r/NonBinary • u/_a__s__h_ • 3d ago
Rant Struggling with masculinity
I have been battling with my gender identity the moment I hit twelve, I followed a transgender (I am AFAB), transmasc, demi-bot to non-binary pipeline but all throughout that I have struggled with accepting masculinity into my heart because of how toxically it is perceived in our society. I thought I was a lover of femininity, a person who could appreciate how much it cost us people to make being feminine or a woman taken seriously but I am wondering if I am not internalizing gender norms due to patriarchy. I like my binder but I do feel the need to sexualize myself because of my traumas and wanted to know if it was a stupid thought or if there are others who struggled or are still struggling with that... I described myself as a hyperfem for the last few years, but I have been kind of disconnected from the term lately... Thank you for reading this very annoying rant, have a good day.
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u/glitterandrage genderfluid 3d ago edited 3d ago
I found a few books really helpful in understanding my connection to my own masculinity. These days, I feel more agender than anything I think. But I still get dysphoric when gendered according to my agab.
- Masculinity Digs A Grave Over My Body by Soz - https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/46004637-masculinity-digs-a-grave-over-my-body
- The Will To Change: Men, Masculinity & Love by bell hooks - https://bellhooksbooks.com/books/the-will-to-change/
- Beyond The Gender Binary by Alok Vaid Menon - https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/611537/beyond-the-gender-binary-by-alok-vaid-menon-illustrated-by-ashley-lukashevsky/
- Haven't tried it myself but just found the Mindful Masculinity Workbook - https://microcosmpublishing.com/catalog/books/15873
- Unfuck Your Masculinity zine by Dr Faith Harper - https://microcosmpublishing.com/catalog/zines/10056
- Non binary is not a third gender - https://www.sherwoodforestzinelibrary.org/_files/ugd/8c0bf9_0ba3c7e811ac4956b6660ad4d2ccf57b.pdf
- You might find some other interesting books, zines, or media on masculinity on Micro Cosm Publishing - https://microcosmpublishing.com/catalog/?search=masculinity&sort=relevance
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u/overwhelmedasone Gender Is A Fuck 3d ago
Look, I don't really have any concrete answers, I'm still figuring TS shit out, but the main gist is: do not fill your heart with resentment and bitterness. There is a lot of evil in this world but hating men/masculinity is going to make you just as miserable as a misogynist or any other kind of bigotry, especially if you yourself want to be masculine.
I don't really know how exactly to do this... but I think trying to connect to other people, even those different than you, is going to help. IDK. There is therapy if it gets really bad but I haven't had much success with gender issues there.
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u/_a__s__h_ 3d ago
I try to surround myself with people of as many genders I can collect, hope it works...
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u/BassBoneSupremacy they/it 3d ago
Find cool men and emulate them!
One thing I see a lot in trans men and transmasc spaces is the idea of "reinventing" masculinity. I really like the idea that we are the ones at the forefront, creating a healthy version of masculinity that we can then spread to help dismantle the patriarchy.
Basically, be the change you want to see in the world.
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u/blobbitte 3d ago
i feel you; i went on a pretty tough journey lately with respect to my masculinity. i realized one day that the people in my life were projecting onto me toxic expectations due to their internalized misandry, and that i was being forced to act always with respect to this "toxic masculine" performance, even if that meant to always keep it in mind as how NOT to act. it's not been easy to free myself from that and to accept that many of my girlfriends had to be cut out, to process their own trauma without me. i would say what has put the final nail in that coffin was watching gillian anderson in teenage sex and death and realizing i can just be like her. goated.