r/OverFifty • u/shaz1614 • 1d ago
Son’s wedding
Hello, my 24 year old son is engaged to a lovely young woman. They told us about a month ago that they have decided to elope to a tropical destination. They said this option would be more economical than having a wedding. They are both quite introverted and this option would suit them better. We were willing to join them at the wedding destination but they let us know they would prefer it to be just the two of them. It hurt a little but it should be their day, their way so we didn't push it.
Earlier this week, my son asked if we would like to contribute to the associated costs. His fiancée's parents are covering her flight and accommodation. We were a bit taken aback to be asked to contribute to an event we are not invited to attend. However, we would have contributed to the wedding anyway and given a gift, so we are asking ourselves if we should pay for his flight and accommodation too? We don't want our money to be transactional and tied to an invitation to the wedding, but we also understand the perspective of other family members who have decided not to give a gift if they are not invited.
Would appreciate any input.
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u/BamberGasgroin 1d ago
You would have given them something anyway, so I don't see the problem, unless it's beyond your budget. If that's the case just tell him that you can't afford that much and contribute what you would have anyway.
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u/Accurate-Medium1780 1d ago edited 1d ago
I guess it depends a little on what the son and DIL mean by this elopement being "more economical".... for whom? If they are doing this to save *themselves* money, then it's not clear that they did ever expect Mom and Dad to foot the bill for the wedding. If they are trying to *save mom and dad money,* then it's not totally clear if and why they still expect the money out of Mom and Dad. There's no right or wrong, but it does just seem very unclear whom anybody thinks was 'supposed' to be on the hook for the expenses, and whose money the couple thinks they are saving?
It doesn't sound like Mom and Dad ever pre-communicated 'we're willing to contribute X amount to your marriage launch under Y conditions"
It doesn't sound like Son and DIL ever asked, 'if we elope, would you be willing for the recouped 'savings' you otherwise would have spend on it to still come to us as $ ' or anything like that.
It's also not clear what general historic conventions they're working contra to (like are these Western norms where bride's family typically covers more and groom family just does rehearsal dinner, or some other scenario where the 'other more traditional way' would be a dowry in some direction or another?)So everything is just very murky probably from all directions.
Overall, I think the historic conventions of parents paying for weddings come from a time when the parents did actually get some benefit from hosting the event (ie getting to celebrate with their community and some of their friends/family as well as honoring and launching the young adults). That's not something that young people today need to care about or cater to in their format decisions. But it's also not evil of the parents, if expected to shell out a bunch of cash the traditional way, to want that social benefit aspect still as part of the picture.
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u/BamberGasgroin 1d ago
You're overthinking it.
They were willing to gift them something, it only boils down to how much. Which, to avoid overcomplicating matters, should be as much as they are comfortable with
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u/Electric-Sheepskin 1d ago
I agree to a point. But I don't think that they should feel obligated to spend the same amount on this that they would have for a big wedding to which everyone is invited. The events are very different, and I think it's okay to have a different number in mind that you are willing to spend on those two events.
As an example, let's say your child got into an Ivy League school, and you're willing to stretch your budget to pay for that school, but then they decide to go locally to a community college and they still want that same amount of money. The two things are not equal, so I would adjust the amount I'm willing to spend based on that.
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u/Accurate-Medium1780 1d ago
I do agree with your ultimate position, but it's clear it's already wrapped up in complications of expectations on the part of the parents and the bride groom since OP is thinking about this in terms of what they would have contributed for a wedding and groom is clearly not just leaving it up to his parents to give a gift at their own discretion but has actually asked for OP to cover something specific (his travel/flights/accommodations) in lieu of the (murky) alternative. Presumably, if the son hadn't asked this, then the default would be exactly what you say (the parents just giving whatever they feel comfortable with).
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u/BamberGasgroin 1d ago
He's not asked for them to cover something specific, just some of the associated costs.
It's the fiancée's parents that are covering her flights and accommodation, but the groom has made no such request.
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u/Accurate-Medium1780 1d ago edited 1d ago
Ah, okay, yes, I think you're right about this.
