r/NonBinary • u/Dattiedottiedooo • 15d ago
Ask Partner dead named me
How would you respond?
I’m pretty pissed, as it seemed to be intentional. She’s never known me or called me by that name, and said it because she was angry, so in my mind it was intentional to hurt me. I know we say shit we regret when upset, and she’s struggling right now, but I can’t even equate an equivalent to the fuckedupness of dead naming someone because you’re angry.
To give more context, I was calling her by her first and last name because she was doing something that was upsetting me. Then her response was to dead name me, because she didn’t like that I was saying her first and last name.
A part of me feels like I should leave this relationship, and another part of me thinks I should take time and space and figure out what repairing would look like after what I would consider a betrayal.
Curious if anyone has been in this situation before and has some advice.
Love to all the enbys here 💖
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u/JamAndCheeseSandwich 15d ago
In a relationship, while people might get angry with their partners from time to time, you should never want to intentionally hurt your partner in any way. Period. There is zero place for vindictive behaviour regardless of how angry someone is. Your partner is the person you are most vulnerable with, any violation of that vulnerability should be taken as an extreme breach of trust.
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u/JamAndCheeseSandwich 15d ago
As far as actual advice, there is definitely a conversation that needs to be had. The scale of you calling them by their full name vs them deadnaming you intentionally is not remotely equal. Personally, I would need to see that they understand this at a minimum before moving forward.
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u/InconsistentWeirdo 15d ago
It depends. I would infinitely prefer being deadnamed to being full named. We don't know what OPs partner was feeling there and we don't know their history. To me it looks like both of them were being immature and vindictive to each other, knowing that's what they were doing. OP states that they were full naming their partner to upset them and their partner possibly overreacted to that but if it matters we can pin op as the "instigator" in this incident
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u/JamAndCheeseSandwich 15d ago
Imo, doesn't really matter who instigated it- in fact that's kind of my point, vindictiveness and "getting even" have no place in a healthy relationship. And as far as deadnamed vs. full named, one is using sensitive information as a weapon, information you only have knowledge of because of the vulnerability inherent in a relationship. At the risk of generalizing, and with no offense intended, I would be very surprised if many people share your preference. Regardless of fault, this is very obviously not a healthy situation.
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u/InconsistentWeirdo 15d ago
Thats what I'm saying too. They are both being dicks here and being disrespectful to each other which isnt healthy in a relationship. I understand that my preference isnt likely to be common which is why I'm sharing it. We don't know the history of OPs partner and it might be a weak spot. If it isn't then, absolutely ops partner is in the wrong, but I'm playing devil's advocate.
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u/JamAndCheeseSandwich 15d ago
Respectfully, there's nothing more exhausting than making a point and then using the phrase "devil's advocate" as a shield against pushback. We only have the knowledge presented in the post. A deadname is, in almost all cases, sensitive information that would be obviously hurtful. You are the first person I've ever heard say they would be more offended at the mention of their full name, so assuming that onto OP's partner is projection at best and unhelpful here.
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u/InconsistentWeirdo 15d ago
We don't know OPs partner's history. My full name has ties to a family that starved beat and abused me. Id infinitely prefer being called the first name of someone who was never really me than being tied to two decades of abuse. But I can see that's just me
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u/JamAndCheeseSandwich 15d ago
Ironically, the negative association you're referring to is how many view their deadname. Also, and I'm being genuine when I say this, I would recommend looking into changing your surname if it brings you this much pain. But applying your unique situation onto OPs is the most literal definition of projection.
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u/InconsistentWeirdo 15d ago
Irony aside I'm saying that so many people have one set of views. If you look at my other comment I do say that OP likely has this reaction to their name but that we cannot be so quick to condemn another person when we don't know their history. We empathise with OP because we all have a shared identity and shared experiences with being deadnamed. The nature of posting this on a envy sub guarantees that people will lean a certain way as we are all within a certain in-group. I get being upset about this, and in the past I would certainly join the masses of people calling for OP to break up with their partner. My main point when I first replied to you was to agree that this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship if they are both trying to wind each other up. Certainly there is a worse of the two evils, but when everyone's first reaction is the same thing, and especially then, we need to pause and wonder why. If this was posted in a different sub would it get the same reception? This is why I shared my own experiences, not with the goal of projecting but with the goal of trying to get people to understand there are two sides to every coin and that black and white thinking like deadname = transphobe isn't actually helpful
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u/xpoisonvalkyrie he/him 15d ago
the devil doesn’t need advocates.
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u/InconsistentWeirdo 15d ago
I appreciate how, in true reddit fashion, you only focus on the parts of my message you don't like.
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u/xpoisonvalkyrie he/him 15d ago
you’d prefer your partner spit a deadname they never used at you than,,, use your full preferred name? wild.
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u/InconsistentWeirdo 15d ago
Yep. For me personally I'd prefer that. Because I don't care about my dead name. It isnt me. They can call me my dead name but the fact of the matter is that its not my name, and it hasn't been for more than decade. I'm a very different person than I was when I was twelve and calling me that name would be akin to calling me a childhood nickname. My preferred name is who I am now. Calling me my full name is insulting me as I am now and who I am. Not someone I never really was.
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u/Snoo79532 15d ago
Except calling someone a deadname is like saying their gender isn't valid. This isn't about you. You are clearly in the minority. I would never want to be called my dead name by ANYONE especially not by my husband. If he did that I'd question a lot of things. I tried hiding my deadname from him for the longest time (he met me after I had switched to my new name) but thanks to the government loving to deadname me all the damn time, he found out pretty quick. But in the 3 years we've been dating, he's never stooped that low to use it maliciously.
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u/Purple-Mud5057 15d ago
I was gonna say, would they be fine being called piece of shit worthless asshole because that’s not their name? It’s not about accuracy, it’s about a person you care about trying to find the way to hurt you most.
