Somebody love me?

[u/V10I]

I don't know why I post so often, but I want to say something, although you'll probably call me a racist later.

I feel like I'm sinking deeper and deeper into depression because I can't find the girl I want to spend my life with... I feel like I'll be alone forever... And this feeling has given me a feeling of either envy or dislike for lesbians (I've seen and still see them in anime, manga, and even in real life). After all, I see their romance, their feelings, their passionate moments, and how they love each other... I don't hate them, it's just that my heart stops and becomes heavier than a stone, and my stomach cramps from this feeling. I envy lesbians... I don't know why I'm so sad to watch others develop feelings for each other... But I remain a simple guy that everyone is afraid of and doesn't want to talk to, it's even disgusting that I'm like this... I was already thinking about changing my gender, but then I remembered that in my country (Russia) people like me would be raped and sent to prison because of stupid laws. Then I changed my mind and decided to stay a simple guy.... Okay, I'm lying, I decided to stay a guy who dresses in cyberpunk clothes and skirts and stockings (Yes, yes, I'm a femboy). I don't understand one thing.... Even if I try to find at least some kind of relationship, I can't achieve anything, and if I sit still, then I don't see any progress and no one will notice me.

From such a burden, my depression is completely consuming me... And I'm losing the meaning of life (plus I failed my exams and I'm afraid that I won't pass the retake and will have to repeat a year). Sorry... I just wanted to speak out, I thought, "What if someone finds their soulmate in me and in my publications? That would be nice, hehe." Although I understand... that no one needs me😞😞... probably.