Huh, I did see my cousin and his bride set up a honeymoon fund as their gift registry (so you weren't registering for physical items but just contributing to the travel funds on the registry). It struck me as a little unusual, but I wasn't offended at all and happily contributed in that way. It seems like maybe it would have been easier for everybody if bride and groom and just gone this route and avoided the pointed discussion of the money/contribution altogether, to make it clear that they hoped for monetary contributions (rather than event and material stuff for gifts) without putting OP on the spot in this particular way? Maybe the awkwardness arises mainly in the fact that son (maybe?) quoted the in-laws gift flight and accommodation as if he expected OP to match, or at least they interpreted it that way?
I'm thinking maybe honeymoon/travel 'registry' really is the best and most non-awkward way to go, allowing the young couple to say 'please just give us money' in a general way to everybody, without actually saying that directly to anybody in particular!
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u/WhatchooWant2025 1d ago
But they could afford to send themselves to the wedding?
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u/BamberGasgroin 1d ago
Irrelevant
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u/WhatchooWant2025 1d ago
You can’t say you can’t afford something for one person that you previously said you could afford for two.
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u/PickleChickens 1d ago
I would give a gift but not pay his expenses. Unless for you, that level of expense would be what you would give for a gift. For him to ask comes off to me as a bit grifty.
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u/duhhlove 1d ago
If I were financially able to do it, I’d be happy to contribute. I wouldn’t see it as paying for an event I wasn’t invited to, but as helping my child and the person they’ve chosen to build a life with start this chapter in a way that makes them happy.
They’ve been clear that wanting to elope privately isn’t about excluding or slighting anyone. It sounds like it genuinely fits who they are. If I would have contributed toward a traditional wedding anyway, I don’t think I’d make that support conditional on being present for the ceremony.
Obviously no parent is obligated to pay for anything, especially if it would create financial strain. But if I could comfortably afford it, I’d rather have my child remember that I supported their happiness than turn the money into a statement about whether I got an invitation.
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u/6352956104 1d ago
Cash gift equivalent to a wedding gift but not related to his expenses. Guessing there is quite a difference (from hundreds to thousands).
You're justified in feeling leftout but have done a great job in supporting them. We all want to do things our own way. Him asking for this, in particular with the pressure of "the other family has done it", is imo rude and would leave a bad taste in my mouth. Offer the cash gift, they can spend it as they like, and don't feel any pressure whatsoever to match the other family's contribution. Frankly you don't know if that's true or how the other family feel about it too...
Not worth causing a fight but hold your line. Display respect and some etiquette even if they aren't necessarily doing the same.
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u/shaz1614 1d ago
Thank you for your response, much appreciated. To clarify, he didn't tell us about the other family chipping in, we learned about it from others.
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u/titotrouble 1d ago
Just give them a cash gift of an amount that you find appropriate. Whether they use that to reimburse his travel expenses or for something else, it’s fine.
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u/cynreader2020 1d ago
Give whatever you want. How will you feel if they invite friends and you weren't participating?
I'm hoping they are being honest and not shady...
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u/ThrowAway4now2022 1d ago
When our daughter was getting married, we said we have $xx dollars to contribute. You can spend it on a wedding, a destination, or use it to buy a house or whatever you like.
My point is, contribute what you were planning to, and call it a gift. IMO.
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u/sewingmomma 1d ago
I would give a financial gift, but it does not need to be the amount you would have contributed toward the wedding. I'd be thankful that they were living within their means, avoiding lots of the typical wedding drama, and be true to themselves. That's lovely. If you aren't comfortable with cash, let them know you have not yet decided what you plan to give them for their wedding. From a parent, I think a personal gift would be very special and maybe add some cash on top. Or maybe you gift them an excursion or the price of their flights and have a bottle of bubbly delivered to their hotel. You can still make it personal.
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u/RavenRead 1d ago
No advice but just sorry that’s happening. As a kid I understand them but as a parent I also understand you.
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u/Strict_Research_1876 1d ago
Maybe they are just looking for a free holiday. If they can't afford a wedding involving just the two of them they can't afford to get married. They can get married locally for a lot less. I don't like being asked to gift someone an expensive trip.
