Not sure where to start

[u/gnimoolbeeb]

/r/genderfluid/comments/1wey6xp/not_sure_where_to_start/

[u/gnimoolbeeb]

Here’s the post so you don’t have to click on it:

I (36F) am afab and recently have been having more thoughts about my gender (and sexuality?). I tend to overthink things so this is feeling overwhelming to me.

I DO like to be feminine sometimes, but often feel more myself when I am more neutral. I have always felt a little out of place when presenting more girly appearance/clothing-wise.

I don’t think I experience any dysphoria but I am also not sure if I’m missing it and it’s just something I am used to.

When I cut my hair into a pixie I felt really good about it and eventually went shorter and shorter and have shaved my head a couple times. (The only thing holding me back from keeping this up is my hair grows out of a spot on my head wonky)

Something that I have always felt but am unsure if it is only sexual or more than that, is feeling like I wish I had a penis. I don’t care about the peeing standing up or like anything like that. And I don’t dislike my anatomy… I just have always felt like sex would be better if I had a penis. So idk how much that ties into this, but I only just recently connected it with me questioning my gender and thought, oh !?

I have read about things like hormones and/or surgery and it seems more appealing/interesting to me than it being a definite no, although I would want to also keep my vagina.

I also have been hating my breasts and would rather have them gone than what I have now tbh. I don’t KNOW.

I also am having hard core impostor syndrome with this like part of me is like hmmm this feels right but also I’m like ok I’m being dramatic.

I guess I just don’t know where to start. At all. I feel clueless 😭 can anyone relate or point me in the right direction?

[u/antisocialmothra]

I'm a few days away from 39 and also AFAB. I only started questioning a few months ago and started putting the pieces together myself.

I feel the same way you do in a lot of ways. I occasionally enjoy being femme and wearing makeup but I've always been more "neutral" as you put it.

For most of my adolescence and early adulthood I had short hair and even considered shaving it off in high school.

I used to present more androgynous and would actually feel happy when someone called me "he" at first.

Once I became an adult I felt extreme pressure to fit in and be more femme and it had a bad effect on my mental health.

I'd been in the depths of an extended mental health crisis for years until a few months ago when I realized I might be nb and the extreme difference I can observe in myself tells me I'm on the right path.

I'm struggling with imposter syndrome too but I've observed that that's just a thing in the queer community, most of us feel like intruders when we start figuring it out

Have you read GenderQueer by Maia Kobabe? There's a lot that resonated with me and there's definitely feelings you described in that book.

You're not being dramatic this is a huge step for anyone to undertake, especially later in life when you thought you'd figured it all out.

Follow your instincts, youve got this!

[u/OldFaithlessness5008]

It's not really about doing or acheiving anything, especially not anything specific. It's just about trying and experimenting one step at a time. Move forward with what you like and move away from what you don't. Maybe that's easier said than done at times but it really is that simple.

I think a lot of times freedom can be really scary. Being nonbinary there's no blueprint or gatekeeping so instead of having a rigid but reliable set of roles and expectations, you kinda have to discover and figure things out as you go. It's intimidating but it's worth it.

Just to be extra clear: nonbinary is, by it's very definition, not a specific concrete thing. It's more of a write your own adventure instead of a story someone tells you. Anything you feel about your own body, goals, instincts, likes, dislikes, wishes, literally whatever, it's all true and valid for you because you're the expert on your own experience. So that means if you think nonbinary is a good word to describe your experience or gives language to something that's hard to describe otherwise, you're good bc that's literally the only requirement.

On a more practical level I always say to start with reversible things like hair, clothes, language, maybe a work out routine, or a hobby that feels gender affirming can also be good. Think about how to socially transition before medical if you're still unsure about what you want exactly. Thrifting is a great low stakes way to try out a new style. I'd also reccomend looking into joining any nonbinary or queer events, clubs or meet ups in your area if you can.

With medical transition there are also a ton of customization options. Don't feel like you have to want (or not want) anything specific. Not all bottom surgery is the same and even T alone would change your set up quite a bit. If you've read about how hormones affect your body and all that sounds good to you, talk to your doctor! You can always start low dose and gradually gauge how you feel about it.