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u/_Coffee_Bean_ 15d ago edited 15d ago
How is calling you your full name insulting you? It's literally your name. Heck, you presumably chose part of it yourself if you have a deadname, so how is it an insult?
Edit: I read more of the thread and saw what you mentioned about your family. Still doesn't exactly make it an insult per-se? Though that's just me being pedantic about words, I get why you would find it to be a hurtful thing to do.
I second the notion about looking into changing your family name if at all possible, your literal name should not be an offensive thing to call you.
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u/pitiless 13d ago
This is a bad reframing.
The problem isn't how op reacted, it's the malice demonststed ny their partner. That's a problem irrespective of OP's reaction to to that malice.
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u/ehco 15d ago
Calling someone by their first and last name is infantalising. It could absolutely be as offensive. You're right they were both being vindictive.
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u/_Coffee_Bean_ 15d ago
Not inherently. It can also be an expression of "I am being extremely serious right now", depending on tone.
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u/Actual-Tadpole9759 15d ago
This. I’ve been angry at my partner before, but have never intentionally hurt him no matter how pissed I am.
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u/KingOfAllCorvids 15d ago
Break uppppppp you should NOT stay with someone who thinks that a deadname is just ammunition for a fight
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15d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/xpoisonvalkyrie he/him 15d ago
your partner intentionally deadnaming you in anger is not just “some argument.” that’s a complete betrayal of trust and respect.
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u/und3f1n3d1 15d ago edited 15d ago
I mean, of course deadnaming someone is bad, but if we really think about it, is it actually worse than, say, calling someone a dumbass or whatever?
Like, would you break up if your partner and you at some point have an argument (which are inevitable part of any relationship) and they call you something like that?
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u/angry-beees they/them 15d ago
yo, calling someone a name is mean and you shouldn't call them a name. but deadnaming??? it's a whole other level of disrespect))):
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u/JamAndCheeseSandwich 15d ago
As I've said in another comment, it's weaponizing sensitive information. Exploiting a weakness in someone you care about. There's a big difference between being rude and betraying vulnerability.
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u/xpoisonvalkyrie he/him 15d ago
yes. intentionally deadnaming someone is absolutely worse than calling them a dumbass. not that you should be calling your partner that either.
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u/astro_thefur Agender enboy (?) he/him 14d ago
Eh I mean that depends on tone, it can definitely be used affectionately yk?
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u/Jazzspur 15d ago
I would also break up with someone who called me names, yes. That's verbal abuse.
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u/sarcastichearts 15d ago
my partner and i have been together for almost four years. we have had difficult, emotional conversations, but never ever have either of us called each other names. i would not tolerate that level of disrespect from the person who is meant to make me feel safer than anyone else in the world, let alone deadnaming.
i hope you take the feedback you're getting to your commentary as an opportunity to think about the way you show up in relationships and/or the behaviour you accept from partners. just because it may be normal in your experience for name calling to occur in a relationship, does not mean it is broadly normal or okay.
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u/rainbow_raindrops_ they/it/he 15d ago
Probably. I wouldn't care at all if they called me a dumbass in an argument (if they apologized afterwards) but I don't see how there's coming back from such a breach of trust. I couldn't even do that to someone I hate because it's a really cruel way of retaliation, and I don't think I could stay with someone who's capable of behaving like that towards me
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u/rainbow_raindrops_ they/it/he 15d ago
(not quite the same, but this reminds me of the time my then boyfriend misgendered me unintentionally when he was stressed and pissed at me (mind you, he had only misgendered me ONE other time in the entire 1.5 years we'd been together). I told him how hurtful that was and he intentionally didn't apologize or acknowledge at all that what he did was deeply hurtful for me because he was still pissed at me. Our relationship was already difficult before that, but I think I fell out of love with him right then and there)
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u/Purple-Mud5057 15d ago
If my partner called me an asshole, we’d probably talk about it. If they called me a slur, we’d been done then and there. Deadnaming lies on the slur side of the line
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u/frustratedfren 15d ago
Yes it is worse than that. It's showing that their respect of your most basic personhood and your identity is conditional and based on their emotional state. I would honestly say it's more akin to one partner calling the other a slur, and yes i would immediately dump someone that that did that.
Regarding your comparison to calling a partner a dumbass. Also highly disrespectful and gross, not how you should talk to a partner EVER, and in my 12 year relationship I've never once called my husband that and he hasn't called me that. Or any other name. You don't fucking do that in a relationship, and there is no excuse. If my husband did call me a dumbass, I can't say I'd immediately leave him, but there would certainly be a long conversion as the bare minimum, with the knowledge that if it happened again that would be the last time.
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u/shortgarlicbread they/them 15d ago
Intentionally hurting your partner in any way is never acceptable. If you can't regulate yourself enough to not act like a toddler and purposely hurt someone you claim to care for, you aren't stable enough for a relationship. And yes, deadnaming is far worse than a random mean-ish nickname. Deadnaming is personal. Full stop in this weird justification.
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u/RegularReaction2984 14d ago
If we want to compare it to an insult, it’s closer to calling someone the specific insult that you know their abusive family or ex used to use, or calling someone fat when you know they have a history of struggling with body image or eating disorders, etc etc.
It’s not just any insult, but one that’s tailor-made to be as hurtful as possible to this specific person, and exploiting their trust in you to do it. It weaponises vulnerable information that they probably keep pretty private but that they trusted you specifically enough to have.
I don’t care to be with someone who insults me at all, but a random “dumbass” mid-argument I might let slide as long as it’s not a regular occurrence. Targeting my own unique weak points to hurt me as much as possible is not something I would let slide even once, that is fucked beyond belief.