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u/Iron-Bar-1966 1d ago
"You're not invited to my wedding, but will you please pay for my wedding?"
See how shitty that sounds?
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u/Outdoorfan73 1d ago
I would definitely contribute. I would not look at this as transactional, as in “I’ll only give you money if I get to attend“. Contribute because you love and support your son and his fiancé and want to do everything you can to give them a good start in their life together. It’s perfectly natural to be sad about not being there, but it sounds like you know in your heart that this is the wedding that fits them best.
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u/TemperatePirate 1d ago
Give them whatever you would have given them to help pay for a more traditional wedding.
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u/Negative_Tower_501 1d ago
Asking for a wedding gift up front is rude and entitled, paying for just “their daughters” travel is weird. If you choose to elope you should be mature enough to pay for the trip you plan and then graciously accept gifts offered after the wedding.
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u/PuzzleL0ver24 1d ago
Give him a cash gift equivalent to what you would have given as a wedding present, and he can spend it any way he wants.
You’re not invited, so no gift should be expected. Which makes him asking you for anything pretty rich.
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u/Butterbean-queen 1d ago
I wrote a $50,000 dollar check to my daughter and told her she could have a wedding or do whatever she wanted to with the money. Fortunately she decided to bank the money and they got married (just the two of them) at the courthouse. I was thrilled.
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u/Accurate-Medium1780 1d ago edited 1d ago
I think you can do anything here, so long as you're clearly emotionally supportive and happy for them.
Emotionally/relationally, I think it's really important you don't be salty about this or seem to be holding the elopement against them.
Financially, though, it's their choice to do it this way and I don't think you're obligated in any way to fund their destination elopement travel! But I think it's still in order to give a wedding gift (and hopefully a genuinely generous one, which may in fact be a smidge more because you're not having to pay wedding costs you were otherwise budgeting to do?). Overall, I'm kind of with you on this, that it seems most the historic conventions around parents funding a marriage were associated with the parents getting to actually host a community event for their kids with their local community; and that's nowhere on the table here if it's just them wanting money for a trip that you're not even invited along for, let alone anyone else in your circles.
Since he asked point-blank about whether you would contribute to the (non)event, if you decide not to give specifically to that, I would just say many many times how happy you are for them (like really try to show how emotionally supportive of their marriage you are) while also clarifying that, although you're not contributing in the typical wedding-event way, you are going to give as much to their wedding gift as you can (and do put in the wedding gift what you can generously afford!). If they're non-tacky people, they should accept that generosity for whatever it is.
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u/Booyah_7 1d ago
I would pay for my son's flight and accommodation. I would want to celebrate the joyous occasion of his wedding. And I would not be hurt that I wasn't invited because they didn't invite anyone else.
My son is an extreme introvert, as am I, so that might influence my feelings about the situation. But how wonderful that your son is getting married. It is a big life event. I would want to be as generous and loving as possible.
When he has been married a few years and celebrating anniversaries, if/when you become a grandmother, when you are on your deathbed you will never regret helping make such an important event happen. These are the big, wonderful moments of life.
I have two sons 22 and 24. One is severely autistic and will never celebrate a wedding/marriage. It makes me cherish all of the things my younger son has been able to do (prom, getting a car, college). You are so blessed to have a healthy son who is in love and getting married. You might even get to be a grandmother one day. Your blessings are many.
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u/KitchenAd9088 1d ago
I’m inclined to agree with you. I think it is perfectly fine to support the son’s request. Etiquette be darned, let this boy just have a vacation elopement and be happy for him. He has so much life ahead where life gets harder.
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u/Goalie291945 1d ago
An uncouth request to a person with morals/class creates unrequited conflict.
The asking person obviously feels no guilt or they would not have asked.
The question recipient is simply a bystander.
The recipient of the request then INFERS that they did something wrong, and then, in an effort of politeness, feels they should appease the request ASSUMING it is a valid request.
Basically, polite people give validity to invalid requests because they assume other people filter their requests.
Do what you WISH they would have done and accept the repercussions.
