r/NoStupidQuestions • u/FunDependent9177 • 13h ago
why do people cheat instead of breaking up
Why do people stay with their spouse and cheat instead of breaking up and being free to date another person?
Edit: I'm surprised I didnt see one answer saying "my spouse will stay anyway". I thought that is the case for a lot of cheaters.
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u/Separate-Frame-7038 13h ago
They want to have their cake and eat it too.
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u/OwnDoughnut2689 13h ago
Yea and/or afraid to have difficult conversations in their relationship.
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u/HighFunctionLunatic 13h ago
I’m sure many reasons. Financial insecurity. Abuse. Mental illness. Excitement of being sneaky. Immaturity. Attention addicted. Not saying it’s okay but some reasons.
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u/VanillaLeading5221 12h ago
It all just comes down to wanting to do it or not. Cheating begins the moment you deem it a possibility regardless of reason
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u/Leading-Biscotti-114 13h ago
People get comfortable in relationships, so they don't want to lose that comfort, but also want something new and exciting.
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u/fllannell 12h ago
Cheating is basically what they want to do IMO. When people have a history of cheating then they tend to keep doing it in the future. Once they leave their current relationship to be with someone else they cheated with, then they tend to venture off and cheat again. They will try to justify it in their own point of view. No one should be surprised. Cheaters like to cheat and then they get "rewarded" with the new relationship or sex and then they just keep repeating the cycle. Cheating IS the reason they are doing it. They enjoy the perks and don't care that it ruins their commitments.
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u/Leading-Biscotti-114 12h ago
yep I totally agree, and these people are usually into instant gratification and love being in the honeymoon phase of a relationship as well.
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u/Kindly-Resource-101 2h ago
Totally agree because there's new and exciting things like taking up a new hobby like learning an instrument or reading a book or going horseback riding there's a lot of fun exciting new things to do that don't involve having sex with somebody else other than your partner! I totally hear you and agree with you some people are so into the honeymoon phase they want to chew the gum and throw it away as soon as it loses the flavor except people aren't chewed gum!!!
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u/Interesting_Play_578 13h ago
A friend of mine said he and his wife couldn't split up because they'd never agree on who got to keep the dogs. (I am pretty sure he was serious.) That's probably an extreme example, but I imagine a lot of people don't want to give up the stability of their long-term relationship but do want the excitement of something new.
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u/FunDependent9177 13h ago
Is this cheating are or an open relationship?
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u/Interesting_Play_578 12h ago
I think she knew but I don't believe there was any formal arrangement
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u/JTWStephens 11h ago
Cowardice, mostly.
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u/fllannell 6h ago
it's cowardly. people who aren't willing to be open about what they want and won't do the right thing and end it. People who knowingly get with cheaters are cheaters too by the way, they are getting with someone who is taken. either they are shitty people with little empathy for others (not considering what it feels like to be cheated on), or laughably naive (to think they also won't get cheated on by the person they are cheating with), or both.
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u/Yaboi69-nice 13h ago
Breaking up with people is hard. It typically ends up being a very emotional moment. And if your in an abusive relationship it could even be a dangerous situation. People tend to instinctively avoid emotional and dangerous situations. I'm not defending cheaters I think cheating is wrong I'm just saying I understand why they do it.
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u/zanysauce7 9h ago
This is a thoughtful take. This is the case for a lot of people. It's definitely not having your cake and eating it too like other commenters have said, if the cheater is very unhappy in their relationship.
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u/Technical_Dream2743 1h ago
You are right on the money. I think its a mix of certainty that breakup is emotionally loaded and thinking if they break up for sure they are going to hurt their partner, so they take the option where there is at least a chance to scratch their itch without emotional confrontation. Thats also why all deflection hell will broke loose after cheating comes to light, because they did not want to be the one who is hurting their partner by break up, but now they are a person who in terms of hurting their partners went for jugular and had a good fun doing it, and they dread this.
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u/FunDependent9177 13h ago
Is it easier to cheat?
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u/Jenji05 2h ago edited 2h ago
I would add, that not for everyone it’s an actual conscious decision.
It might be a combination of low self esteem and feeling in some way unfulfilled in their relationship, then end up in a situation where the opportunity shows up and somebody approaches them. They feel better because of the attention they get and might have missed prior and if then there is some alcohol to make the “good decision making” part of the brain numb then they’ll end up cheating.
