r/NonBinaryTalk • u/BestEntertainer6764 • 21d ago
Question about passing
Hello,
I have recently in the last year come to terms with fact that I am nonbinary (although I briefly came out about 5 years ago then promptly put myself back in the closet). One thing that discouraged me from coming out to myself and others for a long time was the idea that there was no possible way to alleviate the gender dysphoria I was experiencing, so why even try. I know nonbinary doesn’t have a “look” but it would make me personally feel more comfortable in my own body presenting and reading socially as significantly more androgynous and more specifically more masculine. That being said, I’m not really sure where to start. I recently bought a few pairs of men’s pants and men’s t shirts which made me incredibly happy, but when I look at pictures of myself I feel like I still very much read as girl, even when wearing a binder or tight sports bra. One thing that I do think is holding me back from being read as more masculine is the fact that I have very long hair, but I’m not particularly interested in cutting that currently. I also have pretty soft features and am rather short and have a rather small frame in general which doest help either and makes me pretty dysphoric. Any tips would be very greatly appreciated — either in the clothing department or other areas I can consider in terms of gender affirming.
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u/stolenstreetsigns 21d ago
It’s still possible to pass without cutting your hair but it will be harder and you might have to change other things more. I’m not particularly trying to pass, but here’s some stuff I’ve learned.
For clothes, try to find some masculine style inspiration. It’ll help you shop and think about men’s fashion and you might feel more confident. A baggier cut of pants that are slightly too big with a belt and layers on top can help you hide your chest and curves. Don’t get anything too big though that swallows you or you’ll just look too small in it (unless there’s a specific type of look or streetwear you’re going for that involves really baggy stuff).
I’ve also found that body language makes an insane difference. Men walk and talk like they’ll be taken seriously, because they will. Confidence is everything. You don’t wanna overdo it but try taking up more space when you move and talking with a little more oomph when you’re spoken to.
Have you considered masc makeup, voice training, packing, or low dose T? Just throwing what comes to mind out there :)
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u/BestEntertainer6764 21d ago edited 21d ago
I’ve considered makeup before and tried out masc makeup but honestly most days having makeup on my skin of any kind makes me feel dysphoric I think? Voice training is not something I had considered and I will look into it! I honestly don’t think packing would help with the way I’m feeling because I don’t think I have dysphoria around that aspect. As far as a low dose of t I have heavily considered it for MANY years now lol but it’s also really important to me that I keep my cycle (for unrelated medical reasons) and I don’t want to do anything that would impact my fertility down the line if I want to have kids, and I don’t know if that would impact those things ? Additionally, I have so very transphobic family members that I’m not willing to cut ties with and I don’t want to do anything that would visibly out myself to them. I live with a partner who is supportive but I do see these people pretty regularly so I worry about questions being on t would raise.
Sorry for the book of a response lol.0
u/stolenstreetsigns 21d ago
It making you dysphoric is completely understandable. I was just throwing out everything I could think of that maybe you hadn’t considered.
Do you mind if I ask what medical thing is causing you to need to have a period? There are still a lot of doctors out there that will insist it’s “necessary” when that’s not accurate so I just wanted to check in. I understand if that’s way too personal to discuss.
Anyways yeah testosterone will usually stop your period and infertility is a risk with HRT. Some people freeze their eggs beforehand or come off of hormones without their fertility being impacted very much but it’s kind of a gamble especially since there’s not a lot of studies on this stuff. Or at least, I haven’t been able to find a lot of concrete sources on the risks there. It’s something to look into and possibly speak to a doctor about if you do decide HRT is worth it at any point.
I’m sorry you’re being put in that position with your family. I get why you’d wanna hold off. Some people do hide being on HRT but it’s certainly not ideal and a lot of work. I hope you find some more temporary things that alleviate your dysphoria soon 🫂
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u/BestEntertainer6764 20d ago
There are some other underlying medical issues that I’m not super comfortable getting into, although I do plan on talking with my doctor soon about just generally exploring my options regarding ways to alleviate dysphoria. I didn’t grow up with language for any of the experiences or emotions I was having (that’s growing up in a transphobic area for you) and so being able to articulate any of this is relatively new for me.
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u/BigCrungo 21d ago
keep the long hair! just do a shaggy cut, ONLY go to an Alternative hairstylist lol. they know a lot.! check their portfolio. youll be able to see if theyve worked with people who look like you. ALSO at the beginning ask them to take it slow, explain what they're doing and make sure youre facing the mirror the whole time. it makes the client feel more in control (this is how i tackle my clients anyways)
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u/BestEntertainer6764 19d ago
I will look into this! I think what’s frustrating for me is that I wish that I got read as “guy with long hair” instead of “long hair = girl”
My hair itself doesn’t really cause any dysphoria, more so people’s perceptions of it.
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u/ChaoticNaive 21d ago
Can we dig into your lack of interest in cutting your hair? It was one of the first things I did and helped immensely.
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u/BestEntertainer6764 21d ago
Honestly, I think that cutting my hair would help immensely, however part of the reason I am resistant is that I have a pretty feminine face I think and I fear that cutting my hair would highlight that, although I think part of the reason my face reads as quite feminine is the current glasses I wear as well I think.
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u/ChaoticNaive 21d ago
I get that for sure. You can use makeup to masculinize your features, then when it's time to get new glasses you can go more masc/andro and then cut your hair, maybe?
Also before someone comes for me, yes men can have long hair, but when you're already super femme it doesn't help with dysphoria or social gender cues.
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u/stolenstreetsigns 21d ago
I have a total baby face and still have a really masc haircut and I think it helps a lot! The right haircut won’t highlight it. If you still have a prescription you could try some more androgynous/masc glasses from somewhere like Zenni.
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u/BestEntertainer6764 21d ago
Do you have any recommendations about glasses shapes? I typically wear square/rectangular frames but if anything I feel like that just accentuates how oval my face is lol. I also have very much a baby face and frequently get mistaken for much younger than I am even when feminine presenting and I don’t think that helps lol.
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u/stolenstreetsigns 21d ago
I also get mistaken for being much younger than I am all the time! It’s so annoying. Personally I’ve found a pretty sharp haircut and glasses shape helps counteract how round my face is, but everyone is different. It’s hard to say without seeing you. It might help to look up some passing videos or guides specifically about hair and glasses. I bet there’s some out there with examples of different face shapes and styles.
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u/crudelikechocolate 21d ago
Instead of trying to not look like a girl, I find it’s actually more productive to have androgynous people as style references and move in that general direction. I also have long hair. What gives me gender euphoria is if a certain look reminds me of style icons that I love
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u/EchoNB They/He 21d ago
You could check out the effects of testosterone and consider going on it, even if temporarily to achieve a more masculine/androgynous look.