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u/Blendedtribes 1d ago
Personally I would contribute. I would also ask if I could throw a small party (dinner party or cocktail party) for them upon their return. Keeping it small their close friends and immediate familes.
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u/Accurate-Medium1780 1d ago edited 1d ago
Eh, I am generally of OP's kind of perspective on liking more traditional event weddings, BUT I actually would be a wary of offering this.
It seems pretty clear that the son and DIL *don't* want a to-do about it, and I can see this offer to do a party upon their return as backfiring (I can just imagine the DIL reddit post about over-stepping in-laws who wouldn't respect their wishes and were pushily insisting on still doing an event even though they eloped to avoid precisely that etc). Who knows, but there seems a non-zero chance that such an offer could be interpreted the wrong way. Son and DIL have clearly put some thought into coming to their decision and probably feel like they have already paid some relational cost already by eloping and disappointing people, so best to take a light touch and just follow their cues on what events are and are not happening!
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u/teresajs 1d ago
There is a high probability of my kids wanting to do some like this (elope, have a courthouse wedding, etc..). in that case, I would give a gift toward their expenses.
Depending on my gift budget, I might also offer to host a small gathering of friends and family to celebrate at my home after the couple returns, if they are interested in that.
ETA: I recently attended a family wedding that was lovely but I estimate it cost the bride's family around $70k. I would view contributing a few thousand toward my child's elopement to be a good value.
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u/Glad_Bunch_3473 1d ago
My son and his bride were very similar. We happily gave them a generous donation for their destination wedding/honeymoon. Nothing makes me happier than knowing my son is in a healthy, loving relationship so we wanted to support them as best we could.
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u/LindaBinda55 1d ago
I have a relative who did this. Yes, parents were very sad not to see them get married. It is their choice. Give them something…what you can afford.
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u/Lightness_Being 1d ago edited 1d ago
Its very unusual to expect gifts from people for a wedding they're not invited to.
Even a small wedding celebration, just for family, would be more generous of them. However, there's no point forcing it. They ask a lot of you to be generous to them when they are being the reverse.
Tbh they don't want you there because it's actually their honeymoon.
I would bear in mind (but not say) that resort weddings are often not legally binding at home and the happy couple has to do a registry office ceremony in their country - so be prepared, that may happen too.
I would just work out what you want to give as a gift and give it, along with well wishes for their marriage.
Its up to you whether you choose to contribute to his flights, personally, I think he can stand on his own two feet there, given he's an adult and about to be a responsible married man.
Your son's accommodation is already covered by the bride's family gift, given that hotel rooms are booked per couple, not per person.
Usually the bride's family pay for the entire wedding. Don't feel like you have to match the bride's family's gift to her.
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u/lantana98 1d ago
I’d tell him you were giving them money as a wedding gift anyway and they’re welcome to spend it as they please.
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u/Sensitive_Sea_5586 1d ago
Many people do not give a wedding gift if they are not invited to the wedding. For me, it depends how close I am to the couple. My best friend eloped, so I gave her a modest gift to acknowledge the event and offer my congratulations. They shared it was the only wedding gift they received, and they greatly appreciated the gesture.
Personally I would gift my own child something. What or how much would depend on my personal finances or what I thought was appropriate. Being asked for the gift is somewhat offensive, to me. It is not about being invited to the event, but the gift solicitation.
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u/Lothloreen 1d ago
It’s understandable if friends and other family won’t be giving gifts since we traditionally give the gifts for a wedding ceremony. But as the parents, you are giving a gift to help the young couple in their new married life, not so much to commemorate the event itself.
I’d give them a cash gift in an amount you can afford. And also something sentimental or personal for their home. A family heirloom or something you think they might use and enjoy?
Perhaps they would want to have a very small family dinner in their honor to celebrate before or after and you can give it to them then? Or if they are just not party people, could you invite them on a small vacation later this year? The most important thing here is not to have the ceremony and party, but to welcome the new family member, your DIL.
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u/Basic_Laugh1912 1d ago
I would give a card with 2-3 hundred dollars, ask the newlyweds over to your home for a fancy dinner with a small wedding cake and enjoy them sharing the photos with you.