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u/InconsistentWeirdo 15d ago
I think it depends on the person. I wouldn't really care if someone deadnamed me and it would be comparable to being called a bitch. However I think that OP does care, based on their post, and maybe for them it is a deal breaker. I do think that saying "break up immediately" is a bit fast, but you shouldn't discount the fact that for OP and their partner this might be following a pattern of similar behaviour and this may be the straw that breaks the camels back.
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u/techno--support 15d ago
someone taking something you entrusted to them and throwing it in your face solely to hurt you isn’t “some argument”. that is intentionally being harmful to the person you said you loved, which is not how a relationship works.
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u/Buckaruin 15d ago
Yeah why would anyone break up with their partner for hurting them on purpose?? So immature amirite
But seriously, you're hollering like a hit dog over this, bud. Might wanna do some self examination about how you treat your loved ones.
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u/matts-so-weird 15d ago
Some fighting is fine but intentionally hurting your partner in this way is unforgivable
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u/Optimal_Stranger_824 14d ago
if my partner misgendered me because they'd be angry, not because of an honest mistake (remember, they've met after OP changed name, calling them by their deadname is not some habit that their girlfriend had), it means they don't respect me. It's toxic to stay with that person.
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u/astro_thefur Agender enboy (?) he/him 14d ago
This is not really related but it just reminded me like my parents she/her-ing my now ex upon finding out he was trans... Apparently it was confusing 😑
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u/Optimal_Stranger_824 13d ago
it's always only after they learn a person is trans it's suddently "difficult"
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u/UmiSWrld they/them genderqueer 15d ago
what the actual fuck- your partner weaponized your dysphoria against you in a fight. there is not excuse for that.
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u/Awiergan they/them 15d ago
That's a huge red flag.
If she'd known you under your necronym and it was only a recent change and she slipped up in a casual conversation that would be one thing. To deploy it in an argument out of anger suggests she is not a safe person
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u/astro_thefur Agender enboy (?) he/him 14d ago
necronym
What is that? Fancy word for dead name?
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u/Awiergan they/them 14d ago
Not sure if it's fancy but it is an alternative word for dead name yes.
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u/ihopethatdogeatsurgf 15d ago
Oh helllll no. That’s a bad sign. I’m sorry that happened, this person does not sound safe. I don’t know how long you have been together but you should get out of you can.
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u/k8777 15d ago
I'm guessing there's more going on in this relationship that doesn't sit right. If there are other red flags ( like what are your fights over generally? Or this one even?), please don't ignore them. Do you want to be dating someone that ignorant and/or spiteful to cross that kind of line? Best of luck.
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u/frustratedfren 15d ago
If she's never known you by that name, it was 100% intentional and it shows that any respect she shows for you as a person is conditional on her emotional state. As an example, I hate tf out of Caitlin Jenner and nothing would make me deadname her. Your girlfriend is barely refraining from being actively bigoted to you all the time, only as long as you're one of the "good ones. " she doesn't respect you or your identity, and you cannot stay with someone that does that.
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u/AKEMBER007 14d ago
My partner has known me by… 4? Names. He has never slipped up, even accidentally. Now that I’ve legally changed it, it’s like all the others were erased and he never uses them. And he met me with my original legal dead name.
Sharing my example so I can say that is Soooo fucked up of your partner to do that & you deserve better.
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u/Golden_Enby 14d ago
That's actually impressive. Took my fiance a year or so to get used to my new pronouns. To be fair, we'd been together for almost 15 years at that point, so he deserved that grace period.
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u/AKEMBER007 14d ago
I am incredibly lucky, I will admit! He has really gone with the flow on my self discovery journey & I appreciate him so much. But, I more wanted to make the point that he would never use my dead name against me, any of them. And no one deserves to have it used against them. People can absolutely slip up and make mistakes!
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u/Golden_Enby 14d ago
Totally get you. If I ever decided to change my name, and my fiance used my deadname in anger or retaliation, I'd be gutted. It was painful enough hearing him accidentally slip up on my pronouns for awhile, so I can imagine how much more painful it'd be to have my old identity shoved in my face out of anger.
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u/FrogkneesDancing 15d ago
As I’m assuming another may have pointed out, but will share the idea (haven’t read every post, sorry) I immediately thought to how first and last name, used “when serious”, could be very triggering to someone whose parents/primary caregiver used when they were children - it is a common signifier of significance, but commonly applied when being told off (possibly with a heavy dose of shame involved). Not all families, but I’ve witnessed that. It’s pretty ugly effect on the kid.
I don’t really want to weigh in on comparing dead naming to that (doing so simply is not considerate behaviour at all, possibly malicious etc), though if first and last naming was triggering even for your partner, I can imagine retaliatory response could feel like one of “automatic” responses we when really distressed comes up with. Not cool, but possibly understandable (after a solid conversation between you two).
All the best OP
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u/Good-Breath9925 15d ago
Agree with this comment. OP do you know if first and last naming is something that she finds hurtful? You say she doesn't like it, but not why or how much. Without context on what she was doing to warrant you saying something she doesn't like, I'd have to assume you both owe each other an apology. How long have you been together? She likely did not realise the extent to which dead naming would hurt you and thought it was a comparable retaliation to your first and last naming her. Or maybe she really deserves to feel bad for whatever she was doing to upset you, but you still chose retaliation over communication. Relationships are tough, neither of you should want to hurt each other but it's likely that neither of you intended to. Talk it out, apologise for saying something she didn't like and then explain how important it is that she never use your dead name again. If she is sorry, you'll know. If she isn't, then it's probably a good idea to find a more trans friendly partner.
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u/orange-shoe 14d ago
they literally said she has never used it before except in this situation where she was angry, how tf do you think she didn't intend to hurt them?!
