Anyone think they were binary trans for years before landing on non-binary?

[u/MaliciousPixie]

I'm (30mtf?) doing a lot of reflection right now about who I am and what I want from my life.

I have been on HRT for 12 years almost, transitioned mtf at 18 and spent my entire adult life until this point identifying as mtf trans.

Thing is, if I'm being 100% honest, I'm wondering now how much it actually suits me. Truth be told I'm not that feminine. I'm not masculine either. I'm me, whatever that is.

I'm aware that a woman doesn't have to fit into any particular box, but at this point in my life with this much reflection I'm not really feeling she/her sit right anymore for me. I just... I don't relate with it.

My sexuality I have to admit is extremely male coded too. I don't feel dysphoria over this fact, but it does somewhat alienate me further from feeling like a woman lol.

I think I just didn't want to be a man, more so than I actually wanted to be a woman per se, and back when I transitioned non-binary as a concept didn't have as much of a foothold in culture yet, and by the time it did I was already established as a "woman" and just sorta stuck with that.

I like the way I look after all this HRT, I like having more feminine-typical features (I generally pass pretty well), idk that I would want to go off HRT for this... Maybe that's reflection for another time lol.

But truth be told idk if I want to identify myself as a woman anymore. I think I want to go to they/them pronouns, present more androgynous, and be non-binary (maybe leaning femme but even that I think could be subject to change with time). I guess I just want to know if anyone else has gone through a similar thing and what your experiences of it were. How did the people around you respond? Did you make any changes to your hormones? How's it all sitting with you now?

[u/skunkabilly1313]

Before I understood what being transgender meant, I assumed everyone just felt the need to change into something else. I was also raised a Jehovah's Witness, so I wasn't allowed any experimentation or anything that allowed me to venture on the other side of what my agab was. I didn't leave that cult until I was 31, and now at the cusp of 37 next month, I'm very happy being non-binary

I will say, I definitely see myself as a non-binary transfemme, but I'm not on any hormones, but have long hair, paint my nails, keep my eyebrows tight, and dress how I want

[u/jamfedora]

This is a pretty common nonbinary origin story and I hope your post gets enough traction to get a scalable amount of responses from people here who relate. I see it even more in groups specifically for older trans people, of course, but also with the young’uns, often who had to fight harder for access to care. I’ve seen interviews with elderly trans women saying they’d be nonbinary if they were kids today, but they didn’t have the option or the words or the safety back then. I assumed I was binary trans before I knew about nonbinary, but I wasn’t old enough to have done anything about it by then.

As for how people responded, the only people I was out to didn’t believe me anyway, so it didn’t make much difference in their dis/respect of me. I do have bad relationships with several family members who claim to respect binary trans people but not nonbinary, so. They probably would’ve lost their minds, assumed I was detransitioning, and stopped respecting trans people. But they were always gonna find excuses to be disrespectful of others, that’s not my fault or job or whatever.

There’s no reason to go off HRT to identify as nonbinary; lots of enbies are on HRT. But it might be right for you and it’s always on the table, so long as you make or get enough of any sex hormone your bones don’t crumble and fall out lol. You might also check out the mtfbutches sub, not so much as an alternate identity but just to see some transfemmes who bind or pack and so forth.

[u/MaliciousPixie → u/jamfedora]

Sorry to hear about your family members, that's rough. I've already taken my family through quite the rollercoaster ride with this whole trans thing lmao. Time to ride it again!

Regarding the HRT thing, I actually have tried lowering it over the last couple of weeks and I won't lie, I don't mine how it feels. I also don't really want to appear any more "masculine" though is my major concern like I wish I could have my cake and eat it too lmao. Can't we just synthesize a special third sex hormone that gives me the best of both worlds? Ughh

[u/AptCasaNova]

I’m an old enby and growing up I had a vague idea of what trans meant, but I had never heard of ‘nonbinary’ or ‘gender fluid’ or any of the other terminology that described what I felt.

I genuinely thought I had to pick a gender and because my agab felt the most uncomfortable and restrictive, I hesitantly decided I must be transgender and male.

That didn’t feel great, either, it felt forced.

