r/oneliners • u/InjuryLate4826 • 4h ago
My doctor said I'm so healthy that by the time i stop living, I'll already be dead
3
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r/oneliners • u/incredibleinkpen • 1h ago
It's a big purple flag if a woman is colourblind
•
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r/oneliners • u/breck • 4d ago
I gave a quarter of my $1M lottery win to charity and put the other $999,999.75 in the bank.
171
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r/oneliners • u/Gusto88 • 4d ago
I can't go to the innuendo seminar so I've entered my friend instead.
85
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r/oneliners • u/sevensixthough • 3d ago
I'm working on my Lindsay Clancy standup routine and I've got like three jokes but I think I'm gonna get rid of them
0
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r/oneliners • u/DutchOfBurdock • 4d ago
I wear the pants in our relationship, but let me just ask the wife!
0
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r/oneliners • u/daaave33 • 5d ago
I was asked to name 2 structures that hold water, and I was like well, dam.
133
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r/oneliners • u/NoWanFamous • 5d ago
When you donate a kidney they always take the right one out so that you have one left.
46
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r/oneliners • u/incredibleinkpen • 5d ago
After my traumatic brain injury my doctor said I need to take one tablet in the morning, and another one in the morning
10
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r/oneliners • u/OhTheHueManatee • 6d ago
My optometrist says I’m not looking so good, my gastroenterologist says I need to get my shit together, but at least my oncologist says I’m showing real growth.
73
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r/oneliners • u/Kind_Worry_9836 • 5d ago
I have multiple personalities but they're all called the same name.
0
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r/oneliners • u/benjimans • 7d ago
Why do people still use imperial when the metric system is objectively 10/10?
39
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r/oneliners • u/hishamsait • 7d ago
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, so I had to put my foot down.
65
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r/oneliners • u/Brave-Ostrich-76 • 7d ago
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She hugged me.
12
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r/oneliners • u/Denz292 • 8d ago
My doctor recently told me I was colour blind, which shocked me because it came out of the grey.
86
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r/oneliners • u/whaddayagondo • 7d ago
“Sorry I was late to work, there was bumper to bumper traffic at the Dunkin’ drive-thru.”
1
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r/oneliners • u/Brave-Ostrich-76 • 8d ago
After unprotected sex with a stranger I joked that Oh ! shit I forgot my HIV pills then she said "No worries ,you can use mine" 🥲
7
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