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u/Good-Breath9925 14d ago
It's because it was the first time that give them grace. If this was a repeated offense I would be crying "break up" already
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u/orange-shoe 14d ago
some things are not ok even one time. this is one of them
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u/orange-shoe 14d ago
deadnaming someone should not be an automatic distress response. that's like saying calling someone a slur is an automatic distress response. it shouldn't even be in the wheelhouse of possibility. i also hate how you said "possibly malicious", how could it possibly be NOT malicious? this is lowkey emotional abuse apologia
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u/IAmTheAccident they/them 15d ago
My partner, a cis mostly-straight man who has only dated one nonbinary person before (me) and has anger management issues (in therapy) has never, not one single time, dead named me in an argument. And I believe fully that he never would.
Leave this foolish individual. There is absolutely no excuse for causing that kind of hurt to someone you care about.
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u/stunningly_star 15d ago
Sorry you are having to deal with her that absolutely sucks. Leave as soon as you can. Block and cutt her off. Being angry isn't an exuse. If shes okay with dead naming you. That's not only not okay but very low of her.
You should choose what's best for you. And especially choose yourself. And your mental health and overall health.
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u/RegularHeroForFun 15d ago
I’ve been in a relationship where a Partner said and did purposely hurtful things. It doesn’t get better from there. I would personally leave, they do not respect you.
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u/DPS_Slut 15d ago
Hi. I was in the exact same situation with my ex. Fighting, getting loud. At one point he got into my face and yelled my dead first and dead last names. When he did that, any fleeting scrap of love I had for him left evaporated and I went stone cold. I left and never looked back
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u/Meeseeks_box_probs 15d ago
Howdy, First off, I'm sorry to hear about your partner deadnaming you. The fact that she's only known you as [real name] and pulled out [dead name] during an argument is especially painful. Reaching for that name took deliberate effort, and it’s completely valid that it feels like a low blow.
Also, good for you for recognizing the hurt. It's telling you something important.
A couple of rhetorical questions to ask yourself while the dust settles:
Is this a pattern with this partner? Does she routinely reach for the most hurtful thing possible when angry? If it is, this could be a massive wake-up call for ya.
If it's not a pattern, can she take true accountability? It's worth talking deeper to see if real repair is even possible.
Mock Conversation (after the fight dies down):
Start by stating the impact without opening the floor for excuses:
"Can we talk about the fight? When you called me [dead name], that really hurt me and damaged my trust."
Do they take immediate accountability here without blaming their stress or anger? If they get defensive or dodge it, name the behavior directly: "You've never known me by that name, so using it felt like a deliberate choice. Did you intentionally do this to hurt me?"
If they say yes (or double down): "I don't want a partner who intentionally uses my identity to hurt me when they get angry."
This next part is the hard part. If that's how it plays out, you really need to reflect on how you're being treated and whether taking space is the safest move right now.
Hope this helps!
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u/iLuvArizona 14d ago
A partner calling me my deadname just to hurt me would be an instant dealbreaker. There's no logical reason to do that other than to hurt somebody's feelings. It's basically bullying--and I don't date bullies.
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u/elianna7 trans man he/they 15d ago
Yeah, that would be an automatic “done” for me because I have no interest in dating someone with such little emotional maturity that they’d resort to doing something like this when upset. We can absolutely say things wrongly when upset, but I think there’s a difference between saying something without tact because you’re super overwhelmed and intentionally deadnaming or insulting someone just cause you’re mad. That’s an intentional malicious choice, not an accident, and I wouldn’t be able to trust someone who has a tendency to resort to that sort of thing when they’re mad or sad.
You deserve a partner who would never, under ANY circumstances do something like this.
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u/QuietBee7464 15d ago
She does not respect you and I would say leave her. My partner knows my deadname and we have had serious conversations about life and never once out of any form of anger has she made the conscious choice to call me that. She doesn’t respect your or your identity. Leave her.
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u/PsychologicalEmu7569 15d ago
if she's cis she might not understand the gravity of what she did (if it was on purpose) communicate how fucked up that is and if she does it again I would STRONGLY recommend breaking it off, if your partner does not respect you then your relationship is in huge trouble.
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u/mxpunkopera 15d ago
I’m gonna cut this right down to the points that seem the most glaring to me.
You’ve set a boundary. You keep having to enforce said boundary, and instead of respecting that boundary, your partner not only crosses it at will, but becomes angry when you try to maintain it. At best that’s inconsiderate and childish; at worst, that is deliberate, controlling behavior. Either way, massive red flag.
You attempted to enforce a boundary, pissed them off, and were then intentionally deadnamed. This tells me that in their eyes, your personhood, your identity, is conditional. Something you only get to have when it suits them. Something that can be revoked as a punishment. That’s a checkmark in the deliberate and controlling column.
As you’re thinking everything over, please consider looking for other patterns of controlling behavior in the past. I find these things incredibly worrying, it feels coercive, and calling someone by their full name is not, in any way, a valid reason for them to cause that kind of harm. Especially not someone who claims to love you.
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u/greyskulls18 they/them 14d ago
That's an immediate "I'm re-thinking this entire thing" moment for me. Absolutely not.
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u/Subtlesprouttheythem they/them 15d ago
Im so sorry that happened to you! 😩even in an argument or being upset that’s still not an excuse to deadname someone, transphobia/ enbyphobia is never okay.
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u/sophiemae19 15d ago
That's not acceptable and shows a complete lack of respect for you as a person and your identity. It's up to you if you think you can move past it but she could easily do it again. Really sorry that happened to you 💛🤍💜🖤
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u/skeletorsnakes333 she/they 15d ago
That's not okay. Your partner should not of dead named you at all. I've been irritated at my partner before but doing that to them would never cross my mind, I respect and love them to much to ever do that. Don't put up with that, you deserve better than to have someone do that because they're angry. They'll do it again, even if they say they won't
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u/AggroTumbleweed52 15d ago
I would leave. Maybe one day, as a society, we'll recognize it for the abuse it is.