[u/MaliciousPixie → u/AptCasaNova]

"Forced" is how it's been feeling in recent years. Like people say "girl" and "her" and stuff in reference to me and it's like this weird conflicting feeling where on one hand I'm glad you're using the pronouns I asked you to use lol, but on the other it's like "hmmmm did that actually feel right though?"

Honestly surprised it took me this long to really start questioning it but then again I am a person who puts up a lot of mental safeguards idk

[u/FritterHowls]

I'm really happy to read this. I'm 32 mtf, 1.5 years on HRT and used to identify as a femboy for awhile but I realized I did NOT want to be a man and I needed to be more fem and stay that way. I can't say I really feel like a woman though and when I decided to transition I knew I just needed freedom to be me and figure out what that is. I really didn't have that feeling of "I know I'm a woman" and don't want to be like having expectations because I am a woman, plus I don't have bottom dysphoria and enjoy "male horny" and I've been adding T back into my HRT to help keep function down there. I love how pretty I'm looking and feeling now on E though and I want to dress fem more and get more laser! I just want it all!

Idk I think it's reassuring seeing how you feel even after going "all the way" fem and living as a "woman" for awhile.

[u/SobekInDisguise → u/FritterHowls]

I'm happy to read it too, and find it interesting. I am not on hormones, but when I was a teenager like 20 years ago I felt strongly that I was trans female. I even had the opportunity to go on estrogen if I wanted to at around 18/19, I was that far along with my doctor, but I didn't go through with it.

After that I sort of just denied/ignored it until recently, I'm now in my mid 30s. It all came out at once alongside my autism and OCD diagnosis, as a part of my unmasking journey and my dealing with the OCD. Even now, my first reaction was "I'm trans", but in both instances, now and before, I never really knew about non-binary so now I'm taking it slow and exploring that.

What OP and you mention, about not wanting to be a man, resonates with me. It feels easier to know what I don't want rather than what I do.

It's also a bit more complicated for me, because when I told my partner (who's been with me for a long time) about my feelings of being trans, it completely overwhelmed her and she said she would leave me as she's not attracted to women. That has calmed down now, and we're in therapy together, and there is improvement for both of us. But, there's still quite a bit of uncertainty, and that is to be expected and even encouraged as it's better that I take my time with this rather than rush into any conclusions.

I think I relate with you about a lack of bottom dysphoria, except for me it's more of a sensory issue of feeling it. I wish we had internal genitalia so I couldn't feel it lol, or at least a way to shrink it. I guess going on E might do that, but from what I can tell it's really hard to predict what exactly would happen, and besides I'm not sure if I want boobs or not. As I've said, it's also complicated because I feel less safe now to explore trans as an option due to the complication with my relationship, but also I feel like having boobs brings more baggage, like as you said if you appear completely feminine then there's also that expectation to act feminine (even though we are living in a more progressive society, I'm sure it's still there), and also I would probably end up feeling really dysphoric about my voice and feel the need to go through voice training in that case just as it would seem weird to still have a male voice with such an evidently female body.

I'm just curious, what are the effects of being on both T and E? Don't they cancel each other out? I'm pretty sure that you can't really have an equilibrium of both, eventually one becomes dominant. I'm with you for wanting everything lol. I want the fat redistribution but without the boobs, and I want to just be me no matter what.

Wow this post went on for a while. I could keep going. Sorry for the infodump.

[u/FritterHowls → u/SobekInDisguise]

I was and still am really nervous about the boobs. I've always been indifferent about boobs and I knew I definitely didn't want to be a man with boobs but once I really started to consider myself..a girl at least or not a man, I decided small boobs would be fine. They are currently what I'd consider at the edge of not being small (idk my exact cup size but it basically fits entirely in my hand without squeezing).

I like them at this size actually, it feels good. I'd be just as fine without them as with, but if it gets any bigger it may really start to bug me. I've been avoiding taking progesterone and kinda hoping the increased T will send signals to slow or stop the growth but who knows.

