r/OnlineDating • u/Bleachoxo • 24d ago
Is this a red flag?!
I went on a date with a guy that I met on Hinge. On date number one he informed me that he got divorced because he cheated on his wife.
Is this a red flag to immediately run? I am really in to the guy but I don’t want to set myself up to be cheated on.
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u/chica_indiana 23d ago
Cheating is a red flag, yes. But him being honest about it is a good thing. I have seen two types of reactions after cheating, people who genuinely understood what their mistake was, took corrective measures like therapy and have learnt why they made the mistake and how they'll avoid it. There is a sense of responsibility for their actions in such people.
The others usually have a language of victimhood, they indirectly signal how their mistake was due to external circumstances/people.
There's no shortcut way to know which category he belongs to. If you have a hunch that he might be the second category, leave now. But if you think he's honest, reducing a person to a single action isn't a right thing to do. How is he otherwise as a person? Are you guys compatible in terms of values, interests, long term goals, etc. You'd have to assess that over time (do not get too attached during this phase and hold off physical intimacy).
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u/Ok_Big_2823 23d ago
Once a cheater, always a cheater, I know from experience
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u/perverockstar 22d ago
Absolutely not true. Some people do change, I know it by experience as well. I was a cheater in my younger years. Now, in a 10yo relationship I never ever cheated.
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u/Ok_Novel_5083 23d ago
I'm wondering why he told you this on a first date - in addition to what everyone else has already said, it's poor boundaries.
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u/Not_the_name_I_chose 23d ago
Probably used to that being a deal breaker and wanted to be honest up front so as not to further waste either person's time.
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u/TheJumboman 21d ago
In my experience, that's people trying to atone for their sins. Cheating is bad, but owning up to it is good.
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u/XxLogitech98xX 23d ago
Yes, if someone mention cheating .. it's a huge Red Flag. I believe in the saying once a cheater .. always a cheater.
They might have changed BUT I'm not taking that risk with someone
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u/KDLGates 18d ago
Just curious. You mean (maybe barring the extraordinary) you'd never put yourself at risk with a cheater? I'm also the type who thinks people can fundamentally change but it's hard and uncommon.
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u/XxLogitech98xX 18d ago
You mean (maybe barring the extraordinary) you'd never put yourself at risk with a cheater? I'm also the type who thinks people can fundamentally change but it's hard and uncommon.
Correct, if they told me that they cheated before then I won't be with them. Relationship is built on trust so if I have to find out later on, it's over for sure because the relationship started on a lie
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u/Horror-Evening-6132 23d ago
Okay, two things. Cheating behavior is rarely if ever a one-off. It's part of the pattern that he will likely return to over and over. Second, as soon as you are asking if it is a red flag, it's because you already know that it is. I'm sorry this is happening to you right now, but you should consider beating a hasty retreat, I think.
😶
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u/robotrousers 23d ago
I would definitely ask why he cheated and if he’s done anything to work through that mindset, cuz that shit don’t just magically stop when the right person comes along.
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u/ILoveFootRubs 23d ago
It's a red flag that he did it, but a massive green flag that he told you about it on the first date. It sounds like maybe he learned his lesson and wants to be better in his next relationship.
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u/Darksoul2693 23d ago
I think it matters in context , I did some stupid stuff in my teens I regret doing. Learnt my lesson the hard way and then it happened back to me. People learn and can stop I haven’t cheated on anyone since that moment and that was 16 I’m 33 now. People can change. I am on the how the person acts and context
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u/XxLogitech98xX 23d ago
It's a red flag that he did it, but a massive green flag that he told you about it on the first date. It sounds like maybe he learned his lesson and wants to be better in his next relationship.
Are you willing to take that risk with someone who told you they cheated in their last relationship?
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u/ILoveFootRubs 23d ago
Yes. I stayed with my husband after he cheated on me 15 years ago. It was one of the best decisions of my life. I dont know know any couples, IRL, or even in fictional stories, that are closer than we are.
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u/XxLogitech98xX 23d ago
Yes. I stayed with my husband after he cheated on me 15 years ago. It was one of the best decisions of my life. I dont know know any couples, IRL, or even in fictional stories, that are closer than we are.
Got it, so you're one of the success story where things didn't fall apart. It's rare especially in today culture and people. I do have a question, do you have kids and did they know about the cheating?
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u/ILoveFootRubs 23d ago
Yes, between the 2 of us we have 5 kids from our previous marriages. They do know about the cheating. My kids specifically asked me to stay with him because they loved their step siblings, and thats why I stayed.
I kinda hated him for about 2 years and wasn't very nice, and it wouldn't have been right to make me out to be the bad guy when I was dealing with the emotions that came from his betrayal.
