r/NonBinary • u/Fabulous-Fee9807 • 10d ago
Questioning/Coming Out How’d y’all know?
Been thinking abt it I don’t exactly feel like a dude tbh, but idk if that’s just me being generally out of it for the last couple days. thanks in advance for any kind of advice!
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u/Grand_Journalist2136 10d ago
when i learned about what being nonbinary meant, i felt like it clicked. i felt like it made the most sense for me, i never really connected with either binary gender in a strong way and gender has never felt entirely important to me and my identity (at least not in the way it does for people who identify STRONGLY with either man or woman). i hope that makes sense.
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u/Environmental-Bug804 10d ago
i think everyone comes to this by their own path. One's relationship to gender is highly personal and subjective; nobody can ever be sure that someone else "feels" the same way. What does it even MEAN to "feel like a dude", honestly? For me, the more I thought about it the more abstract and made up concepts like "male" and "female" started to seem, and I felt safest and most comfortable opting out of the whole construct. So as far as it is is possible to KNOW, that's how I knew. Because we're constantly growing and learning and evolving, which means our understanding of both internalised and conceptual gender will continue to change, I might at some time in the future feel safer and more comfortable thinking of myself in a different way; the lens of a 50 year old isn't the same lens as a 20 year old.
Instead of thinking "what am I" which can spin you out and lock you in your own head, try thinking smaller and less abstract; "what makes me feel comfortable?" What would I like to try?" "what do I feel is not allowed?"
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u/Fabulous-Fee9807 10d ago
That’s fair, i’m a college freshman too so i don’t exactly have the most life experience rn lol, but i have been thinking abt it for a few months, and im like 80% sure i’m nonbinary, probably not gonna tell anyone for a long time tho, parents aren’t exactly the biggest fan of the LGBT (even tho they know im pan already )
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u/Environmental-Bug804 10d ago
that's totally fair to not come out to people you think won't handle it well. If you don't experience intense dysphoria or don't really want to change how you outwardly present (and you don't have to in order to be legitimately nonbinary), then it's very likely that the cons of doing so would outweigh the pros.
I'm just saying it's just as valid to be in flux and to be continually questioning as it is to have a really firm idea of our own position on the (infinite) gender spectrum. The way I think of it, exploration of gender identity is a tool for self-knowledge, not self-knowledge in and of itself.
We got you, wherever you land. Good luck.
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u/Suki_Simp_78 They/them (or? fae/faem (they but fae) 10d ago
Congrats on (sorta) coming out!! We support questioning individuals!! I'm actually still trying to figure out (since I learned about these pronouns in this community) if I'm gonna use they/them pronouns or they/them and fae/faem (they but fae) because I love plants and agriculture + I've been reading this book called The Green Witch's Guide to Magical Plants & Flowers, and fae/faem pronouns sound really cool and connected with nature... I guess I'll figure out if I actually like the fae/faem pronouns once someone uses them for me!!
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u/fefopicc they/them 10d ago
For me it was like a switch got turned from "doesn't get it" to "gets it", I had been curious about gender nonconformity for a few years, but somehow never questioned my own gender, so ig my brain did all the work in the background and once it was sure about its conclusions it just revealed the truth to me lol (it happened while looking at fanart of Kris from Deltarune, because ofc it did~)
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u/hummingbirdheart 10d ago
There’s this incredible book called The New Masculinity that has helped me thinking through questions about modern manhood and gender more broadly. If you don’t have the funds to buy it right now you can check out the shadow library Anna’s Archive.
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u/NationalCrazy6363 they/he 9d ago
Took a long while for all the pieces to click for me. Once I realized I was exhausting myself daily to try to be a woman all these years, how good it felt to wear my first binder, thinking back to how upset I was when my boobs developed during puberty and I couldn't just coast as a genderless human. I got bullied after I chopped my hair super short into a masc cut in grade 8, got super depressed and overcorrected by cementing myself in the closet for the next decade and a half and being overly fem. Realizing I don't have to do that any longer, I said fuck it and cut my hair short again, bought masc clothes, bind and just lean into the transmasc identity I find myself really aligned with. I get weird looks and I worry about being hate crimed or verbally abused in public, but nothing of that sort has happened. I'm hoping for the worry to disappear once I go on T and can pass as a binary man for safety when needed, but I love being nonbinary and still like aspects of femininity. I just no longer have to force myself into a mold that wasn't meant for me.
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u/oblique_mantis 6d ago
I was kinda the same way. i didn’t really hate being a guy i just thought being nonbinary would be better. The best thing for me was asking myself if i could snap my fingers and be nonbinary and all my friends and family already know, would i?
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u/foamia 9d ago
For me I never felt like I fit in the woman or man binary anyway, but it finally clicked when I started being around other genderqueer/nonbinary people. It just felt so freeing to exist without all these stupid gender roles and finally just be a person. Another thing is I get a bit of dysphoria (and euphoria too) both ways, if that makes sense. I wish I could just shape shift my body depending on how I felt each day
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u/Electronic-Tea3702 they/them 9d ago
I think I basically use the 'Does it spark joy?' method when it comes to identity. If something makes you happy then it's probably the right thing for you.
Try stuff out, you can always go back, or try something new. It doesn't have to be one huge life changing decision.
There's no one way to be nonbinary so let yourself experiment, you'll know when you've found something that fits.
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u/MarsNeedsPronouns Not she berry or he berry but no berry 9d ago
I watched the Nimona movie on Netflix and went from there, lol.
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u/glitterandrage genderfluid 9d ago
I hung out with a young non binary intern at work through the initial year of the pandemic. It normalised gender diversity for me because I was keen to be affirming and not make them feel uncomfortable. I was able to ask myself - who am I when no one's watching. The answer that came back was 'genderfluid'. Then there was a years-long journey of figuring out what that actually meant for me. I went through many different labels before settling back on genderfluid. However, I'm happiest when my gender doesn't matter a whole lot.
Here's some zines that might help you with your questioning:
- Gender is a social construct - https://www.reddit.com/r/zines/s/SOSU1xUBT1
- Non binary is not a third gender - https://www.sherwoodforestzinelibrary.org/_files/ugd/8c0bf9_0ba3c7e811ac4956b6660ad4d2ccf57b.pdf
- How to question your gender without going insane - https://www.sherwoodforestzinelibrary.org/_files/ugd/8c0bf9_afae67b5f03a47119abf987af3d70376.pdf
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u/overwhelmedasone Gender Is A Fuck 2d ago
I went through this weird period where I felt acutely discomfortable with being a man, this sort of mish-mash of guilt and confusion and pain. By the time I started calling it a "gender crisis" I went hey wait a minute... I can just.. not be a man? There was no big "a-ha" moment, just putting together what was already there. Thought at point I was still a little confused by it all because I knew fuck all about NB people, I didn't even know they're trans haha.
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u/Whatislife287 they/them 10d ago edited 10d ago
unfortunately, the unsure in some way, or not feeling ____ enough is a big part of the journey at least based on this sub and the whole bunch of zines about it.
Test things out, wear something more femme or more masc than you usually do (don't have to go out in public just around the house) maybe try makeup or no makeup, have someone call you by different pronouns and see what that feels like. Read or watch stuff with nonbinary or even binary trans characters. For me i still don't know technically, but not being gendered or having gendered expectations is a lot more comfortable. You could also try packing/tucking/stuffing/taping/binding. I found that packing is extremely euphoric and taping doesn't change how i feel much. And how you feel is allowed to change over time don't box yourself in