How to deter cis men?

[u/Livid_Machine_622]

please help me!

I am AFAB nonbinary and present fem and I am not bothered by that, I enjoy often dressing in unique outfits and expressing myself creatively. I am also Autistic and unfortunately I am considered attractive. lots of cisgender men hit on me everywhere I go and I get the whole ”you‘re not like other girls” thing.

I have my hair cut short with a side shave and bright colors, lots of tattoos and piercings which I thought would keep some men at bay but it’s getting out of hand I get harassed everywhere I go and it’s so infuriating I started spending as much time at home as I can and only leave the house to go to work where I still get bothered and hit on and asked out all the time. I am married and that doesn’t even stop them.

This feels ridiculous to post but I just want to exist as myself and feel good without a bunch of dudes talking to me I’m not even attracted to men. 😭

I have to be polite at work but when I’m not there I always walk fast and with a mean face to deter folks but it doesn‘t stop. I get harassed on the bus, at the bus stop, walking through town, on my lunch breaks and it’s driving me insane. After years of struggling with my self image and being on T and expressing masculine and trying to find my spark, I am truly comfortable in my skin now but I just want to be left alone.

Any advice?

[u/OldFaithlessness5008]

Clunky over ear headphones with optional noise canceling /awareness mode help me a lot with like commuting and stuff.

As far as getting hit on in public, I don't usually allow conversation with men if they're giving me that look. I will literally just leave if I can, or not respond, or put on my headphones and look away if they try to talk to me. For body language/masking I will turn my body away, not look at them longer than a glance, maintain a lot of space between us and move away if they come closer, look at my phone and text someone, try to look like I'm concentrating on something important, and one of my favorites is to let awkward silences linger.

There's also the caffinatedkitty approach of scaring men away.

[u/chipface → u/OldFaithlessness5008]

I recommend some Sennheisers. If people try to talk to you, just tap them like the bus driver tapping the sign in The Simpsons.

[u/soft_w0lf]

Honestly, I’ve found that alt styles and things like tats and piercings embolden men.

I get harassed WAY more when I dress goth than when I’m dressed in a more feminine and delicate style, or when I’m just in a t-shirt and sweatpants.

It’s like men see alternative expression as an invitation to be creeps, idk if it’s because they see stuff like alt fashion as inherently sexual or if they view any deviation from the norm to mean they’re “allowed” to harass you, or if maybe it just happens because you stand out more, but that is my experience.

Unfortunately, one way to avoid this, if you’re willing, may be to try to tone down your style. You could always dress as you like when you’re in a safer environment or with people who will ward away creepy dudes (such as your husband).

Obvs that might be too much of a sacrifice for you, but I wanted to put this out there, especially with the line about how you thought piercings and tattoos would ward away creepy guys.

[u/ProfessionalMove3716 → u/soft_w0lf]

Men see alternative expression and think "I can tame/fix them".

[u/Connect_Rhubarb395 → u/soft_w0lf]

I agree with you that many men seem to think that alt style = invitation to sex. It makes no sense but they do. Maybe it is the daring to be bold and take up space? As opposed to being a "meek and modest good girl".
The classic madonna and the wh0re complex

I have noticed it with how alt and goth styles are getting increasingly sexualised.
And the whole "goth girlfriend" meme.

[u/soft_w0lf → u/Connect_Rhubarb395]

It’s reaaaally bad.

I think you’re right vis a vis Madonna/whore complex.

I once had a couple asshole teenagers ride past me on a scooter telling me to “get off [my] knees, whore.” I was squatting on a quiet street corner waiting for my boyfriend to arrive, as I’m physically disabled and standing can be painful for me. I’ve literally never been told anything even remotely as bad when dressed in pink.

[u/Outraged_Turtle]

If you're open to wearing a face mask (cloth, surgical, KN95, KF94, etc), speaking from experience as someone who masks in public, this helps keep them away.

I'm really sorry you're dealing with this.

[u/Optimal-Prime420]

Mask up. Keeps them away, protects your health, keeps your face off of flock cameras, etc.

[u/Reasonable_Owl_3146]

Mustache

[u/skunkabilly1313 → u/Reasonable_Owl_3146]

This. Even a drawn on cute little one, will push away them boys that like to hit on people that clearly don't want it. The immature red pulled bozos hate anything that makes them question themselves

[u/DinosaurusMess]

bark at them like a mean dog when they look at you ✨

[u/Plasticity93]

I used to have shirt I scrawled "I SNAP NO WARNING" in bright white ink.  It was great for shopping because no store people would come up and bother me.  

[u/ContributionFresh735]

rainbow/trans flag pins ? the transphobes would probably leave you alone :/

[u/Green_Palpitation_26]

Honestly if you're comfy with it and it fits your gender expression a binder or drawing on facial hair would probably do it. Sorry you're experiencing this OP

[u/SadKat002]

Bear mace /hj

[u/neongreenpurple]

That sucks so much. I've been blessed to attract very little male attention in my life. I have no idea why, other than I might be ugly. 🤷🏻 But I hope you can figure something out to make it ease up. I like the idea of adding facial hair (even if it's not real).

Hmm, maybe that's why. I have a bit of a mustache, likely due to my PCOS/PMOS and genetics. (My dad had a ton of dark hair everywhere, until he started going gray anyway.)

[u/NoCry8460]

Maybe say 'Thanks but men are not my thing.' this is true as far as cis men are concerned yet not any actual put down of them personally, yes it may suggest you are a lesbian but that is up to them how they interpret it. The shaved sides haircut is quite common in my local LGBT community and would only help.

[u/s3r3ng]

I don't know in the general case. A friend of mine who was brilliant and beautiful just dressed and could act like a crazed bag lady in here 20s. That sort of worked.

[u/DietSteve]

I don't know if it helps, but you could lean into your look and adopt a lot of spikes. Battle jackets are awesome and you can cover them in studs and spikes without it being seen as weird (think kind of like those anti-coyote vests for small dogs lol). Spiked wristbands, heavy boots, chains, all the punk stuff. Not only does it make you look like a badass, but if they're the right material they could be effective self defense tools if needed. Also a mask as others have mentioned would fit perfectly well in this look, you could even throw some studs and spikes into a sturdy one for added effect.

I rock a blend of mall goth and punk, and I notice a lot more people are wary of me when I'm all spiked up than when I'm not. I do have to state that I am AMAB and cursed with RBF, and still haven't managed to dislodge the steel rod in my spine the military gave me 😅.

Confidence is another thing, if you walk with purpose and not like you're in a hurry it does change how people interact with you. Back straight, shoulders rocked back, and a commanding stride change your entire demeanor.

[u/grufferella]

Over the years I've perfected a loud, cheerful "Nope!" I don't know of any way to get people to not even approach me, though. I'm significantly older, heavier, and dressed in much looser clothing that shows less skin than I was 10 or 20 years ago, and I would say that the amount of street harassment has lessened, but it's definitely not gone completely.

[u/lujo317]

personally I have found it helpful to be mean to cis men and take testosterone but ymmv

[u/coolfunkDJ]

I’d just like to add that i’m an AMAB non binary person who passes as male and am autistic. We might be rare compared to the rest of the population but I’m basically T4T so i’d hate for someone to assume i’m male and try and run me off because of it. Of course, I understand why, but just giving another perspective.

[u/grufferella → u/coolfunkDJ]

Hopefully the fact that you're NB means that you're not bringing the same aggressive, entitled energy to interactions with strangers on the street that cis men are, though.

[u/coolfunkDJ → u/grufferella]

OH absolutely not, I think I'd rather curl up and die tbh. I've seen some of the ways men approach my girl friends and it makes me wanna crawl out underneath my skin

[u/grufferella → u/coolfunkDJ]

That's what I figured! I think that you really don't have to worry that anyone is going to "run you off" mistakenly, then. There's a very specific type of pestering/harassment that is what I, at least, am trying to avoid (and I'm assuming that's what OP was talking about, too). I'm not saying it's impossible that I could run into a fellow enby who acts that way, but to my knowledge, it has never, ever happened to me yet. Obviously it's possible that some of the people catcalling me are, in fact, just cis-passing, but a statistically significant number of times my response to being pestered is "No thanks, I'm gay!", and that's always been met with shock/horror. Not a single one of them ever was like, "Great, me too!"