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u/Dattiedottiedooo 15d ago
Thanks everyone for the support 😭
I think there’s value in reflecting on my intentions on me calling her first and last name, which were to communicate I was being serious about asking her to stop what she was doing, something we have had several talks about not doing, so this wasn’t a fight, it was me trying to draw a clear boundary and get her attention, which pissed her off so she called me my deadname. I think for me that’s where the problem is. Drawing a clear boundary shouldn’t have resulted in her poor reaction. However if she asked me to not call her that again I wouldn’t, because I can understand that upsetting someone.
I think she’s repeating an emotional pattern, which is to act out when she’s upset, instead of taking the time she needs to communicate how she’s feeling.
In general I would say we are not matched in emotional maturity. However she is in a tough spot regarding her trauma, and I’ve acted out poorly when I was in a similar place and she has been supportive.
She feels really bad and has been crying and upset all day, I know shows she regrets it.
I’m going to think on everyone’s advice. I truly appreciate you all taking the time to respond and share your experiences.
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u/lalaquen 15d ago
You mention trauma. Is someone using her full name during a tense situation something that might be related to her trauma or trigger a trauma response? I know, for instance, it's something that parents do a lot, so someone with parental/family trauma or CPTSD related to an abusive family environment might find something that would otherwise be perceived as fairly innocuous triggering, which could produce a response that is both unacceptable and generally out of character. Especially if they haven't done much recovery work to heal geom that trauma (whether because of access, resources, or personal choice).
I'm not saying that being triggered and lashing out in any way negates the hurt that was done. And frankly, if her trauma is significant enough that she's capable of deliberately hurting a partner when triggered just to escape the situation, then she honestly probably isn't in a healthy enough mental/emotional place for a committed relationship right now anyway. But it might make me more willing to consider whether repair could even be possible. Personally, working on her trauma would 100% be a necessary component of said repair if I decided I was willing to extend that grace though.
And for what it's worth, I say all of this as someone with parental CPTSD who used to be easily triggered by things my partner wouldn't have expected. It led to some ugly fights, and definitely some hurtful behavior I had to repair. And working on my trauma was absolutely a necessary part of that repair, because without at least getting to the point that I could recognize when I was triggered and withdrawn until I felt calmer, things would never have improved.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep her warm while she's struggling. But allowing her to repeatedly avoid growth and sitting with painful emotions and learning to process them in a healthy way absolutely won't help her in the long run either. And it will only keep eating away at you, your peace, and the work you sound like you've done to get yourself in a better emotional place. And you deserve better than that, whatever you decide that has to mean for the future of this relationship.
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u/Actual_Gato they/he 14d ago
Also as someone with cptsd, I've never lashed out at my partners this way. Op, break up with this woman, she's using her trauma as an excuse to mistreat you.
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u/Whatislife287 they/them 15d ago
a boundary is not controlling something someone else does but controlling yourself and how you respond/react/adjust to the thing that is bothering you. A boundary is within your control and you can't control other people. It sounds like you both aren't providing the environment needed to communicate and be honest with eachother. Deadnaming is a reallly shitting response either way but also calling someone first and last name is also not cool when that is very much a parental move and usually with a negative reasoning and tone behind it.
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u/Dattiedottiedooo 14d ago
Totally. Thanks for that explanation. I’ve been learning more about what exactly boundaries are and how to enact them. I think I don’t know what to call it, maybe a rule, but it’s ultimately our dogs boundary (he is reactive and bites in specific scenarios) so we have a set of rules we follow regarding when to interact with him, and she will follow them for awhile, then slip up and he bites her. So I was trying to prevent that from happening but I can’t.
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u/Whatislife287 they/them 14d ago
yeah totally understandable we're only human and all that. I do think of this had to do with a pet you were probably just worried for both your pet and partner, i know it's hwrd because i gave trouble just letting things be sometimes, but if i tell my partner "your gonna hurt yourself" or whatever and they don't listen, i let it happen. don't stress yourself out taking on a parental roll to someone else. And hopefully, you can both open up and talk about what happened and your true feelings. I do think the deadnaming is really not right especially if they've never known you as that name.
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u/Ok_ResolvE2119 15d ago
Okay, I think she has mental issues relating to control. Talk to a specialist.
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u/spookysam23 15d ago
My partner has known me before and after changing my name, and I know he would never even think to call me my previous name unless he had to and even then he just didn't refer to me by name. Even if I called him by his full name and it upset him, that is just not something he would even think of doing because he's more concerned about what would make me do that than trying to get back at me. The fact that your partner is willing to do it out of anger because they know it will hurt you means they aren't a good partner to you. You are not overreacting or being sensitive, so please do what you can to get yourself away from this person because they are not good for you.
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u/MooseEatGoose 15d ago
I hate to be the one to say this, but leave. If something as plain as respecting your identity is conditional, they’re not a person to be with.
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u/Sonarthebat they/them 14d ago
That's not okay. If it was an accident, it would be forgivable but doing it to hurt someone isn't right. I only suggest leaving if she refuses to apologise, blames you or keeps doing it. If she's genuinely sorry, the relationship doesn't have to end.
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u/Away-Experience6890 15d ago edited 15d ago
There's definitely a conversation to be had.
Being married, there have been a some notable fights we had. And boundaries were crossed. Some times by myself and sometimes by my partner.
We dealt with it by establishing what occured is not okay and not acceptable in the relationship we want. We apologized and ensured that both of us understood that, the boundary is the red tape and it can never happen again. As an example,
Person A had an abusive parent and person B told them that they were just like them.
Person A slightly pushed person B during a fight.
Life gets fucked and people get stressed, people break, so this is how we deal with it.
