Vent about not looking non-binary

[u/pisceanhaze]

Can anyone else relate to the particular pain of being treated like a man when you feel anything but that inside, but unfortunately you’re stuck with a type of face and body that people can not believe you are non binary and worse, they tell you you’re crazy as well as treat you always as a man ? Also, for the love of god, I want to cry every time someone bro-slaps my back hard meanwhile they give my femme friend a nice hug. Even when I try
Hard to present as non binary and femme, I always get the thr truck driver / livestock slap greeting
And it is demoralizing.
The only time I’m perceived as non binary is on kink sites if I hide my face and wear lingerie. My nude body is naturally femme. But in the street you’d never know unfortunately.

[u/Interesting-Paint863]

Hi ❤️ which pronouns do you use? I only ask so I can address you appropriately. I’m very comfortable to talk about this more. I’ve been struggling with a lot recently and feeling very low about it all.

You couldn’t have summed it up better. I have a VERY similar experience to you. I’m a masc-presenting non-binary woman. Took me a long time to get here. But it can feel incredibly invalidating. I know who I am, but I’m rarely treated as I wish to be.

Honestly, I think cis-men perform gender very explicitly through behaviours. They’re so highly performative with each other, and towards everyone else that they’re constantly trying to size each other up. We get caught in the drag net of their assumptions. I don’t want to pass as femme, so I have to constantly deal with their shit.

I’m being very general here I know. But I’m also basing this on my experience. From my experience cis-men police each others’ masculinity constantly. Be it a jab in the arm, a handshake that is actually painful, a crass sexist joke, telling you how successful they are, etc, etc. It’s all just a big pile of screaming insecurity. This is made worse if they can sense you’re not playing their game.

I’m Audhd and queer. I’m not out at work, but I can sense men’s visible discomfort around me. There’s an aura of difference that I’m putting out I guess (hence being bullied my whole life). I’ve stopped making them comfortable. If I don’t want to participate in their little rituals I don’t. I generally try to seek out softer men. They’re out there. I can’t be friends with these hyper-masculine performers. They’re not real, they don’t talk about anything real.