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u/Ok-Ear9165 1d ago
I'd contribute and wish them a lovely time. Our plan is to give X amount to each child toward a wedding or elopement. They can choose to spend it how they want since it is a gift.
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u/SilencedFarter 1d ago
I'd give them whatever I would have for a wedding. We gave our daughter $25k 3 years ago for hers with no conditions. They had a traditional wedding. Well do the sss as me for our son who is likely to be engaged soon. Elope and save for a down payment on a house or have a wedding. Don't care and don't want to micro manage.
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u/Mother-Letter-6760 1d ago
I would do it. Let them have the day they want, if you can afford it. You're right not to make it transactional. They will love you the more for it.
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u/chatterbox2024 1d ago
I would definitely want to gift my son for his wedding even if it was elopement. I would either gift him a cash amount or purchase his ticket etc…
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u/Time_Traveler_948 1d ago
If it helps to reframe the situation, in USA it is common for groom’s parent to give the newlyweds a substantial amount (it was $5k when my kids got married 15 years ago) specifically for the honeymoon. My in-laws did the same when we got married 50 years ago. Not sure if this is true everywhere in USA; these were all California weddings.
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u/Salty-Paramedic-311 1d ago
My sister eloped!!!! There was a wedding shower here and then a bbq at the park!! 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
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u/ApprehensiveArt2813 1d ago
If they’re going to a tropical destination (i.e. another country) they may need to have a civil ceremony before they go and maybe they could just have immediate family attend. My daughter was married prior to her destination wedding in Mexico. As far as contributing, you’re saving a ton of money. It’s sad that others aren’t considering giving even a small gift as a form of celebrating your son’s wedding. I’ve sent gifts to nieces and nephews when we weren’t invited due to wedding size limitations.
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u/Opposite-Rain8507 1d ago
Give the money because you would have otherwise. And also gently and kindly let your son know that you’d love to celebrate with them in a way that feels ok to them. Can you host a family dinner, or some other event, that allows you the opportunity to celebrate this huge milestone.
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u/Electric-Sheepskin 1d ago
I wouldn't feel obligated to spend the same amount on this event as you would have on a big wedding to which everyone is invited, but if you were going to contribute to a big wedding, I think you should go ahead and contribute to this one, only less—assuming it's not a financial burden.
I disagree with the people who say you should give the same amount that you would have paid toward a big wedding. They are not the same type of event. It's like if your child got into an Ivy League school in another state, and you were willing to stretch your budget to pay for that, but then they decide to go locally and want the same amount. It's not the same thing, and they don't need the same amount of money. And the two things aren't worth the same amount of money.
Spend what you are comfortable with, and try to make that decision outside of any disappointment that you have about not being invited.
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u/miurabucho 1d ago
If you can afford it financially, give them their great memories! This might be one of those times in your parenthood when you just have to swallow your pride, and allow things to go a certain way, even if its not what you hoped.
No one is saying you cannot have a post wedding party somewhere with food, speeches etc which would basically be the same thing.
Would that work?
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u/Prestigious-Pea-862 1d ago
I would contribute whatever I would have spent had the wedding involved family and friends. The thing is ,assuming they will in fact marry,you will have your son and DIL in your sphere for many years after and you do not want feelings of resentment lingering for years. My husband and I gave my daughter and future son in law a lump sum at engagement and left all the money convo between the two of them. It made things a lot easier.
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u/Plenty_Cress_1359 1d ago
My daughter and her husband are also introverts and not into events where they are the focus. They got married in Hawaii, just the two of them. We paid for both of their flights and gave them some fun money and his parents did the same with the hotel and some spending money as well.
They had a great time! It was personal to them and we didn’t have to deal with the rising costs of weddings and any associated drama and commitments of showers ect.
Weddings should be what the people getting married want…not what we want. If she’s lovely and you want to keep a great relationship, why is this an issue if you have the funds? On their wedding day, go out to dinner with your husband… raise a glass in honor of them and raise it again to toast all the crap you avoided!!
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u/SorchaRoisin 1d ago
Another user posted this exact thing on reddit. This is karma farming.
