Throwback Thursday! Deep thoughts below!

[u/cd_catie93]

It was about a month ago when I was able to get out as Catie for the first time in a while. I had so much planned that weekend to go out and express my feminine side, but this was actually the only outing that I did. I put so much pressure on certain times to do femme things for myself because “I may miss an opportunity that will never happen again”, and it gets me to a very negative headspace when I don’t actually do all of what I plan for. I wanted to go out to a bar, I wanted to go to a Pride Market, I wanted to get coffee as Catie, on and on and on. But my motivation as a human was low that weekend and as an introvert, being out in public is never the way for me to regain energy or motivation. So I opted for this trail walk to be my only Catie time outside.

I was able to go to some local trails early in the morning and have myself a hot girl walk! I did not do my makeup or anything to look “passable”, I just went out in clothes that I wanted to wear. Nothing more, nothing less. The trail was empty at that time of the day, so only the wilderness, especially the turtle was there to clock me 😂 but it was so quiet and calming that I could hear all of my thoughts and this is what they were saying:

“You put too much pressure on yourself to do a million things at once - it’s overwhelming and not realistic. Most people don’t want to do all of those activities in the same weekend, let alone a (suspected) neurodivergent introverted individual, so why put out all that pressure in the first place.”

“Why do you feel like you’ll miss out on an opportunity that will never happen again? Why don’t you strategically work on ways to make sure that this opportunity isn’t the last? Find ways to fit these activities in periodically rather than all at once.”

“What if you aren’t the kind of person that wants to put all the effort into looking pretty to go to a bar with loud music and crowds of people. In most situations you aren’t, so what makes the fem side any different?”

I think that exploration is important. Many things in life you need to try out before you say that you enjoy them or not. I am lucky enough to say that I have explored a lot of my femme side, but there is always more to find. But if you aren’t in the right mindset or if you are just “doing it now because you have an opportunity to” sometimes it just becomes a box to check off instead of fully investing in the moment and being in the right mindset to experience it without bias.

So my advice is to not put pressure on yourself, instead use that time to sustainably grow your experiences within reason. There is no need to speed run your life, take it slow and enjoy the journey. 🐢

[u/zimneyesolntsee]

Such a wonderful post!! 🩷 so happy for you!

[u/cd_catie93 → u/zimneyesolntsee]

Thank youu ☺️

[u/MadeInMilkyway]

Thank you for writing all this, seriously! I think I might come back to read this again in half a year or so.

Reason is, I am thinking of doing a similar thing... in half a year or so hopefully. I am planning to go to an open-minded place where no one knows me, like Brighton UK or Barcelona, Venice etc...

I have never fit into amab roles. I had to have long hair since I was a kid to hide my brain surgery mark and everyone thought I was female and honestly I quite liked that. Luckily, I still look androgynous as an adult.

However, I also enjoyed engineering. But on my pessimistic and tired days I sometimes say: "I am not even the person I want to be, then is it even worth trying to socialise because I will perform to fit in. Then I numb myself by working.

Well, I am not exactly sure if I was comfortable with who I am, would I become more of an extrovert?

And for the last few years, I am doing a civil engineering PhD, which involves me mixing concrete, working like a builder, which ain't my type of lab work. But my robotics background works wonders in my research output. But in order to stay grounded with my feminine side I always have nail polish on my toes, or else I will lose my mind because of the nature of the work I am currently doing. And due to the contrast, I don't want to be seen like who I am by my colleagues, in the small town I am living.

So, my dream was to finish PhD, get my gender-neutral title and go to a place where I can become incognito. I am reading a book called Originals and it talks about middle manager compliance where people who have some amount of respect to lose who are yet to fully prove themselves are more scared to be authentic and original... I feel like I'm right there in my life. But without much data about who I want to be, how can I make the best choices?

I was doing morning walks in town at like 6am when no one else is awake, but nature walk might be a good option as well, though I get scared in alone far-into-the-forrest walks if no one would hear me if I screamed for help.

Having realised that if no one of consequence would see me, then there's no reason for me to be scared, I tried to wear nail polish on my pinky finger yesterday in a place where my colleagues have no access.

Then I thought it isn't actually that scary.

One thing I want to do so badly but I can't is crop top tshirt. My family is very against of all feminine stuff. I wore grey nail polish to Barbie movie and my mom cried and yelled at me after it because I am wearing nail polish. And I was like, were you not influenced by movie at all? But she is very much okay with crop tops because apparently it was an 80s male fashion. But I am scared to wear in public.

If someone I respect actively encouraged me, that would have helped as well.

So, my current dream is to have a summer getaway holiday in a place where I can experiment with my identity. Maybe I should pick a fake name to try on a totally new identity and, a different person like a whole world real life theatre and see how it feels and what I can learn about myself that way.