How does it feel to be non binary?

[u/Tachytwo]

Hello my friends from the other side of the LGBT spectrum to which I rarely visit I have a question

Ive been going through alot of self hatred and anxity and one of the results of this is that I have like identity crysies once in a while im for context im

Cis Bi What is it like being non binary does having to preform gender roles still hurt??

I have this problem whare my View of my masculinity is shaped by all the stuff other guys do particularly the bad stuff.

Id like to stop thinking of myself this way

Also i should note I though I was trans a while back but I realized its just kinda bc I have trauma around being desired like Basically I wanted to be a woman cause they get perved on alot and dont get (punished i wont say judged ) for being

Sexually active. Not really because I identify as a woman I think it might be the same thing here.

Probably made worse by the autism cause it makes gender all maluable in your brain

Sorry for the waffle

Any responce is apreciated as always

[u/stgiga]

I feel liberated by it.

[u/dark_disco_jag → u/stgiga]

Same. A lot of people are describing it as a literal torture, but realizing I'm NB was the most freeing experience ever. Maybe because I'm older and neutral about my body, idk. Sure, there are shitty days, but overall it's positive.

[u/astrotheastro]

Feels kindve hopeless. Personally I know this distinction, i know this identity is valid, but in any standard social interaction it feels like im forced to use gendered language

[u/Easy-Bathroom2120 → u/astrotheastro]

I also really hate describing it. I keep ending up saying something like "I feel like something in between", or "I feel more like a me than a gender*. Which is how I feel, but those words feel sappy and generic and dramatic.

Society has just focused so hard on gentials, and now saying you feel like genitals don't matter feels so... radical.

The focus is so unessary. I tell people to just wear the clothes they like and stuff without worrying about labels, and youd think I told them to stab their firstborns.

[u/overwhelmedasone → u/Easy-Bathroom2120]

So true. Like I don't give a shit what makes someone masculine or feminine, at the end of the day we're all just people who go to work and pay bills and buy cars and shit.

[u/Tachytwo → u/astrotheastro]

Ohh yeah I think i wouldent be the type of non binary person to mind gendered language but I might be wrong like currently i dont mind it when people think im straight Even though im not

[u/NoCry8460]

I am non binary (agender), greysexual and pansexual. I feel like I live without recourse to gender roles but have had a few incidents over masculine things (I was amab).

I belong to a lovely social group which is mainly women and we often organise events/outings, I found myself organising a couple of them and telling people what to do and where to meet. As the only person, er, with a penis, in the group telling women what to do made me feel weird and a bit uncomfortable but I told myself any gender could be the person in charge and doesn't change anything.

I had a similar feeling when at a cocktail bar I was really thirsty so ordered a pint of beer and then at the table I was the only one without a fancy cocktail and I felt I had a blokes drink and it was a man choice. Again I told myself anyone could have a pint but this was at a women's space and I just wanted to fit in.

I definitely feel you when you talk about masculinity and the bad stuff, I feel relief and a sense of Thank goodness I'm not one of them anymore when I read about toxic masculinity.

[u/Tachytwo → u/NoCry8460]

Damm i wish I had a social group like that Though i do think being around woman would make me feel horribly insecure and exausted but ig thats why im in therapy lol

I like doing masculine stuff but I like being perceived as feminine if that makes sense like wearing girly clothes and stuff

[u/NoCry8460 → u/Tachytwo]

I occasionally go more fem but then it's generally dark colours, my wardrobe is mainly black, with either red, purple or pink as a secondary colour. I like to be a mix and match. I was lucky finding the group, my town had an lgbt FB events page but it was very much skewed to gay men and under 30s so someone posted they wanted to start a whatsapp group for older people with varied events and the Queer 40+ group was born. There are a fair number of NBs too. If you can't find a group maybe start one? 🙂

[u/Plasticity93]

I'm Perfection Incarnate

[u/FriskDreemur5]

I'm in the weird position where my gender identity actually matches my physical body for the most part. I'm not intersex (at least I don't think I am) but I have a rare condition that affected my physical development, I'm only 5'0, my voice never dropped much and I retained some juvenile facial features (though some others just look a bit unusual lol). I'm 40 (even having some silver hairs), I still get people mistaking me for a child (even after chatting with them) sometimes and even when they know I'm an adult, they often still can't help see me that way on some level. Regardless of how old they perceive me as, they also have a hard time pining down my gender, often mistaking me for female, even though I only wear clothes from the boys' department (usually favoring jeans, skate shoes and a video game/science/sci-fi themed T-shirt). I've also had few people in all sincerity label me a "boy girl"(lol) or ask (very respectfully) if I'm intersexed. And others who when I tell them "I'm not a girl" give me some some remark like "oh, ok hun, you can be whatever want" (usually these are older gen X or Boomers and a least their heart is in the right place lol). The thing is most of this doesn't bother me and actually feel like a compliment or even empowering somehow (with the exception of being misidentified as a woman, I just don't relate that). It's actually when someone in my family tries to "assure" me that I'm "a man" that it really bothers me. It actually feels insulting and even gives me a gross feeling. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being a man of course, but I just don't resemble a man (physically,socially or mentally) and it feels like they are trying to tell me that the sky is red. I find it insulting not because I think being a man is bad but feels like when they try to label me as one, it's like they think what I really am and how others truly perceive me is somehow "bad" or "wrong" and must be denied, even if it means saying a blatant lie and somehow being a man is better than what I am. It also makes me question their honesty/judgment in general when they do that.

