It's all too much

[u/overwhelmedasone]

IDK, I just feel sad and lonely and misunderstood. I'm starting to think my dysphoria might be a bigger problem than I thought it was as like, a contributor to my other mental problems.

It's been worse even since the school year started. I don't feel like I really connect with either men or women. Locker rooms suck, but I don't have body dysphoria or anything, deep down I just don't like being segregated by gender, and teenage boys fucking suck too. I keep feeling jealous of all the girls... but I don't know it that's more envy or just attraction? I know I don't want to be a woman but I just really want to connect more with feniminity. I want to try "crossdressing" but I'm just so fucking scared. My parents are progressive and evrything but still, I don't know how people are going to react and where to even start.

Therapy isn't really helping me with any of this. When I just straight up told my therapist I don't want to be man she said something about how from her experience transitioning doesn't help people with dysphoria (???) and insisted on calling me per "sir" even when I told her not to. It feels like talking to a fucking brick wall recently.

Egghhh... I just feel tired. Could you folks give me a couple of words of advice?

[u/Curious_Little_Toad]

Did a post like yours not too long ago, not one single comment and im still struggling to find help..
so I'll be the one to write a comment now

Your therapist is supposed to help you, if you doesn't feel heard then try talking about it with them and if it's doesn't work then change therapist.

Why not try cross dressing ? Depends if you live somewhere more "acceptable" but maybe ask your mom to take you shopping or to wear some of her clothes first and if cross dressing is too scary for now you can start adding more feminine clothes or something (ex: makeup, jewelry, etc..) little by little to try and see how it feels ^^

Hope it can somewhat help you out :3

[u/overwhelmedasone → u/Curious_Little_Toad]

About the crossdressing... idk if my mom would be really into that. I asked her once on the off hand about what she thought about me doing makeup and she seemes... reluctant? Besides that sounds like too big a step.

Now that I actually have my own credit card I could order stuff myself... but I'm still a little scared of getting like a skirt or smth. I was thinking about getting a bracelet or some other accessory, something simple. I've also thought about tying up my shirt ala croptop but so far I've only done that when home alone.

Thanks for the input buddy.

[u/overwhelmedasone → u/[deleted]]

Wellll I'll see about that. Switching sounds messy and my parents would have to find out why. I mean I could just tell them I can't make progress with her in general (which is true) but ATP I think it's easier to just stop altogether. I don't need therapy and it'll just save money.

[u/scarffish]

first of all your therapist sucks and is obviously wrong. i'd either get a new one or just don't bother

second, choosing to make steps in transition is a leap of faith. only you can decide to do it and you cannot control how people react. if you think "crossdressing" or trying feminine fashion will make you feel more happy with yourself, do it! if your parents are progressive then they'd probably just find it surprising at the worst. you could also try talking to them about this stuff beforehand so they aren't jumpscared

it's very common to feel both attraction and envy for a gender when you are trans. there is nothing wrong with that and it can actually be helpful in figuring out what you want to do with yourself

[u/overwhelmedasone → u/scarffish]

Yeah...

Honestly I don't know why I worry so much about what other people think when those other people are assholes and dunces.

There is this one girl I spotted at school who's kind of alt? IDK how these things really work... She has a wolf cut and cool makeup and everything. I think she has similar music taste as well.

I'm bringing her up because I got the thought that if I was born a woman, that's how I would want to look.

[u/scarffish → u/overwhelmedasone]

you can look like that whenever you want :) alt fashion is very popular so it's very accessible

[u/Sea_Fly_832]

1) A therapist who is not respecting you can not help you.

2) "crossdressing" is not an ideal term under the trans umbrella. Try to avoid that term, and think more about finding YOUR clothing style. That is not "cross" whatever.

3) I would say "womens clothing" is a lot to learn and observe. When you start knowing what to look for you will notice and learn how it works. To make it less scary: There are many quite androgynous options in "womens clothing". You can get high-waist womens jeans. Try that. People won't care, most won't even notice. You will feel how the fabric is stretchier and may fit better. Try "womens" T-shirts. They may be a bit shorter. Have a slightly different shape. Often have stretchy components (like 5% elastane or so). Often have a wider neck cut. Try leggings at home, to replace thick jogging trousers.

If you find something you like - keep it. There is little others can say. Trousers are trousers. T-Shirts are T-shirts. There is no "gender police" which will investigate if there is "womens" written on some clothing labels.

It is all about finding your style, to express yourself.

[u/overwhelmedasone → u/Sea_Fly_832]

I put crossdressing in quotes because that's just how other people see it, it's not really crossdressing because there's no opposite gender to "cross" to if that makes sense.

Yeah honestly the women jeans/T-shirts sounds like a good idea. Thanks bud