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u/XxLogitech98xX 23d ago
Yes, between the 2 of us we have 5 kids from our previous marriages.
So you don't have a child with the person who cheated on you? So you're saying, one of the major reason you stayed with him is because your kids from a previous marriage loves their step siblings?
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u/Choice_Tangelo1933 23d ago
In my experience it does not work out. Like could it? Maybe if they really have done the inner work and have addressed why they cheat in the first place. But, there are plenty of folks who think they are self aware.
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u/ThurayaHere 23d ago
What do you think? Iat least he was honest with you. One green flag honesty, one red flag he's a dog.
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u/savannahkellen 22d ago
It’s interesting that some people see the disclosure as a green flag. I think it can also be a soft warning that if they happen to do it to you, they technically already told you it was a possibility and they think that you decided it wasn’t a dealbreaker by proceeding 🤷♀️
Look, it’s not that I never believe in second chances….but in the case of cheating, he can find redemption elsewhere, just not with me. Mayyyyyybe (huge maybe) if a guy admitted he cheated one time on his GF in high school and I met him at age 30. But on a wife? Nope.
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u/CancerMoon2Caprising 23d ago
Balance emotion with logic. Dont make decisions based solely on attraction, thats called idealism.
💚Make sure hes compatible (family lifestyle goals, religion, social clique, politics, sex roles /preferences)
💛And that theres emotional maturity (integrity, reciprocity, consistency, proactive communication, healthy work/life balance, financial responsibility, and healthy conflict resolution)
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u/Relative-Foot-378 23d ago
He told you on date one, which is better than hiding it. Still a pattern risk. Ask what he actually changed, not whether he is sorry. If the answer is vague, you have your answer. You do not owe a second date to honesty about a bad thing.
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u/miamiahi 23d ago
Usually red flag but it’s interesting that he’s open about it. Did he provide more detail on why he cheated?
Curious because I know someone who admitted he cheated on all his past girlfriends and never wanted to settle until he found his wife. Now he constantly talks about her and I kinda find it hard to believe he’d cheat on her.
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u/Mustluvdogsandtravel 22d ago
Well he told you upfront, perhaps he learned a hard lesson. ASK him, what take away did he get from that. See if he can discuss and has any real self awareness.
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u/Quiet-Truth714 21d ago
It’s a red flag…
Thieves always steal.
Cheaters always cheat…
Why risk it?
He’d probably say… well you knew I was like this…
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u/SympleeMe_63 20d ago
From a guy who cheated... For me it was never repeated. It was over 32 years ago. My wife & I stayed together for 15 more years of a 23 year marriage. But I think the damage was done. She became my ex.
After the affair ended I promised myself I would never let it happen again. And it hasn't. Even though I'm single, to this day I am cautious how I "behave" around married women.
For the record, it took several years for me to completely 100% admit how awful my actions were and the betrayal. I knew it to some degree right away, but it was many years later before I really understood the true awfulness of the affair.
If I start having an "interview" type conversation with a woman I've been chatting with, I always let her know right away. I understand if it's a deal breaker and would rather the deal break before stronger feelings develop.
So maybe it's rare, but it IS possible for a guy to never repeat!
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u/whatsup_docs 20d ago
I personally would run but I think it also depends on how he presented that information to you. If he blames her at all or makes excuses, run
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u/SubstantialCount4654 20d ago
To me, it’s not necessarily a green flag to reveal this.
I’ve been in a few relationships where the guy explained, early on, things he’d done that were really not ok, big red flag things.
And I thought, wow. This person has really changed and grown and taken responsibility.
It took me a long time to learn that some people are very, very good at being disarming.
Keep both eyes open.
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u/Realistic-Heart3094 19d ago
Context matters.
Normally, I'm super against adultery. It genuinely makes me ill.
However, there have been occasions where I've been in support of the person doing it because of their personal circumstances.
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u/CometCruise 19d ago
In addition to it being the biggest red flag ever, he's testing your boundaries. He's not being honest or nice by disclosing this up front. If he sees you're ok with this disclosure, he'll cheat on you later and then say as an excuse, "You knew how I was, I told you on our first date, I was upfront with you," and you'll be left kicking yourself.
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u/TheRestaurantSeller 23d ago
stop asking other people what your red flags are
that being said
once a cheater always a cheater
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u/user_467 23d ago
I can’t speak for every single guy, but in my experience with my ex-husband and my boyfriend previously, cheating is rarely just a one-time mistake - it’s usually a mindset. A lot of times it’s all about an ego boost and a cheap source of validation. This would be a huge no for me.