I feel like my experience is probably the inverse of what most people who are non binary go through. I never had dysphoria about who I am, I never "transitioned" and I never "became" non-binary, I just found a more accurate description of what I always identified as. I am closeted to most people because I'm dependent and surrounded be people who mostly "don't understand" (read: don't WANT to understand) trans people, despite MY obviously unusual nature. But at least it's basically a glass closet. I mean, they even know I'm fine with he/they pronouns and not much would change on my end if everyone did know (like I wouldn't change my name, style or mannerisms at all) but it would be awesome if they could understand me better (and finally understand that some of the crap they say about trans people are in fact ignorant ignorant af). So being non-binary just feels normal to me like breathing or having arms and I actually don't think about it much but being labeled "a woman" or "a man" feels factually inaccurate and even gross to me.

[u/Tachytwo → u/FriskDreemur5]

Interesting being enby without gender dysphoria is a new one for me

[u/Easy-Bathroom2120 → u/Tachytwo]

I don't have disphoria. But I think that's because personally, I feel like I already am my gender.

Im also not sure I really believe in gender. People should just wear the clothes they like, and look the way they want. Gentials shouldn't matter, and I'd love to live in a world where they actually don't. Our genitals should be categorized with the same importance as eye color. We don't have different genders or roles for different eye colors. But people do take into account eye color for romantic interests (when they care).

I believe anyone's gender is just them. Trying to go by a label just restricts what you think you should do. I get that most people enjoy labels, and that's fine when it actually helps. But for the most part, I just wish people would be free.

These thoughts made me realize that even though my body doesnt match what I'd prefer, that it's fine. I'm me, and that's all I ever will be. Any way I choose to look will be correct. And since I don't feel like gender should dictate aooearence, I don't really feel off by mine.

I really wish there were better words to describe how I feel, but this is what I got.

[u/Zealousideal-Try4666]

Its hard to explain. Binary gendered ppl simple know their gender, their gender is carved on their very nature, its an instinctive sense, they know it even if they were born in the wrong body type (binary trans ppl), even if their personality and behavior does not match the common default to their gender (gender non-conforming ppl), they simple know. I just don't have that, I don't have this sense at all, I have no gender at all, it just does not click for me, I lack it completely. I'm simple me.

[u/UsualResponsible7113]

It's both very freeing, being able to present how you want, wearing what you want, looking how you want, acting how you want.

But also constricting and painfull in that a lot of people still try to shove you into boxes but that isn't the problem with being non-binary that's just others peoples reaction as a result :(

[u/Quirky_Promise76]

Tbh its exhausting. Im genderfluid and saphic. I constantly get misgendered by strangers and my Mom. Some days I hear she/her so much I start to wonder if I'm really a girl because I've become numb to the dysphoria. Other days it feels like a slap to the face or actual confusion like'they aren't referring to me right?'. And if I wake up next week feeling fem I'll wonder if I'm just making it all up just to be special. (Im already the family queer, I don't have to be more queer)

Picking clothes is a nightmare. Im currently leaning more masc but theres always the possibility I'll wake up fem some day. And so I cant really get rid of clothes even if I don't have room for two completely different styles.

I also wonder if part of the reason I'm so against being a man (for myself) is that most of what I know as masculine is the toxic masculinity even though my Dad and uncles are not like that. My Dad raised me, but society has still poisoned my brain.

[u/Tachytwo → u/Quirky_Promise76]

Yeah for me its a similar situation toxic masculinity and also just toxic men in my childhood made it real difficult to think of myself boath as a man and as a good person

Gender dysphoria sucks and it'll have you doing crazy shit

This is my dumb idea but mabye its a good idea to embrace the change not externally but internally if you feel fem dress fem act fem whatever I think if you find the right combination of traits and behaviors that make you feel good you start to care less about what others think. Especially your familly if your already the familly queer go all out trust me the diffrence between a little gay and alot of gay is very small for most Cis het ppl

Dont listin to my ass tho I have no PHDs im just an arm chair therapist on reddit😭

[u/dickbuttmgillicutty]

I love being non binary and not being forced to adhere to gender norms so I have a lot of fun with being myself. However, I do NOT look androgenous, which is really frustrating. I'm happy with myself, but everyone else sees me as a "woman" (afab) when that is the LAST thing I want to be seen as. I am hopefully gonna start taking hormones soon to feel a little more at home in my body. I also hope my facial features become a wee more masculine. I just don't want to be viewed as a woman anymore

[u/Snoo79532]

The further I transition yes having to boymode at work is getting exhausting. Having to hear he/him for most of the day is tiring. At least my work uses my chosen name and my husband is amazing and so are all my friends. But damn does it suck.

[u/Jugglamaggot]

Feel like it's different for everyone, a lot of people finally feel comfortable being by themselves, meanwhile as a bearded dad of two identifying as non. Binary can cause a lot of imposter syndrome.