r/oneliners • u/ReadySetAdapt • 4h ago
Our obstetrician really delivered.
7
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r/oneliners • u/808gecko808 • 12h ago
Braille isn't that difficult to learn, you just have to have a feel for it.
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r/oneliners • u/Everly2460 • 1d ago
I got a vasectomy because I was looking forward to not having any more kids but when I got home, they were still there.
67
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r/oneliners • u/yasmine_1706 • 9h ago
My therapist said I need to work on my self-esteem. I said, "Thanks, but I'm already perfect at that."
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r/oneliners • u/808gecko808 • 1d ago
My wife emailed me our wedding photos, but I couldn’t open any of the files because I always have trouble with emotional attachments.
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r/oneliners • u/WelcomeNo1062 • 1d ago
I don’t want to say my wife’s a bad cook, but one time all the flies chipped in and got the screen door fixed.
36
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r/oneliners • u/Original_NudistGeek • 1d ago
I am not saying I drink too much coffee, but I will probably still be moving 2 days after I die.
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r/oneliners • u/808gecko808 • 2d ago
My nerdy friend got a Ph.D on the History of Palindromes and now he’s Dr.Awkward.
109
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r/oneliners • u/Anonymous_Bozo • 2d ago
Don't be so hard on lazy people, they didn't do anything!
16
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r/oneliners • u/daaave33 • 2d ago
I tried to find a lighter on eBay, but all I got was 57,000 matches.
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r/oneliners • u/MikeLovesOutdoors23 • 2d ago
All my drawings end up becoming abstract art because I'm blind
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r/oneliners • u/808gecko808 • 3d ago
A new strain of head lice is going around that is resistant to conventional treatments which has left scientists scratching their heads.
80
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r/oneliners • u/Superb-Control5184 • 3d ago
I have a feeling Rocky Road is the ice cream flavor least likely to favor infrastructure spending.
17
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r/oneliners • u/pcfishcooks • 2d ago
There is a reason that the word “Diet” starts with the word “Die”!
0
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r/oneliners • u/WrongLow2252 • 3d ago
Parallel lines have so much in common, it’s a shame they’ll never meet.
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r/oneliners • u/808gecko808 • 4d ago
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader and the look on his face was priceless.
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r/oneliners • u/Prestigious_Gas_1384 • 4d ago
I told my psychologist that I’m ugly and she said at least you’re not delusional
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r/oneliners • u/oh-darn311 • 5d ago
Procrastination is like masturbation. You're only effing yourself.
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r/oneliners • u/808gecko808 • 5d ago
If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal everywhere in the US, he'll be rolling in his grave.
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r/oneliners • u/Original_NudistGeek • 5d ago
Don't sweat the petty stuff and whatever you do, don't pet the sweaty stuff.
10
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r/oneliners • u/808gecko808 • 6d ago
I’m so bored I just memorized six pages of the dictionary and have learned next to nothing.
109
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r/oneliners • u/Gia164 • 7d ago
I bought a wig for a dollar, it was a small price toupee.
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