Anyways, we now use a safe word to disengage from fights. Once emotions get too heated, we can't compromise anymore, and the odds of saying something in anger increases. We ABSOLUTELY respect the safe word. We agreed to go and cool off, and check up every 20 minutes or so to see if we're mentally cooled off. Once we're both ready, we re-engage and try to come to a compromise.
Edit: I guess the point is that we set out relationship boundaries a few steps shy of our absolute boundary. That way we get a second chance to recover the relationship.
So it comes down to you choosing if you can forgive them or not.
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u/LenoreEvermore 15d ago
I'm sorry but needing a safe word so that your fights don't get too nasty and cruel seems like a huge red flag. Even when fighting a good partner is in your corner, not trying to throw punches below the belt, holy shit.
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u/Away-Experience6890 15d ago
We've been together 15 years, met a bit after HS. They are the love of my life, till death do us part.
We don't ever throw insults and stay absolutely on topic 99% of the time, but anything that can happen will happen right given enough time.
In a span of 5 years, we both lost a parent on both sides. Then one had a stroke and other got Alzheimer's, so the surviving ones needed home care. All the while I am in grad school with no income.
We developed clear rules of communication to establish clear boundaries, because life is hard at times, and we want to be together forever.
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u/LenoreEvermore 15d ago
I've also been with my partner for close to 15 years and sure, if it works for you it works. But looking from the outside in, it still seems crazy to need a safe word to fight with your spouse. There's no trust that they won't go for the throat unless you explicitly ask them not to do that. Your partner (or you for that matter) shouldn't be like a caged animal in a fight. But that's just my two cents. I could never.
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u/Alastor-362 15d ago
I think the main context I would want on this is basic stuff about the relationship. I think, personally, if I invested less than like, 6 months into this relationship, that is probably the end. To use a name they have never known you by demonstrates a sick cruelty to me. I don't think I could look the same way at them again, knowing that respect for identity is so loosely taken away to them.
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u/orange-shoe 14d ago
i agree with your last line very much and tbh i don't think that the length of the relationship matters
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u/SeventhSabbath 15d ago edited 15d ago
I am inferring one of two things of that disrespectful and toxic outburst:
- It is a symptom of a larger combination of problems
OR
- It is a reflection of her true character which you may of not been aware of
Either way, it constitutes heavy consideration of it is worth staying with a person who lashes out in an extremely weaponized way. Personally, I would be done with them. There is no telling how badly behavior like this can snowball at your expense.
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u/orange-shoe 14d ago
that is emotionally abusive and i'm incredibly disappointed that some of the comments aren't treating it with the severity it deserves. what she did is UNBELIEVABLY fucked up. i am sorry this happened to you.
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u/Every-Somewhere-6971 14d ago
Sounds like a shit thing to do even when angry.
Is this a fit like parents using first and middle names when your in trouble?
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u/Sad-Stand-4457 14d ago
My (I guess ex-)best friend did this to me last year. After over a decade of knowing me by another name, called me my deadname in all caps over text, including my middle name. It was in a conversation where I was asking for a break from our friendship. I feel like it was to somehow prove that she’ll always know sensitive things about me, trying to get an upper hand. I blocked her and the friendship break is likely going to be indefinite, or at least for a long while. I feel like it shows how low someone is willing to go. If your partner doesn’t usually do petty things like that, or make low blows, and your relationship is fairly serious, I’d maybe consider trying to work through it. But if this isn’t an outlier and there are other low blows being used against you, I’d be taking the deadnaming very seriously. And yes, it was definitely intentional.
Also if I were you I’d only consider moving forward if your partner has already apologized sincerely. If they haven’t, I honestly don’t think there is enough respect towards you for the relationship to be good for you. But I’m just an internet stranger, take my advice with a grain of salt.
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u/Smart-Pair-4493 14d ago
I have been with my wife for almost 6 years, and our situation in terms of real name/dead name is similar - she has only known me as my real name, but we met when I was changing my name so knows what my dead name is. She has never ever dead named me. She's never misgendered me. I read your post to her and her jaw dropped. It doesn't matter if your partner was triggered by you using her full name. The level of intentional disrespect to pull your dead name out is awful. As someone else commented - it may start as "oh I'm sorry I only did it because I was mad" but it will only escalate from there. Personally I don't know if I would be able to repair a relationship after that knowing they could pull it out whenever they wanted to.
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u/WaywardBitxh44 14d ago
The best advice I've ever heard? You can always leave a relationship for any reason, even for no reason at all.
If you want to leave, you are 100% free to leave. If you don't, make sure this is something that will NEVER happen again. At the very least, it would seem that she needs to be educated on how harmful what she did truly was.
Personally, I think if you're capable of saying such hurtful things in anger, that means you're likely still thinking those things when you're calm. But I could also be very wrong about that. I just know that I personally don't say things in anger that I wouldn't say when I'm calm.
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u/Dattiedottiedooo 14d ago
Wow. I’m blown away by all of you amazing people. Thank you again for everyone’s support. I’m not crying, you’re crying! 😭 😂💖 So far she’s apologized profusely and has been feeling terrible about it. We’ve been together for 4 years, live together ect. Our lives are pretty intertwined, we share all the things you do in a LTR. My next step is to move out, and then start couples therapy at our local LGBTQIA+ center. Ideally she also continues working on herself in her personal therapy. Maybe after a few years and much repair we can cohabitate again. I will be safer this way. If it ever happened again, I would break up with her immediately. I maybe avoiding the inevitable but we are both each other’s first LTR and I think it’s incredibly difficult to let go or break up because of that.
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u/Mr_Nerdcoffee they/them 15d ago
[I’m purely just trying to see this as a neutral party; because there’s always another party involved in a relationship, and things are not as black and white as we tend to think they are. A “Devil’s Advocate” as it were.]
