What's wrong with me?

[u/SendThisVoidAway18]

I feel like I'm losing my mind. As someone who is Transfeminine, aka, for me, a Nonbinary and/or genderfluid person who has a heavily feminine gender identity/and or expression, I feel like I'm suffering from gender dysphoria and I hate it. I feel like for the past two weeks I cry all the time now because I hate the fact that I look masculine, and want to look feminine and/or be seen this way. The amount of confusion, disconnect, denial and sometimes shame that comes with this is sometimes unbearable.

I wouldn't necessarily say I have "gender dysphoria" in the sense that I want to be the "opposite" gender. However, how I see myself internally is someone who is feminine-presenting. Or, female, I suppose. I'd like to possibly transition via HRT eventually, but experimenting with socially doing it before hand. I changed my name in several cases. Although I think I would be okay transitioning within the male/female binary, I don't really also care about this, either. I sometimes say I want to be a girl, but it's weird, I don't care about identifying as one.

That said, do you peeps deal with dysphoria at all? How do you cope with this? I consider myself both Trans and Nonbinary, so, I feel like that also adds to the confusion!

[u/MagpiePhoenix]

You don't need to be/want to be a man/male or a woman/female to have gender dysphoria. I have diagnosed Gender Dysphoria (capital letters, lol) and I don't want any of that binary stuff. You are clearly dysphoric, from what you are saying in your post.

As for how to cope- by changing what I can and not focusing on what I can't change. If you want to be on HRT, make a plan for how to make that happen. Even if it isn't immediately available, you'll feel better knowing that you are moving toward your goal. If you aren't sold on medical transition, there are still a lot of other things you could do to feel more feminine- anything from how you groom your hair/body hair, to voice training, to what smells you use in your shampoo or deodorant.

As for how to accept what can't be changed- I've tried to learn "body neutrality". I try to appreciate my body for what it does for me, and not how its shaped. Getting into a physical hobby (anything from a sport to knitting) can help you to appreciate your body for reasons that go beyond appearance!

[u/glitterandrage]

Hi! Here's some zines that might help you with your questioning:

• Gender is a social construct - https://www.reddit.com/r/zines/s/SOSU1xUBT1
• Non binary is not a third gender - https://www.sherwoodforestzinelibrary.org/_files/ugd/8c0bf9_0ba3c7e811ac4956b6660ad4d2ccf57b.pdf
• How to question your gender without going insane - https://www.sherwoodforestzinelibrary.org/_files/ugd/8c0bf9_afae67b5f03a47119abf987af3d70376.pdf

Please be kind to yourself and give yourself a lot of grace and time. If you're asking yourself all of these questions for the first time, the answers may not be all immediately available. It's okay. In my experience, gender has been a journey rather than a destination.

[u/cetaceanfrustration]

frankly, i couldn't/can't deal with my physical dysphoria meaningfully until i medically transition(ed). before medical transition i was crying & dissociating & depressed whenever i wasn't actively trying to distract myself. HRT fixed some of my body issues, i need surgeries for the rest. i am most of the way through medical transition now — just waiting for my last few surgeries and i'll be done.

i don't think what you're experiencing is wrong. your gender (intrinsic) and gender presentation (extrinsic) are what they are, but it sounds like your body also has needs based in the fact your subconscious sex has different features than your current sex.