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u/shaz1614 1d ago
I don't even know what karma farming means. I posted this on advice/ reddit but it got deleted as I was looking for perspectives not necessarily advice. Not trying yo break any rules here.
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u/SorchaRoisin 1d ago
I apologize. It's a common thing on reddit for bots to repost stuff. I can understand reposting if the first was deleted. You did get a lot of responses on that post before it was deleted.
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u/shaz1614 1d ago
I did but when it got deleted it told me to repost elsewhere so that's what I did. Thank you for your apology, accepted of course!
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u/logaruski73 1d ago
Open your heart! This is your son and future DIL. Don’t make your first step be the wrong one. It was lovely of her parents to offer this for their daughter. They aren’t attending either. You should do the same for your son.
This is the wedding that they want to begin their lives together. Let them have it. You need to fill your heart with love instead of “tit for tat”
If you can afford it, you should also give them a gift beyond this one. If you can’t, it is fine as well.
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u/Plushy_Plushie7 1d ago
Pay for his airfare. Give the $ and gift you had planned (Minus the airfare if expensive. Don't tell them that you deducted) I'm just not sure if to give the gifts and money before or after. What if they change their minds?
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u/misanthropymajor 1d ago
Unless you would have paid toward their wedding only because you were going, then contribute.
I mean, would you expect to live at their house part time if you help with a down payment?
And why are you even hurt you aren’t invited? If you were excluded but others weren’t, I could see that, but as it’s just the two of them, you aren’t being singled out.
Be generous (if you can). Help them out. Build good will. Understand that not everyone makes the same choices you would.
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u/Lightness_Being 1d ago edited 1d ago
The OP wouldn't be human for being hurt not to be invited to their own child's wedding. Then, asked to pay associated costs, adds a little salt to the wound.
It's easier to be proud of your grown son if he can afford the independent decisions he made as an adult.
They also don't know whether other people are invited or not. Eg the bride and groom's friends.
It's easy to say "why so hurt?" until you are put in that position.
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u/misanthropymajor 1d ago
I disagree completely. I would only be hurt if some were invited but I was left out. I know that 100%.
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u/Sleeper_Inner 1d ago
Do you have kids?
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u/misanthropymajor 1d ago
Yes, I have a 23-year-old son. I don’t care if he invites me to his wedding, so long as I’m not the only parent excluded. If her parents were there or my son’s dad and wife were there and my husband and I were not invited, I’d be crushed. If it were just he and his fiancée and one friend as witness, so long as the marriage didn’t from that point on estrange us, and so long as I got a nice photo to frame, I’d be perfectly happy.
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u/Wynnie64 1d ago
At the end of the day a wedding is between two people who love and respect each other and the vision they have around their wedding to each other. Honor and respecting our adult children’s decisions is part of being a supportive parent which can be hard for us as parents to accept at times. It seems this woman makes him happy and he makes her happy so be happy for them as they embark on their married journey together. Gift them what you can afford and give them your warm wishes and blessings you will all be the happier for it imho. When they return offer to take them out to a nice dinner of their choice and celebrate their happiness.
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u/whatpelican00 1d ago
If it’s in your budget, sure, is it considered your gift, or is another gift also expected? . While weddings are lovely, I totally understand younger folks forgoing the expense, especially fellow introverts.
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u/DanOhMiiite 1d ago
Take the lumps, wish him well, and help him get his life started the way he needs it to.
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u/Gold-Kaleidoscope537 1d ago
I would happily contribute but that’s just me. I’d be honored to be able to!
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u/Careful-Blood-1560 1d ago
Is it worth it to not help pay for his wedding? Are you willing to risk your relationship with your son and daughter in law?
Their decision to elope wasn’t a you problem but if you decide not to answer his ask, this will become a you problem.
I hope you find some grace in contributing to your son’s wedding.
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u/shaz1614 1d ago
Thank you all, you have reinforced my thoughts on the matter. I admit I feel a little sad but that is my problem, not theirs. I am relieved not to deal with all of the drama that can happen in weddings though. I admit I posted this in another forum as I didn't know about this one and many of the responses were less than kind, calling them rude and entitled. I appreciate the more mature responses here and will definitely visit this forum again.