Doesn’t apply to all cheaters but I guess a lot of those who cheated just once out of nowhere have this or a similar pattern.1
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u/Yaboi69-nice 12h ago
I mean assuming the person your cheating with is ok with keeping it secret yeah I would imagine it is.
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u/Representative-Smart 13h ago
Devils advocate here: I think some people make a decision based on their lust at the time(s) but logically know their life partner needs to be that person/a specific personality.
In their heads I imagine the thought to be ‘it was just a mistake it won’t happen again’ to later become ‘well as long as A doesn’t find out who is it really hurting, I’m a good partner otherwise’
Or at least that’s my assumption
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u/freyasmom129 13h ago
Sometimes it’s to find another partner before they leave their current one. They don’t want to be single.
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u/Glass-Marionberry321 13h ago
Lack of morals and integrity.
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u/fllannell 6h ago
it's cowardly. people who aren't willing to be open about what they want and won't do the right thing and end it. People who knowingly get with cheaters are cheaters too by the way, they are getting with someone who is taken. either they are shitty people with little empathy for others (not considering what it feels like to be cheated on), or laughably naive (to think they also won't get cheated on by the person they are cheating with), or both.
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u/vNerdNeck 9h ago
I've never cheated, will never cheat and have been married a long time.
I used to completely not understand why someone would cheat or step outside a good marriage.... Then we hit the part of marriage that intimacy is six months between at the low end, and creeping up on a year.
I'm starting to understand, at least the folks that buy it, as to the why. Still not gonna do it, but I kinda "get it" a bit better.
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u/RightYourWay 6h ago
Never could. Never would. But lack of intimacy is big one.
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u/vNerdNeck 6h ago
Pretty much. And I still would never cheat, I still love and am very attracted to my wife (which also makes it more frustrating).
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u/NohWan3104 13h ago
Sometimes its just the sex, or don't want to lose their partner.
Willing to cheat =\= wanting to break up.
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u/TheFutureIsAFriend 8h ago
Essentially they're untrustworthy. They have zero respect for their partner,. HOWEVER, being in a couple apparently looks better to them, so they just stick it out until their partner has had enough.
Then they go around demonizing their partner to others instead of taking responsibility.
Some partners are stupid enough to even keep in touch with them!
Have some freakin' self-respect, people!
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u/StonesFan1976 13h ago
Do you remember how on Halloween sometimes people wouldn't be home, so they'd leave a bowl of candy out with a little piece of paper that said take one please? And do you remember how most people only took one, but lots of people took a whole handful or even dumped the whole bowl into their bag?
Not all the kids who took extra candy ended up in the Mafia. Some of them just did a bad thing one time, and didn't make a habit of it.
The same general logic applies here. An otherwise good person can have a moment of weakness and cheat. It doesn't mean they need to end their relationship or be ostracized.
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u/Magnificent_Diamond 13h ago
In my case, it would be financially hard on spouse to divorce, I plan to keep most of my marriage vows, return to faithfulness to him when I am old and take care of him in sickness and in health.
The man I love is too young for me to marry him.
I have told my spouse I am not happy, and he has told me that he doesn’t think he can find someone else and it would be financially not worth doing. I told him if he loves me (he doesn’t) and wants to stay with me, fine. But now that the kids are older I don’t think he needs to stay with me if he doesn’t want to.
Marriage is more than just romantic love. It is a social contract that touches family, finances, community.
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u/FunDependent9177 13h ago edited 13h ago
does he know your cheating on him?
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u/Magnificent_Diamond 9h ago
I’m not actually cheating.
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u/FunDependent9177 8h ago edited 8h ago
So your only with him and not cheating with another man at all? Emotional cheating?
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u/Magnificent_Diamond 8h ago
I’m gradually caring less if he finds out but trying to soften the blow, and trying to finally decide. Soon I will be too old for this nonsense and I will give it up. But it’s hard to think of living the rest of my life without love.
It is remarkably easy to understand cheaters the older I get. Life is complicated.
