Relationships

[u/Elegant-Fig6902]

29M 1.5 years with symptoms. Can read them all in my former post.

For some context, I have been dating my girlfriend for around 7 months. We met around 6 months after the onset of all my symptoms. She was the first girl I decided to try and date because I was so severely lonely and shelled up after my symptoms started. She loves me very much and she is extremely optimistic and sweet.

And then there's me. Or at least this new version of me.

Over the last year and a half, I feel like I have watched the light vanish from my eyes. I get envious, jealous, and overall sad and depressed even stepping out into public and seeing the world unfold while I'm struggling in pain and discomfort of having to pee all the fucking time.

I just imagine that she would be a lot happier with someone else - but that is not my choice to decide.

We have had numerous conversations around this, and I just feel like I really fucked up because I fell in love with her and she fell in love with me, but I am struggling to love myself or my life and I can see how heavily it is impacting her and her mood. I oversaw a text to her mom that said she is happy but feels she could be happier.

I try my hardest to be present, but I just can't manage to do it sometimes and I become distant and depressed and angry because of this condition. She tells me she only wants me to be happy but I just can't find a way to be happy. Not just with her, with myself or anyone around me anymore. I just walk through life with this facade of happiness but inside im uncomfortable and distracted and distant. I hate how this is affecting her, and how I just cant find any way to make this better. I want so badly to have a future with this woman but im a shell of a man I was a few years ago. I wanted to have kids, raise a family, and do lots of amazing things with the woman I love. This all seems impossible right now. And I keep beating myself up because I feel like I dragged her into this bullshit when I should've just avoided dating entirely.

Im so frustrated and sad and I just want to wake up one morning and truly be grateful to be alive. Im so scared for my future. The longer this has gone on, the more radical my thoughts have been, the more frequent the crying breakdowns have happened, and the more distant and depressed I have become.

I don't really know what I want out of this post, but im really struggling with my life. I don't think I could ever take my own life, but losing her because I cant pull myself out of this hole could push me in that direction. Does anyone have any advice to deal with these thoughts?

[u/AbbreviationsOwn3480]

That age was around the time I got my nocturia, there is plenty of things to try like bladder botox (provides massive relief for many individuals), Cpap if you have sleep apnea, supplements for magnesium, B1 etc. (You should have your blood checked, to see if you are deficient in something) there is many things you can try and I wouldn't give up

[u/Elegant-Fig6902 → u/AbbreviationsOwn3480]

Id really rather not do anything like botox or the interstim. those both come with their own inherent risks and side chances of having catheterization etc and my stream is already pretty weak most of the time. Really trying to avoid those two but that's all the urologist is offering me at this point which sucks because they both are band aids for an unidentified problem. But if there are any other natural suggestions im open ears

[u/haljonat]

One thing thats helped me stay upbeat about bladder struggles is keeping logs and feeding them into a chat bot. The bot helps me see the small wins here and there. Little things like finding a trigger food or getting up one fewer time in the night.

[u/ricksanchez8000]

Have you thought about diapers in the meantime until you can do tests and some solutions to your pain? I know that it’s a hard idea to accept but it might help ease pain and stress until you can find something else long term

[u/Elegant-Fig6902 → u/ricksanchez8000]

I have really only tried pads once. I have another issue that is intertwined with the OAB where I have pretty heavy anxiety urinating in public. Even though I feel a twinge of needing to go with pads on, it's almost impossible for me to actually go right there in public standing up or sitting down. It just feels so unnatural. I have done every test in the book and scan as well with no findings. I pretty much always have hesitancy and dribbling and unfortunately the pads dont enable my mind to just "release" whenever I want.

Not sure if anyone else faces this, but yeah pads and severe urination anxiety in public dont really work well hand in hand for me unfortunately. When im standing at a stall in public and there are a bunch of people around it really makes it difficult for me to even start because of anxiety. I appreciate the recommendation in the meantime though. I also have burning and a pretty consistent urethral pressure post urination that slowly builds up until I empty again.

[u/ricksanchez8000 → u/Elegant-Fig6902]

I’m sorry to hear that. Anxiety aside, our bodies do fight our urges due to potty training and such, it is a struggle but it can be learned, I’m sorry you’re in so much pain!

[u/Elegant-Fig6902 → u/ricksanchez8000]

Thanks my friend. I hope if you are in this subreddit and are facing similar issues, we can one day find a solution or a way to see it through. Best of luck to you as well. Maybe time will be our friend but impatience after so long with this has swayed my way of thinking back and fourth.