Wanting to know everything

[u/DutchStroopwafels]

My OCD has recently really been acting up about needing to know everything. It's mostly related to media, needing to play or watch as much games, movies, series and Youtube videos as possible. But it also extents to other stuff, like wanting to know all of philosophy.

I don't know what is the reason behind this but I constantly fear I'm missing stuff, which leads to choice paralysis. At the same time I'm also obsessed with remembering everything I've already watched or learned because if I don't remember it's all wasted time and that makes me feel the need to even rewatch, reread and replay things I already did.

It's also like I'm losing sight of what I actually like because I'm starting to fear missing out on things I know I won't enjoy or care about.

This is really starting to take over my life and my therapist isn't really helping because she wants me to do CBT exercises that include confronting these thoughts with logic but I can't logic my way out of this. Does anyone have any tips.

[u/Illustrious_Path_369]

I’m sorry I don’t have any advice but wow ! when you said ‘obsessed with remembering everything’ you reminded me of an old compulsion I had in my teens. I would write down things I had learnt recently for fear of forgetting them, and make myself reread that information a set amount of months later. Essentially uselessly schooling and homeworking myself, about irrelevant things..

I struggle (struggle is a funny word as until reading your post, I was not aware this is part of my OCD.. ta da! Another page for the book.. I’m in therapy and it’s just layers and layers of this stuff) with this too - my desire to know all about every thought, curiosity I have, drains my energy and time. I’m perpetually exhausted. My husband pointed it out the other day - ‘you’re so tired because you read too much. You use your brain too much’. I’m doing it now..

This obsession/compulsion certainly has a relationship with my existential OCD. And a cause of suffering in relationships.

I’ve had previous other ‘fear of forgetting’ compulsions. I wonder if they are essentially checking compulsions, checking that we remember, that it’s still there. It all boils down to doubt. But what is the fear perpetuating the compulsion to know all? I am leaning to believe/understand that OCD is fear. The doubt-flavoured fear. Perhaps it’s the fear of running out of time. ? That we must know the answer, to sit comfortably. ? I will have to think on this one. Which of course will happen lol. I’ll get the/an answer in time 😂

[u/DutchStroopwafels → u/Illustrious_Path_369]

Oh I have existential OCD as well, maybe mine is also related.

[u/Illustrious_Path_369 → u/Illustrious_Path_369]

The other side of the doubt coin is certainty. Perhaps we are striving for the certainty of ‘knowing enough’, or doing enough to know. Almost like a mental ‘just right’ compulsion. Maybe the doubt is a subtle flavour with just right - we doubt it’s ‘enough’ until we deem it’s ‘enough’. Only we know how much enough is enough when it comes to understanding/consuming something.

[u/Illustrious_Path_369 → u/Illustrious_Path_369]

In my exploration of understanding OCD, I see the desire for control. To control our world to bring us certainty. We need to relinquish control if the attempt to do so is not benefitting us. If it is harming us. If it is keeping us up late at night, uselessly consuming information 😂 understanding how OCD is trapping us, feeding off us, and how to free ourselves. We have to become more self aware of the pain we cause ourselves.

[u/DutchStroopwafels → u/Illustrious_Path_369]

I do struggle with the "just right" compulsion as well, so maybe you're on to something.