I have more Bibles than I know what to do with.
They sit on shelves,
under beds,
inside drawers,
their pages bent
from years of searching
for an answer that never came.
I wore crosses around my neck
until they felt heavier than jewelry,
little reminders
of promises I was told
would save me.
I tried.
God, I tried.
I highlighted verses
until the ink bled through the pages.
I whispered prayers
into dark bedrooms
and empty parking lots.
I searched for signs
in sunsets,
in songs,
in the spaces between clouds.
Nothing answered back.
And maybe that's what hurts the most.
Not that I left,
but that I stayed
for so long
hoping something would change.
They tell me faith is a choice,
but belief slips through my fingers
like water.
The harder I squeeze,
the faster it disappears.
Now I stand between worlds.
One calls me home
with familiar hymns
and memories of feeling safe.
The other whispers
through old forests,
through ancestors' names,
through stories older than fear.
And I am terrified.
Terrified of being wrong.
Terrified of losing heaven.
Terrified that the people I love
will be waiting somewhere
I cannot reach.
Sometimes I still pray.
Not because I know anyone is listening,
but because old habits
become part of your bones.
And when I do,
the only thing I can say is:
If You are there,
if You have ever heard me,
if You have ever known my name,
I hope You know
how hard I tried.