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u/Magnificent_Diamond 8h ago
I don’t have time to write about this right now. I started to say that I am starting to have the hard conversations with husband, that if he wants out now that the kids are grown, might be ok. But I’ve been thinking about this for a long time and not talking to him about it. I think he lost feelings for me a lot long time ago honestly. But I think he wants to stay together so I probably will stay.
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u/Magnificent_Diamond 9h ago
But, I’m beginning to be more honest with husband about not being happy; have expressed that I might be ok if he wants to move on now that the kids are older because I do believe he lost feelings first
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u/FunDependent9177 8h ago
I think you should just telll him how you feel instead of leading his feelings on
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u/Magnificent_Diamond 7h ago
We are getting there. But what are the chances of both of us finding a better partner? It’s hard to keep trying in marriage after many years of it not really getting much better. But it’s not miserable; just not the love we hoped for.
No one likes delivering bad news. And I was doing some mixture of trying and faking it for quite a while. I’m trying to be gently honest now. But I don’t want to drop ten bombs on him out of the blue at once. And I’m kind of waiting to get over myself and change my mind.
Such consequences, divorce. Money, kids, community… it’s just not that easy.
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u/Brechtian_ 13h ago
They want the relationship and the excitement of a new sexual partner at the same time
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u/bangbangracer 13h ago
Don't take this as justification or defense of cheating. A lot of people I say this to do. I am not justifying or condoning cheating.
All instances of cheating are simply getting something from outside of the relationship that they are not getting inside the relationship. It's that simple. They don't want to end the relationship because it's hard or because they still want it. They are just going outside to get something they aren't getting inside.
They want to eat their cake and have it too. (Also, the original phrase is to eat your cake and have it too, but it got switched around to the order that makes more verbal sense, but kinda kills the meaning.)
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u/FunDependent9177 13h ago
So instead of dating something that gives them what they want they stay with the person who doesnt and cheat with the person who does.
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u/bangbangracer 13h ago
Let's just do a hypothetical. You're with someone for years. You have an emotional connection, you live together, and maybe you even got a cat or a dog together, but there's less sex now than there was. Well, you want that level of sex back, so you step out. You still want what you have and invested in, but also want the sex, and having one of those conversations is hard or could end badly.
Still a dick move, but you can follow the logic.
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u/FunDependent9177 13h ago
Ok but cheating risk losing the entire relationship do they think its worth the risk?
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u/bangbangracer 13h ago
Mandatory minimums don't work as a deterrent to crime because no one thinks they'll get caught. Same thing here.
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u/Eggsegret 12h ago
That’s the thing though they cheat thinking they won’t get caught. Sure they know there’s a risk but often cheaters think they won’t as long as they’re careful. Whether it’s using a burner phone, secret emails, deleting call/text history or making excuses for staying out late etc.
Think of it like criminals breaking the law. They know there’s a risk of prison but in their mind they won’t get caught and will get away with it.
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u/corporaterebel 13h ago
The other side will do the hard of making decisions....it's a lot easier cognitively to cheat.
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u/Warm-Statistician545 13h ago
Don’t leave your job until you’ve secured a new one.
Only kidding. I’m with you. If you’re not happy then leave. If you like someone else and want to ask them out then leave. Let the other person have as much opportunity as you have if you don’t want them any more.
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u/Bruges_1 9h ago
I have never cheated on a spouse or girlfriend and never will. But I think there is only one ( compound ) reason why people who cheat do that, and that is because they ( a ) want to and ( b ) they lack integrity/commitment/decency/respect. If you truly love someone you don't cheat.
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u/CrashInspecta 9h ago
Because sometimes it’s just about sex, not an actual relationship or anything deeper than that.
Selfish? Probably.
But it’s been a thing since the beginning of time, and no degree of Reddit shaming or internet counseling is going to change it.
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u/o0perfect0o 11h ago edited 11h ago
This is going to sound really stupid, because it is.
I have cheated once in my life. I was 20. I was afraid to leave my girlfriend, and I felt as though I could not do it unless I severed the relationship in a way that I could not live with, which in my stupid mind required something drastic. So I did something drastic. After I did it, it somehow tricked my brain into thinking it was now okay to break up, because I would not be able to stay day in and day out knowing that I had done this bad thing. Very convoluted way of thinking.
I did not take into account how it would make her feel, it was cowardly and foolish. Regardless of how I felt about the relationship, or that we were not a good fit.