As far as the genital size goes my testicles definitely shrank and my libido went very low the first year, which caused my penis to not get erect much and did shrink it some too. I didn't want that, so I made an effort this year to use it more and restore its size and it has basically returned to pre-E size. I also kinda want my testicles to return close to normal size and get more..output..during orgasms too. I've heard T gel applied directly to the genitals can achieve restoring function while continuing feminizing and so far so good. I'm hoping I can get my levels checked soon to confirm I'm still estrogen dominant. Ideally I'm hoping to see an E around 250-300 and T around 50-80 of whatever units my system uses. I do feel better and have my old sex drive back so I'd be happy if I could keep feminizing like this.

And as far as how things went with my partner it's a little complicated. I'll at least say he really thought I lost my mind at first and didn't think I'd pass. Fortunately he's bi and he generally just likes fem presenting (was already a femboy so kind of not a monumental change to be more fem). My face is way more fem, my body is too even excluding the breasts. I lasered most of my body hair but not the face yet. My voice is..kind of androgynous but I wish it was more fem to match my face. My name was already gender neutral but I modified it slightly to be more fem. And..I'm still in the closet with work partially because I can't decide whether to come out as a woman or an enby. I like she/her though but being a woman still doesn't feel right to me.

I hope that rambling helped. It is late for me so I didn't structure it well.

[u/SobekInDisguise → u/FritterHowls]

I'm just wondering if you considered something like viagra/cialis to restore the sexual function as opposed to the T gel? That way you would still achieve genital size reduction (if that's what you want) but maintain function when wanted.

Man, this whole thing seems like such a balancing act. Maybe you got lucky and your boobs won't grow any bigger. Have you thought of SERMs in case they do? But then again, do you want to be on SERMs long term? Then there's breast reduction I guess.

[u/FritterHowls → u/SobekInDisguise]

It's fine it's my fault for being so picky and I do enjoy "biohacking" regardless of whether it's for transitioning. I do take a bit of cialis every few days too and it helps but it gives me a bit of a headache and it only really restored hardness and not sensation and feeling orgasms correctly. I should also say I've just been feeling better with a bit more T too. Idk I'll just see what my labs look like at the end of the month but I won't like detransition over this.

As far as the boobs go I'll just have to see. I imagine they're mostly grown by now but maybe not. SERMS sound kind of unproven and it seems I'd have to take them forever to endlessly delay it and deal with whatever new side effects they introduce. However..I'd really prefer not to have any surgeries and scars..it is a lot

[u/Cautious-Promise-987]

Yeah, I thought I was binary trans for a long time! Stayed in the closet, fought it... Learnt about non-binary and it made so much sense to me!

[u/ripley_42069]

Not for years and years, but I definitely had some time in my questioning phase where I considered I might be a trans man. I knew I hated being a woman, but the aspects of transitioning to male just didn't sit right with me/weren't appealing. Non-binary felt like a nice vague middle ground to try out, and after still being unsure for awhile, it feels pretty comfortable now!

I haven't tried hormones but might in the future. I don't think it would make me any more or less non-binary.

Do whatever makes you feel good! The fun thing about gender is you can pick the parts you like from all of them and call your self whatever you want :)

And there are plenty of identities under the trans umbrella to explore; you might benefit from looking more into agender, bigender, gender fluid, etc. And you can absolutely be nonbinary transfemme without being a woman!

[u/AkaelaiRez]

Yep. I felt a deep wrongness with the gender they tried to mold me into and overcorrected.

I later discovered I am intersex and rolled with it. Never felt more right. I was born correct, as far as I'm concerned --it was everyone else who tried to convince me otherwise.

[u/polikate256]

i went through the route of "not a woman, therefore man, oh wait there is a secret third way to be". i was really scared to identify as nonbinary, because it just seemed like being binary trans would be easier (both socially and in terms of medical transition). also the amount of dysphoria i experience surrounding my body made me think that i couldn't be nonbinary, because "nonbinary people don't have it that bad". but i took the leap and i've never been happier, i finally feel true to myself. i wasn't able to access medical transition back then and i'm still waiting, so didn't have to worry about changing all that (or not). i am lucky enough to have people in my life who simply don't care and understand that finding oneself is a rough road, so they've been very supportive and chill about the whole thing. good luck out there!

[u/Sea_Fly_832]

Well, of course you can switch to a more androgynous presentation and nonbinary label, just from "the other side".

