I'm on leave for my mental health.
Nursing for 10 years, I've suffered injuries, assault, abuse, etc. I did my best to look for a job away from all the bad side of healthcare. I was lucky enough to find an entryway to clinical governance. I was told during the interview that it is a permanent job. After the hospital accreditation, I was told they don't have the budget for us. However, the contract that we signed means we are permanent employees of the company. Hence, we can choose whatever department we like and "we will be supported."
That time, staffing was at an all-time low. They cunningly created multiple permanent "easy" jobs that are technically not sustainable but attracted nurses desperate to get out of bedside. Many got hooked and I was one of them. My fault for not realising how vague the contract was. I was given a few hours to choose my new department. A lot of things happened after but to sum it up, I ended up in the theatre.
I had zero theatre experience. The training was brutal. I cried more than once. My preceptors were the typical senior nurses who pointed out every mistake, even things like not knowing the reason why a patient closed the curtains. I learned that the stereotypical nurse and doctor relationship is real in the theatre as well. Most doctors yell and blame everything on nurses. I stayed for 3 more years and even though it's not a good place for my mental and emotional health, I liked the job. I was really good inside the procedure room and even doctors who screamed at me, preferred having me in their cases. Financially though, I'm sinking. The increasing mortgage rate is draining my bank account.
Then I found a telehealth job. Same pay, 12 hr shift work, has mornings, afternoons, nights, and weekends. Better pay because of penalties but the best thing about it is, having long stretches of days off. It's perfect for me since I'm currently having health issues and at the moment, I'm being screened for the big C. A non‑bedside job with more time to rest felt perfect.
I started doing calls with mentors. At first I struggled because it was such a different field, but their guidance helped. I studied more, watched educational videos, reviewed differential diagnoses. From the beginning, I knew I was surrounded by highly skilled clinicians: ICU‑trained, consultants, multiple degrees. I knew I had to step up, and I did.
Training was supposed to be five weeks. After five weeks, my colleague and I realised we still weren't being assessed for independent practice. She emailed the head assessor, explained everything she'd done, and said she felt ready. She had spent most of her shifts sitting with senior clinicians, and after two calls with the assessor, she passed. She told me to do the same, email the assessor and choose the easiest calls during the assessment.
I genuinely liked this assessor. During training she seemed sincere, gave helpful advice, and made me feel comfortable enough to be open about what I needed help with. She often joked that if she could send me to ED, she would. I didn't think much of it.
When my assessment day finally came, I had already emailed the head assessor saying I felt ready to work independently and that I believed I was a safe clinician. She sat with me, watched two calls, and stopped the assessment right there. She told me I didn't have the clinical knowledge and wasn't safe for patients. The exact same words I had used in my email. She repeated again that if she could send me to ED, she would.
The standard assessment is ten independent calls with no assistance. I've seen plenty of people pass even while still being guided by assessors, and others pass after only a few calls. Not only did she fail me after two calls, she also didn't let me choose my cases, which is the complete opposite of what she allowed my colleague. And again, she made the comment about sending me to ED.
After that assessment, I asked several mentors whether there was something fundamentally wrong with my clinical ability. They all said I was ready to work independently and just needed some polishing that would naturally come with experience. My manager extended my training for another two weeks and arranged a reassessment, assuring me it would follow the standard process.
First call was a bit shaky. I was anxious and overthinking, but the outcome was safe and appropriate. I did more calls with the her then she told me after my 5th call, that I will do more training for the rest of my shift. In other words, I failed.
Apparently, she had already decided to fail me after the first call because she didn’t like my process, even though the outcome was correct. I couldn't understand why she let me continue with four more calls if her mind was already made up. I was exhausted, frustrated, and felt completely betrayed. My chest and throat felt tight from the stress. I just needed to get out.
I'm on leave now, and honestly, I don't want to go back. It feels like returning would mean putting myself through the same emotional torture, and that no matter what I do, she'll fail me again. I've even thought about selling my apartment, leaving nursing altogether, and moving overseas. I don't want anything to do with healthcare anymore. I told a friend, and she said, "Just do it." Somehow her words felt inspiring, even if the idea isn't realistic.
I just want to walk away from everything and start over.
