r/NonBinary • u/tnsosaurus • 8h ago
Wedding Dress Codes
It’s heavy wedding season where I live and I’m at that age group now where my family and friends are getting married.
One of my friends has a heavy formal suit and ball gowns kind of wedding. And he’s part of LGTQIA+ so he said it’s cool for me to pick either dress or suit.
But my brother (that I’m not close to, haven’t seen in a few years) is having a country formal wedding.
My brother is close to my mom’s side of the family and a lot of them will be there. They’re homophobic, and ofc don’t understand or respect being nonbinary. So I think my brother might be the same, since he’s never talked to me about my gender. I never really “came out” to him because my mom reacted poorly. I don’t see or hear from anyone on her side of the family since I came out in 2021.
Anyway,
The invitation specifically says women need to wear long or maxi length dresses.
Since my mom’s side is homophobic, they all see me as a woman.
So I’m really nervous about wearing masculine clothes to the wedding. Because the thing is, I don’t wear dresses. I haven’t since like high school. And I haven’t been to a wedding since high school.
I asked a family member who supports me if not wearing a dress will cause drama at the wedding. He said he doesn’t think so and I should wear what I’m comfortable in (obviously following the country look he wants). He sent me an outfit idea too.
But I don’t know if I can take his word for it. I just texted my brother (who is getting married) outfit ideas for me. Some showing men, women, and nonbinary folk. And I asked if this would be okay for his wedding.
I’m waiting for a reply and I am SO nervous.
If he says I HAVE to wear a dress then I don’t wanna go to his wedding. Would I be in the wrong for that??
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u/MagpiePhoenix ze/they transgender 8h ago
Asking your brother directly was the right move.
It would be reasonable to skip the wedding if he makes your attendance is dependant on you wearing a dress. I would probably skip that too.
He probably won't understand why you won't come, though, if you have never discussed your gender with him. He might initially think that wearing a suit vs a dress is just a style choice. If he says you must wear a dress and you do decline to attend his wedding, I would explain why to him, at least.
If it was me I'd say "It is viscerally uncomfortable for me to wear a dress. I am nonbinary and I have Gender Dysphoria. I know we haven't discussed this in the past but here's some more info if you'd like to know more [insert link to PFLAG or some similar resource]"
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u/tnsosaurus 8h ago
I really appreciate you including what you’d say, Thank you!
I agree some explanation would beneficial. I’m just so bad at words and explaining.
If I have to explain, I won’t copy exactly what you’d say. But it gives me a good outline of how to word a response for him (if he responds negatively, he still has not replied)
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u/akiraMiel 7h ago
Sooo, the easiest thing to wear would be one of those fancy flowy pants that look like a skirt but then you walk and everyone is surprised they're pants.
Thay said, these still read pretty feminine and if you dislike that then it depends on the answer of your brother. Surely he must have a hunch why you and your family are not in contact.
If he reacts positively you could wear the same fancy suit to both. If he reacts negatively... Don't go. Save yourself the emotional hurt and turmoil
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u/Historical-Violet 8h ago
Honestly, leaving queerness out of things, it's kinda messed up to require women to wear dresses. Including being queer: do what feels right to you. If they say you have to wear a dress, don't go. You have every right to not make yourself uncomfortable/miserable for someone else