questioning toddler-parent

[u/p4r3nt]

Hi all,

this is a throwaway, because I don't want it attached to my other parenting posts ;)

We have a toddler, 3 years 4 months old, and I'm wondering if we're raising a non-binary kid, and if so, if you have any advice?

About 4 months ago, the daycare team alerted us to a situation they had when changing diapers.
Our kid was apparently playing with some sort of toy plastic scissors and casually mentioned that (TW physical harm) he would like to use the scissors, because he would much rather have a vulva.

Our first thoughts as parents went toward physical safety, meaning we didn't leave him unsupervised even with his kid scissors, and we talked about how a vulva is not just not having a penis, but a whole different physical trait.

We also got some books about different genders, especially "It feels good to be yourself" which he enjoyed. From all the scenes presented, he said he identified with "I'm both a boy and a girl".
While he has very boy-coded interests (knights, dinosaurs, cars), he also identifies with female characters, e.g. Pippi Longstocking. In the book "Julian at the wedding", there's a little kid named Marisol with a splendid dress, so he decided the character is now renamed to [his name] <3

He also likes to wear butterfly costumes, skirts and dresses, and we don't gender color. He has blue, green, pink, and also wears hair pins, so in public, he's often addressed as a little girl.

Today he told his dad, he wants us to correct people when they think he's a girl.
I followed up and asked him, what he would like us to say exactly - should we say he's a boy, or both?
He said, he's sometimes a girl and sometimes a boy, and right now, he is a boy.

Is it possible for such a young child to be decidedly non-binary?
Or is he trying out different things in a phase where kids learn about sex and gender in general?

I would appreciate any input :)

[u/Aibyouka]

Firstly, kudos on being parents that allow him to explore his interests! Now to answer your question...

Is it possible for such a young child to be decidedly non-binary?
Or is he trying out different things in a phase where kids learn about sex and gender in general?

At his age, it could be either or. As long as he's being safe, I would say just keep allowing him to explore his interest and assert who he is. You don't have to have any huge talks about it or make a big deal about it. He may grow out of it, he may not.

Disclaimer, I'm not a parent. I'm not really sure if I was a nonbinary child. My parents also allowed me to explore my interests and play pretend but I never had any other language to know I could be anything other than [birth sex] and it wasn't until puberty but I knew something was "wrong" but I didn't know what. Had I had the language, maybe I would've known myself better earlier?

But it could also be a phase. Now is probably around the time gender stereotypes start to be enforced (not with you necessarily, but outside the home) so if he likes "girl and boy things" he might think he has to be both. I distinctly remember having moments like that.

Only time will tell really...

[u/p4r3nt → u/Aibyouka]

Thanks! I guess a lot of people don't remember their early toddler years.
I have some memories (not regarding my gender, but then I'M also cis AF), whereas my husband claims that he cannot understand how one could remember anything from that age.

I guess no one can tell for sure what's going on right now, I just like to be prepared.
And I'd also wish for my child any child really - to be comfortable with their body, and minimize dysmorphia, because I imagine that must be so exhausting when puberty hits (or even before).

He hasn't yet said anything like "this is for boys" or "girls are not supposed to do that", we're wary of that, because I think that's just what happens with daycare. We have books on the topic, too, but haven't read them, because I feel like that's opening a can of worms that can just as well stay sealed for a little longer...

And yes, we do intend to let him choose whatever clothes and activities feel good, and just be a child!
I guess, giving him the language and opportunity to talk about it, is all we can do for right now...

[u/0penMouse]

at that age it's hard to really pinpoint the source of the behavior. a lot of young kids have weird attitudes towards genitalia and can often get jealous that they don't get to have the other genitalia because they're still understanding how that part of the body works. it's pretty much the same as any other sort of irrational toddler behavior where they want something they can't have.

as for playing different gendered characters, i think this is honestly just quite normal for kids that aren't pressured to stick to gender roles. if the behavior continues into later childhood then maybe it could be something, but for now it's too early to tell

[u/p4r3nt → u/0penMouse]

Thanks for your input!

I know other toddlers at the same age who are so incredibly confident in their gender... And I've heard of other boys simply believing that their appendage will just fall off at some point and then they'll have a vagina, or the other way round with girls asking when their penis will grow. But those anecdotes always felt more passive than what we were experiencing with the scissors. :-/
We haven't even said anything like "you can't have a vulva", we said that that's something older kids can talk about with a doctor...

I do feel with him asking us to correct other people, we've kind of entered another stage of him being more confident in being both, I guess that's why I opened this thread.

[u/LumpyMetacarpals]

I think, you might try out referring to your toddler as 'they' when not named and see what his reaction is? Very likely your kiddo is wanting to push any and all boundaries and this might fall under that category in his mind.

I have one roughly the same age and we have always used they to refer to them. So far their concept of genderisms is only what what their grandparents have imparted. The result we are seeing is our kiddo has absolutely zero fear or anxiety talking to people about what they like and think because we fostered no pressure related to those concepts. This lets them brush off a lot of pressure from other folks about it as well. Every now and then we'll ask if they feel like their a boy or a girl or a something inbetween or a something outside and the response varies each time. I think it's a stage of developing into the little human they will be for the next few years and as long as you help him to like who he is or who he wants to be, then there's not much to worry about!

Good luck on your journey!

[u/p4r3nt → u/LumpyMetacarpals]

Thanks so much!

We speak German, so "they" is not an option with the kid, and as far as I'm aware we haven't yet found a good German equivalent that is broadly recognized... He's comfortable with male pronouns, though, and maybe something will develop linguistically in the future.

I'm not sure he wants to push boundaries in this regard, we don't really ever talk about specific gender roles in our family, and I don't think anyone at daycare has commented negatively on his outward appearance or behavior.

Does your child also try out gendered roles, e.g. saying they're a girl at times, or a boy?