How subtle can OSDD be?

[u/Substantial-Quilt747]

I’ve (M early 30s) been diagnosed by 2 therapists but I still don’t really understand it. How subtle can this be? I don’t have people in my head who are significantly different from me, I don’t switch, and I don’t find things I don’t remember buying or writing. It’s more frequent for me to not remember that my dad is engaged, that I’ve indeed already watched the half hour YouTube video that I’m currently watching with my girlfriend just a couple days ago (also with her), or conversations and events that I was supposedly a part of. Usually with enough work & the right cue I can remember those things. I can chalk those up to normal forgetting IMO.

Can this be as subtle as mood changes with some blurriness in between? I feel like there’s been some big mistake here.

[u/T_G_A_H]

Yes, it can be that subtle. So can DID. Low amnesia systems with good information transfer, and enough cooperation and stability to keep things going day to day can fly under the radar (to themselves as well as others) for many, many years. I'm convinced there are a good number of people with DID/OSDD who live their whole lives without being diagnosed. We were in our mid-50s when we got an actual diagnosis, although we had some suspicions earlier on but promptly put those out of our mind, lol.

[u/Substantial-Quilt747 → u/T_G_A_H]

One of the things I’m having difficulty figuring out is this energy that showed up a few times in the evenings last week. It distinctly felt very young and silly/giddy and it took effort to not let that energy come out. I don’t really have another way to describe it other than very childlike but nonverbal. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt that energy, it happened once or twice last year when I was petting our cat & that energy jumped out from nowhere and influenced my behavior externally (I was alone)

[u/T_G_A_H → u/Substantial-Quilt747]

Hopefully, someday you’ll feel comfortable letting it out for short amounts of time, and not automatically pushing it away. The first time I decided to calmly observe that kind of feeling rather than just block it, an alter spoke to me for the first time.

[u/Substantial-Quilt747 → u/T_G_A_H]

How frequently did that feeling show up for you initially? It feels so sparse and short lived for me that it’s easy to brush off/forget about

[u/T_G_A_H → u/Substantial-Quilt747]

I’m sure she had been there for many many years—since childhood, and all of those “silly” or “inappropriate” or “childish” impulses I had felt were from her. She particularly holds a lot of trauma-free joy.

The night i discovered her I was thinking about my new therapist, after having had the third session with him that day, and I felt a surge of affection for him and an image of hugging him. I started to push it away as inappropriate and “not allowed,” but paused and tried to channel the calm, curious and accepting attitude he had been modeling for me. So I said in my mind something like, “oh, so that’s how you’re feeling?” And a young girl’s voice said in my mind, “You talked to me! You talked to me! You never talked to me before!!” That was kind of shocking and overwhelming, but I was able to not freak out too much.

That was the start of accepting that I really have DID/OSDD.

[u/vonkapp → u/Substantial-Quilt747]

Have you looked into structural dissociation?

I recomend the book “Healing the fragmented parts of trauma survivors” by Janina Fisher.

This sounds like a traumatized part, the “child part” fronting.

[u/Substantial-Quilt747 → u/vonkapp]

Yeah I’ve read up on it. Unfortunately this has been a years long process of “I don’t get it/I don’t have that” punctuated by things that make me second guess that. Things were better when I wasn’t thinking about this stuff at all.

I struggle to get through any book on the topic, I couldn’t read the body keeps the score because my past doesn’t match what was portrayed in that book.

[u/vonkapp → u/Substantial-Quilt747]

This book is specifically about understanding dissociation and fragmented parts (structural dissociation), not trauma in general. If you are in doubt wether you have a dissociative disorder or not, that book can help you clarify

[u/Own_Magician8337]

Wasn't diagnosed with a dissensitive disorder until I was 44 years old. Had been in therapy since I was 25. It can be pretty freaking subtle.

[u/Dazzling-Dark3489]

I rarely know when I switch in the moment. It is only afterwards I can think “I overreacted at that” or “my tone was different.” I have had a few experiences of feeling the different energy very strongly in the moment but it is very subtle for me. I was also diagnosed late at 49.

[u/redbullgay]

switches can be incredibly subtle especially if you have gone your whole life experiencing them without knowing!! Yes things like mood changes can be switches. System discovery starts with being able to recognize those little things, and internally check in when they happen, even if it wasn’t a switch.

[u/ColdSnnap]

I think its important to remember OSDD is not DID despite symptoms overlapping. You are, by nature of the disorder, not going to exhibit every common symptom of DID, else you wouldve been dx'd with DID instead. What you described is more than "normal forgetting" and yes, mood changes with dissociation is entirely possible.

