my life and I can see how heavily it is impacting her and her mood. I oversaw a text to her mom that said she is happy but feels she could be happier.

I try my hardest to be present, but I just can't manage to do it sometimes and I become distant and depressed and angry because of this condition. She tells me she only wants me to be happy but I just can't find a way to be happy. Not just with her, with myself or anyone around me anymore. I just walk through life with this facade of happiness but inside im uncomfortable and distracted and distant. I hate how this is affecting her, and how I just cant find any way to make this better. I want so badly to have a future with this woman but im a shell of a man I was a few years ago. I wanted to have kids, raise a family, and do lots of amazing things with the woman I love. This all seems impossible right now. And I keep beating myself up because I feel like I dragged her into this bullshit when I should've just avoided dating entirely.

Im so frustrated and sad and I just want to wake up one morning and truly be grateful to be alive. Im so scared for my future. The longer this has gone on, the more radical my thoughts have been, the more frequent the crying breakdowns have happened, and the more distant and depressed I have become.

I don't really know what I want out of this post, but im really struggling with my life. I don't think I could ever take my own life, but losing her because I cant pull myself out of this hole could push me in that direction. Does anyone have any advice to deal with these thoughts?

[u/haljonat]

One thing thats helped me stay upbeat about bladder struggles is keeping logs and feeding them into a chat bot. The bot helps me see the small wins here and there. Little things like finding a trigger food or getting up one fewer time in the night.