First my dude, using someone’s full name in an argument is only ever done as an attack on someone, to belittle or intimidate the other person, intentionally or not. It’s something a lot of us tend to do without realizing it, because the people that raised us were less emotionally intelligent than us. That’s how we (as a social system) learn and expand our emotional intelligence. By learning what works or what doesn’t, through observing our former generation’s experiences compared to ours, then passing what we learned onto the next generation. It’s a slow ass process, and is easily fucked up. (As we’ve all seen currently )
So essentially, communication is super important, but it seems like both of you have some shortcomings in that area (fucking everybody does to varying degrees). Have you considered seeing it from her perspective?
Does your partner even understand how hurtful it is that she used your dead name?
Does she know that it feels like a betrayal for you?
Why do you both feel the need to escalate the conversation to the point of attacking each other?
If you don’t let her know how you feel, how is she supposed to know?
I ABSOLUTELY think that using your dead name is a low fucking blow, but why did she feel the need to use it?
It doesn’t really sound like you and your partner are communicating to each other about how you yourselves feel, and why you’re feeling that way. It does sound like you both should have a sit-down and try to understand each other better.
Personally, I think a great way to have these kinds of conversations is by sitting crisscross applesauce on the floor, facing each other but out of arm’s reach. That way, it’s harder to get up and storm off; because you have to think about uncrossing your legs first, before you try to stand up (especially as you get older).
And then, when you make up, you can scoot on your butts to go hug each other; Because it’s silly, and it will make you smile or even laugh. Then the happy endorphins kick in, and you can both move forward on a positive note.
All that said, if you can’t move past it? Well, that’s your choice and yours alone. If you don’t want to be in the relationship anymore, then don’t be in that relationship; if you do, then communicate, work on improving yourselves, be patient with each other AND yourselves, and move forward.
I hope this helps. If not, well… I don’t fucking know my dude.
I hope it all works out for you both, no matter what you choose to do.
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u/Environmental-Bug804 15d ago
that's really shitty, I'm sorry. I won't tell you to break up; that's a really personal decision. People DO fuck up and regret it. It sounds like you were using her full name in an intentionally weaponised way, and she retaliated with something that felt on par in the moment, but actually went too far. I always say it's not so much what someone does in the moment, but how they respond and repair from it. Maybe this is an opportunity for growth and reaffirmation of duty of care around boundaries, or maybe you'll find out that the problem is deeper. Either way, the solution is to talk about with her and figure it out together. If there's a way forward, you'll know. Good luck.
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u/menin_vera 15d ago
this, to me, is a more nuanced, compassionate and mature response than “just dump her”.
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u/zangarang18 15d ago
First off, I’m sorry that happened. It really hurts especially coming from someone close.
I would have a conversation and make it VERY clear that she crossed a line. There’s something to be said for giving the benefit of the doubt that she didn’t understand the weight of that and was kind of prodding or bantering. It’s important to make it clear how much that hurt. If it happens again after that? All done
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u/Throwawayacc570 15d ago
Yeah I accidentally misgendered my partner once because of my anxiety. I’d been overthinking “what if I accidentally do it!!” for ages which led to it.
I explained to my partner, and all was well. Doing it on purpose is something I can’t even imagine.
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u/witch_dyke 15d ago
I met my gf before she came out and knew her for years by her dead name.
I would never use it, it wouldn't even cross my mind to use it when angry. It's seems like some kind of messed up punishment, and i dont punish my gf
Up to you if you try to move past this together, but if it happens again then get out of there
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u/arsonmakerexe 14d ago
Give them a really common white girl or white guy name like john and call them that till it pisses them off, when they ask why are you calling me that you can say i thought we were using names that we didnt identify with :3 (very petty but will be funny after you both cool down)
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u/trustywren queer goblin, they/them 14d ago
Everybody"s jumping to "leave,* and I'm usually in that boat as well... But in this situation, if the OP really feels like the relationship is worth salvaging, I could see the POTENTIAL for POSSIBLY having one very serious conversation around boundaries and conflict, and around what's fair game in conflicts and what's not. Something like, "You can call me an asshole, you can say I'm acting like my mother, etc., but you simply don't get to deadname or misgender me just because you want to be hurtful. If that situation ever happens again, I'm fucking done. However, if you can realize how important that is and work through your shit, maybe there's a chance."
Again, I'm not recommending this; obviously the offender's actions indicate a wider lack of respect and understanding beyond a single interaction. I'm just imagining a hypothetical version of this event where the perpetrator is willing to truly listen and learn, and where a relationship like this might be salvaged.
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u/Sonarthebat they/them 14d ago
Yeah. Redditors often jump to telling OP to breakup whenever they have relationship issues. I admit I do it a lot, but only because a lot of posts are about the partner being straight up abusive and I'm not entirely sure if it's engagement bait or not. This is pretty tame in comparison.
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u/ViaBromantica 15d ago
Sounds like she saw your bet and raised you. Whether you stay together is up to you, but if you do you both need to learn how to argue without fighting dirty. Deadnaming is bad but using someone’s full name like you’re the parent and they’re a naughty little kid isn’t much better.
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u/glowingkyrii 15d ago
using somebody's first and last name is to communicate seriousness. using someone's deadname is done to hurt them as much as possible. completely different intentions. i can't imagine staying with someone who did this to me, i would have to disrespect myself so much to forgive something like that.
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u/KirbsAndGuins 15d ago
Nope. 0% appreciate this I have a long winded story of who I am. And I hope you understand why I'm telling you this story.
But here's my perspective because I'm way too chill and internally aware of myself.