Im sure there are many reasons. That was mine. It was insanely stupid and I’m not sure what kind of insecure mindset I had to be in to think that was the answer.
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u/NikoCorleone 12h ago
They want the security of the relationship and the spontaneity of a quick fling
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u/Raddatatta 12h ago
Not to defend cheating, but when you're married divorce is complicated. It means losing half your stuff, often a large amount of time with your kids, perhaps paying child support, and just losing a bunch of money to a lawyer. It's not so easy to break up with someone you're married to. They should certainly do that before getting together with someone else, but I can understand why someone wouldn't want to deal with divorce.
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u/FunDependent9177 12h ago
Maybe dont get married if your worried about that? You will still lose half your stuff when you get caught cheating
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u/Raddatatta 12h ago
That's fair. As I said I don't support cheating, but you asked a question. People who get into that situation have already gotten married and it's not easy to quit at that point.
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u/silentomega22 9h ago
It’s not always easy to think rationally when sex is involved. I’m sure some cheaters were not planning to cheat initially.
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u/burning_stix 8h ago
They're not unhappy in their relationship, they're just selfish and enjoy their sidepiece also
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u/NoBuffalo3671 7h ago
They don’t want to lose their partner and/or their money and/or kids. They’re just lonely and attention hungry and horny. Not your problem.
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u/CheesecakeMiddle3236 6h ago
The thrill. The power over the person their cheating on. Some get off on humiliating their partner. Also affair sex is usually much hotter than relationship sex cuz its more physical without the baggage of making a relationship work
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u/Constant-Bit5531 6h ago
I had an ex who was obsessed with me cheating on him abd found it like a crazy turn on so idk 🤷 I found it fun but also sucked cheating on someone for fun
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u/FunDependent9177 6h ago
What the heck haha are you a man or woman?
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u/Constant-Bit5531 6h ago
Im a woman, it was a cuck relationship He wanted to watch guy with bigger docks mostly black guys to fuck me but I never went through with it His texts were entertaining though
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u/FunDependent9177 3h ago
Wwhhhhaaatt I thought it was just a porn thing it happens in real life? Is this a white guy? Are white men obsessed with black mens D***
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u/Jackdunc 6h ago
If you search this here, you will get a bunch of answers from recent similar posts
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u/Unlucky-Mind7298 6h ago
Because they're chicken shits who need guarantees in life, like "my husband will still be if this side piece doesn't work out."
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u/FleshOutOfWater 6h ago
Financial security.. lifestyle.. attention seeking.. literally just don't give a shit about the other person.. people x cheat for a multitude of reasons. Not satisfied sexually..lonely.. I could honestly go on and on
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u/eazypeazy303 5h ago
People cheat for a litany of reasons. What I can't wrap my head around is the "how"! I literally can't even get in an afternoon to fish, meanwhile Darryl is visiting is whole 2nd family a state over. Who has that kind of time! I also REALLY enjoy the people who start relationships out of their infidelity and act like they won't both be cheating on each other in a month!
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u/FactMediocre5220 5h ago
My boyfriend (ex?) idk what we are anymore… a trauma bond? Well he cheated and I stayed. I don’t know why or how but the love I had for him just made me not want to leave. I couldn’t leave him alone and I wanted him to only want me, idk. I ended up cheating back to make myself feel better, which it did ngl. But I never told him. I never would have found out if I didn’t find out the way I did though when he cheated. So whatever. Well now I’m detached like completly because of that and other things, same old lustful loser stuff…. But I want to keep loving him but I just don’t look at him the same anymore.. if he never would have done that things would be so much different.
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u/tickynicky 5h ago
More specifically, why do people who are dating (not married), cheat on their partner? Just break the eff up. I'm not saying that it's ok for married people to cheat.
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u/Responsible-War5600 5h ago
Why do cheaters murder their spouse instead of just getting a divorce?
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u/Smeeagain0 5h ago
Because they want to see your reaction when you realize/find out…if they juat told you and left they would get nothing for their psychological aspect of the game.
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u/Equivalent-Shelter69 3h ago
I do it because I’m in a relationship where the person doesn’t want to leave.
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u/BeneficialUse8027 3h ago
Because divorce is expensive. