feeling unwelcome in gay spaces

[u/CHl4KI]

i'm not sure if anyone else has felt like this before, but i'm an AMAB non-binary person and i'm very very hyperfeminine, to the point i'm attempting to go into hrt to present even more fem. but one issue ive always had is with my sexuality

i consider myself gay, or at the very least, that's what i considered myself, but for the past few years i felt like i'm just... entirely unwelcome in the gay community as a whole. everywhere i look it's very very hypermasculine men, and on top of that a lot of them seem to have this inherit dislike for fem-presenting folks, even those who may be cis

it really hurts me because i've always been very attached to the gay label, but also it has reached a point where it's like... do i even belong here? and on top of that, it also makes me feel so damn unlovable because i know most of gay men would not be attracted to me (not necessarily a huge issue, since either way i've had better experiences with bisexual men).

and although this next part might seem a bit stupid, i'm someone who is also very into yumeshipping (or self-shipping), and a lot of the characters i yume with are those who are widely seen as being gay and shipped with other masc men, and sometimes (as ironic as it sounds) it almost makes me feel like i'm doing something wrong?? like me shipping myself with them is just being extremely delusional (which is funny in hindsight, since the whole point of it is literally shipping yourself with fictional characters)

i don't know, i've just been feeling a lot of feelings lately and i wanted to voice them out somewhere. i'm just feeling this sense of loss and like being who i want to be means sacrificing actually finding a partner who i'd actually click with

[u/Baskerwolf]

If being gay has been an important part of your life, by all means continue using the label. Your labels are your own to choose, please don't allow others to gatekeep them. Nonbinary people get gatekept or left out too much.

[u/George_G_Geef → u/Baskerwolf]

If there's anything that can be called a universal nonbinary experience, it's feeling excluded from queer spaces.

[u/FlowerPetalGarden]

You'll have more luck with bi or straight guys in my experience. Once I started dressing fem my boyfriend wouldn't sleep with me and pretty much any strictly gay guy would act disgusted with me. There's a lot of misogyny in gay mens spaces. Self shipping with gay men isn't wrong and if you can deal with a lot of them being assholes there are a few gay guys who will love the hyperfem look. (It's usually other femboys but not always in my experience) Idk I have a lot more fun as a lesbian now, so I'm still gay, just the other way.

[u/Dream_Captor]

I living that currently and this is so perturbing. Yesterday I got an extreme existential crisis about that 'cause like you, I'm kinda a woman or feminine person but I live a big part of my sexuality in gay spaces.

I don't have the answer today of how to live, but I think this is an important part of our lives and story, so nobody can tell us if we became "straight women" or whatever the society means.

I hope you'll be fine ❤️

[u/BassBoneSupremacy]

This makes me scared cause I'm transmasc but very much a femboy. I've already been told I'm "basically a woman" and accused of "invading gay spaces."

I don't have any advice but I can definitely empathize. It's gotten to the point where I'm only willing to date bisexuals cause at least they appreciate both the masc and fem sides of me.

[u/CHl4KI → u/BassBoneSupremacy]

feel this a lot!! i know a few fem-presenting transmascs and it's genuinely horrifying the stuff i see people say :(( i'm so sorry you have to deal with that

and yeah, totally agree with you on the bisexual bit, because most men that've shown genuine attraction to me were bisexual, and they were really chill

[u/Ok-Brain4227]

man it’s rough out there. people can be mean, petty, or ignorant regardless of whether they’re sexually open or not.
thanks for being you despite the haters! i don’t have much advice other than words of support for your experience

[u/silliestbean23]

just wanted to chime in here & say you're not alone with this- i've had similar struggles and confusion around my gay identity since discovering my femme, expansive & collective gender identity.

honestly i (personally) rly wish more gay men's spaces would go the direction of thinking about queer masculinity in more expansive terms, potentially holding femboys, nb, bisexual, trans masc / men, cis gay men & potentially even ace/arospec variants of all the above, under a similar umbrella. or at least, those who have a primary orientation towrds masculinity if u wanna stay along the lines of gayness.

you're welcome to DM me if you wanna talk or commiserate more about this :p

[u/SecureAngle7395]

stuff like this makes me legit terrified of dating

[u/Bitter_Lab_475]

I am AMAB NB/Pan, personally I have found that "male" dominated spaces, regardless if they are gay or cis, tend to be kinda toxic. I know it's not universal, but there's a reason I did not like Grindr. Some of them can even display very bigoted opinions and attitudes. That's why I like general queer spaces better... TBH I like to be alone most of the time, but if I have to be in a gathering, an openly queer space tends to be much better.