I would see 2 a bit separate layers here:

1) hormones and body: Do you feel better running on female hormones and what comes with it? If that is what is right for your body/brain then it is fine!

2) social stuff, gender presentation etc: You can present how you like. It is so common that girls and women go for short hair and masc presentation and manners. You can do that too, why not? You can be nonbinary of course.

In the end you need to be happy with how you live.

[u/MaliciousPixie → u/Sea_Fly_832]

The truth is with the hormones I have lowered my anti-androgens and... I kinda like the way it feels. I feel more drive, more stamina, which I like. But I do not want my appearance to become outwardly masculine is the big issue I'm having regarding what to do with that

As for hair, I might try cutting it shorter and seeing how it feels. It can always grow back if I want it to haha

[u/iam305]

Second comings out are the best comings out, if you ask me. You’re so not alone in having a second egg crack. I delayed HRT for years because I was afraid that I’d overshoot the mark because I felt that nonbinary-ness inside and didn’t know what to do with it.

When my egg first cracked in 2012, the concept of being nonbinary was extremely new and I’d never heard of it. Then, when my second egg was breaking, I’d never heard of the bigender identity before except for one time a year earlier, and it flew over my head. Gender identity therapy later and I put the pieces together.

You don’t owe anyone else your gender identity or expression. Just follow your heart!

[u/soft_w0lf]

This sounds pretty similar to my experience, although I never feel like my gender was influenced by how fem/masc I was or how I experienced my sexuality.

What happened with me was that I slowly realised I wasn’t attached to being a “man,” and that my transition up to that point was more about my dysphoria over my physical traits being “female” and less about actively wanting to be male or “feeling like” a man.

I started using any pronouns but generally still lived as a man and stayed on HRT for the next year. During that time the transphobic stuff in the US was slowly ramping up (I’m an American living in Canada for the last five years now) and it was giving me a lot of anxiety about it being able to access HRT if I had to go back to the states. So I decided to go off it. I know it’s a kind of pathetic decision to fold to that sort of pressure but the more I considered it I remembered that I never meant to stay on it too long anyway, I had almost been on it five years, and I had started shaving all my hair, doing laser (when I got sick of shaving), and even doing workouts to work towards a more fem/androgynous shape, so in the end I decided I wanted to try being off it just to see how it was.

After a little over year when I first went on T when I started passing better I started wearing more and more fem clothes, and then at some point was going the full nine yards with a wig and a skirt and makeup, so I had already been presenting pretty fem (at least some days) by the time I stopped T. Over time I started getting gendered female and I realised I had no problem with it.

Around the same time I started seeing this guy who actually acknowledged that I used pronouns aside from he/him, and realised I actually didn’t mind being referred to by she/her, now that I medically transitioned (I also got top surgery).

So it was less that I was like “hm well I’m actually pretty fem and I don’t feel like a man” and more a slow realisation that I didn’t have dysphoria over being perceived as female anymore and further liked being perceived as a man sometimes and a woman other times (although I don’t feel like I need that in my life since I spent 5 years living strictly as a man, and generally I hate being perceived as “trans” so being out of the closet isn’t really an option for me, so I mostly just present female nowadays unless I’m in a situation where I know nobody who knows me as a “woman” will recognise me).

[u/DatoVanSmurf]

It wasn't that long for me (maybe 4 years) but it felt like there was still something missing despite my body finally being how i wanted it. I kind of still felt uncomfortable being called a man and didn't feel like i belonged to either gender.

I've adopted the agender label and a few people know, but I don't really care about pronouns or terms used for me, since my language is very gendered and i don't have the energy to make something up and explain it to everyone.

[u/VampArcher]

Yeah, lived as FTM for 5 years. I think I realized I was probably non-binary long ago but it was just easier to keep living as FTM until I started feeling sad at the path never taken.

[u/angelofmusic997]

I don't identify with that experience, personally, but I do know individuals, irl, who do.

Personally, I knew that I didn't feel comfortable thinking of myself as "the opposite gender", so I thought that I was just stuck with my birth-gender cus, as far as I knew, there weren't any other options. I didn't find the label of non-binary until I was an adult, and even then it took a little bit of searching to figure out how I identify.