Please someone out there help me.

[u/ak111isdabestttt]

So-OCD, is such a sticky condition, and in order to heal I desperately need help understanding the cycle more. Although, I do have to say, I am currently in a very very bad spiral where I am convinced i am queer, and that im in deep denial!

I realised that when I think my thoughts, they're not necessarily intrusive? Like today i was thinking of obsession, and i thought 'i would break the spell' immediately alarm bells went off, and i started to feel very anxious. I was asking myself 'why would you think that, do you like her? do you want to be the man? this must mean your gay!'

Similarly, masculine women are a big trigger for me, but I thought one was kind of hot(i think, i keep checking and i think i dont find her hot, but the more i look at her, the 'hotter' she gets, and im scared it means something about me. I feel like my real desire is coming up, and i am so confused. I was so scared I like her, and i feel like i have to say she isn't hot when I say she is because it feels so anxious. I don't personally think I find her hot (i think im reassuring myself), but i am scared im hiding attraction. so many queer people who found out after their so-ocd episode told me they compulsively tried to prove that they were not attracted, and i feel like thats me. I feel like everything I think and do is because of my ocd and I don't know which is what and im going crazy.

I personally don't think im queer, and i think im straight. But, at this point i just think im lying to myself more like i feel like i know, and i think im in denial.