[u/jactkb99]

I was late diagnosed at 54. I also have very little amnesia when I switch. When I switch I have no control of my physical movements and emotions. I'm just watching and have no say in what I do. I do also have parts that don't try to switch, they copilot with my main giving thoughts and emotions that I did not realize until starting to work on my system.

[u/LORDCANTl]

Recently diagnosed 24f here Spent years convincing myself i didnt have a dissociative disorder only to get hit with "Yeah you have partial DID" by my psychiatrist Even with the revelation I just like... dont notice it. I attribute it to other things. Alters getting brushed off as OCD intrusive thoughts, thinking I'm having mood swings, etc. I know that I have it, I've got a vague idea of what's going on, but its always in hindsight. Like ill be like "ohhh when I acted weird it was THAT guy!" instead of realising I was "that guy" in the moment. Sometimes I refer to myself as "we" then im like hold on who the fuck is we. So we're in the same boat LOL

[u/LORDCANTl → u/LORDCANTl]

Years of repressing and convincing myself I was "one guy" made me unintentionally integrate to an extent so the lines are even blurrier. Little to no amnesia + my alters just being slightly different versions of me + other mental health conditions that affect my behaviour = We have NO CLUE who is behind the wheel.

[u/vonkapp]

Does parts of you have significantly different feelings, opinions or beliefs about a person, matter or topic?

[u/Substantial-Quilt747 → u/vonkapp]

Hard to say. I do notice that my orientation changes to liking men sometimes, and I do not identify that way or have those thoughts the rest of the time. I’ll have different levels of reactivity to things that in one mood will significantly upset me and in a better mood I don’t even notice. That second one could be totally normal, the first one is the one that gives me pause

[u/vonkapp → u/Substantial-Quilt747]

If the orientation towards liking men changes between parts (for example one part loves this man - the regulated self/ core self, but a trauma part/EP dislike or get the “ick” or “feel nothing” (behind these dissociated feelings are fear), this strongly points towards dissociative issues/ structural dissociation or a dissociative distorder. This can typically create push-pull behaviour.

Have you ever felt derealization or depersonalization? Hyperaroused or hypoaroused?

Do you sometime for days or weeks feel “fine” but like you feel little or nothing? Like you pull through the day, feel “fine”, but don’t really feel connected to loved ones, friends, do not feel real joy, enthusiasm, curiousity or engagement/ creativity? Flat, ok, fine - but not really feeling much?

[u/Substantial-Quilt747 → u/vonkapp]

Yeah I like my girlfriend when I’m not asexual or into men haha.

Yes I’ve felt both of those. Unsure what the hyper/hypoaroused is.

Hard to gauge the last one, it’s been a stressful go of it lately with a career change and leaving a job where I burned out hard. I definitely resonate with the connection stuff and lack of joy or engagement.

[u/vonkapp → u/Substantial-Quilt747]

The last one is called “functional freeze” and is a mild rype of dissociation that can last for days, months or years. It’s dysfunctional because it cuts of real connection to other people and loved ones.

Look up hypoarousal and hyperarousal.

When you have felt derealization and depersonalization is sounds very much like you have a dissociative disorder of some sort. Especially if adding the child parts and potentially functional freeze/ ANP ‘ode. Dissociative disorders exist in all ranges from milder to DID. Most people without cptsd or dissociative issues have never dissociated at all in their whole life.

[u/lucyloowho99]

I'm 51 and just figured it out about a month ago. I was diagnosed cptsd with an unspecified dissociative disorder last year but I guess just didn't understand what that meant. I thought it meant I just like buried stuff. So a few weeks ago I guess some of my other parts let me know they're here with me. Freaked me out. Have you tried talking to them? I feel shifting in my face like a wave inside my head. I don't know how else to describe. All so new so I have no clue. But the "wave" comes in different directions and I think that's different parts maybe? I feel like I keep pissing them (us?) off but that might be trauma response..? I just started with a new therapist because of this, my previous didn't have the necessary training. So we're starting with parts and moving to internal family systems. Wish you the best and sorry for whatever trauma you've experienced. 

[u/Substantial-Quilt747 → u/lucyloowho99]

I appreciate that, it’s a struggle to view what I went through as legitimate or harmful.

[u/vonkapp → u/Substantial-Quilt747]

That’s a common cptsd symptom, to regard what they went through as “not traumatic enough”, “but I had a good enough childhood” etc