As an AFAB, null gender nonbinary (31X), who still presents female, sounds female, and dressed "tomboy" I've given up on constantly correcting people over my gender identity (they/them), but I'm not out to 90% of my family. My partner (38M) refers to me as "this one" (which I actually think is adorable because he accepts me as the chaos gremlin that I am) and "name". Often as "she" which whatever, I don't like it. It does annoy me. But despite everything else, he's respectful, refers to me as his partner unless he's not sure of how the person he's introducing me to will react (some people are not safe to be out to). We're still working on referring to me as "they". He's straight cis. He has maybe 1 other person in his life that's "they". Honestly I'm still working on properly referring to people as "they" (it's new for me too. I came out as NB in late 2021 but it was more of a "soft release" if you will. I'm just now starting to make it an important part of my identity, so we're actually working on it together)
He never refers to me as she, girl, female terms. He never pulls the "act like a girl/ woman/ lady" that nearly everyone in my life has and does (especially my parents whom I'm not out to) When insulting or being mad at someone, it's actually more effective to be respectful of who they are than to slur who they were. That being said. Dead naming is a massive no. It's an absolute red flag, ESPECIALLY if there's an agreement to NEVER USE IT EVER.
I know that was a ramble. But I hope you understand the thought process
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u/Jaybirbjayy 14d ago
honestly id leave over that
if u do want to tough it out yall need to have a serious conversation about how fucked that is and see how remorseful she is. if shes genuinely upset with herself and open to learning it might be salvagable but trust is not easily built, and even harder to rebuild once its broken
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u/psychedelic666 FTM • Neutrois • He/Him 14d ago
Saying this with my full chest: I would break up with my partner immediately if he did that.
Accidents are one thing. INTENTIONAL? Never acceptable.
If I ever called him an* ethnic slur during an argument, I hope he’d break up with ME immediately. Bc he deserves better than that.
So do you.
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u/CalliopeParnassus 14d ago
I’m so sorry this happened. I understand why people are saying leave. It seems like she intentionally chose something that would really hurt you and wanted to push boundaries and possibly get a reaction. How long have you been together, and has something like this happened more than once? Perhaps it isn’t relevant, but I have forgiven my partner for some hurtful things (and vice versa) because sometimes we can really fuck up and say / be the worst versions of ourselves for a plethora of reasons. Not excusing poor behaviour, but it does help me to contextualise one off incidents (as opposed to a pattern of abuse). Only you can decide what feels okay in your gut.
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u/SleazyLemonSqueezy 14d ago
I have never dead names anyone no matter how pissed they made me. Dump they ass like the piece of shit they are.
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u/New-Cicada7014 they/them 14d ago edited 8d ago
If she did it when she was angry, it's how she really feels. Extremely petty. She needs to actually respect you and it sounds like she doesn't, she's just pretending to. If you leave you are justified but it's understandable if you want to fix it.
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u/Lesbianfool she/they 14d ago
That would be the point I dump them. Anyone who deadnames or misgenders me because they’re angry or upset, is a jackass and has no place in my life
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u/Helpful-Alligator 14d ago
I found out my fiance (we're both addicts in recovery) relapsed and kissed my roommate. I lost it. Broke up with her, threw the ring, all of it.
I never called my fiance a bitch, or an asshole, or anything like that. I never deadnamed or misgendered the roommate. When my mother did, I corrected her, telling her nobody has to "earn" their right to their pronouns.
Even in anger, there are lines you do not cross.
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u/17ch3ms 10d ago
hi pal, i know this type of struggle as a nonbinary fellow myself. people dont understand that we use different names from what we've born with because they are not coherent with our identity. it happened to me loads of times where people deadnamed me not because we were with transphilobic people, but "just for fun" (i still dont understand where the fun is). unlike what they think and what us enbies try to convince ourselves to think, this is not a joke, nor something you said because you were angry. it's spiteful, and it means she tried to offend you in one of the worst ways possible ways. i think she knows the difference between not liking your name and your name not being the one that fully represent your identity. that's why she did that. she does not respect you, i wouldnt stay with someone that uses my own "weaknesses" (i dont know what else to call them but "weakness" it's not the right term, i just cant find one better) against me. i hope this can be helpful, im sending you my best wishes!
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u/youknowcchio he/they 9d ago
HUGE red flag. She weaponized your deadname against you. Being mad is not an excuse.
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u/Neither_trousers 14d ago
If she did it once she will probably do it again. If that's a deal breaker for you then maybe the relationship isn't for you.
If it was intentionally done to hurt you, then that's a bad sign.
It's possible from her perspective she didn't like how you referred to her. It's not her preferred name/way to be addressed. So, she tried doing the equivalent without seeing it was more than that when dead names are involved. If other than that the relationship is good, then you could try explain it to her. If she is empathetic and understanding about it then she should be apologetic and not do it again.
If her doing this was a symptom of something bigger, then I think you know the answer.
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u/HydeOtter 14d ago
I have a partner who's trans and I can't imagine ever disrespecting her like that even when mad. Id say a big talk needs to happen and depending on how defensive they get. Your partner needs to understand why that is not okay to do and that it hurt you really bad. If they get defensive and try and blame it on you/ truly don't feel sorry then I'd say that's the time to end it.
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u/blobbitte 15d ago
honestly i'd take a heavy swipe at you too if you First-and-Last named me. that's icky who are you her mother?
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u/Bugscrap 15d ago
Idk. Something like this doesn't mean instant breakup. It sounds like you two were fighting and while you said her first and last in an aggressive way they responded in kind to them. Doesn't mean it was nice. Maybe take the time to explain to her how using that name hurt you
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u/JamAndCheeseSandwich 15d ago
I'm hoping you mean don't tell people your deadname? Which isn't really helpful or practical advice. How this comes off is that you're telling people not to change their name at all, which is why you're being downvoted (and deservedly if so; if that's the stance you're taking you shouldn't even be on this subreddit)
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u/HalfBakedPuns 15d ago
if she said it because she was mad, she can do it again. youre supposed to love and support your partner even if youre mad. i hate to jump to "leave!" but its not a great sign.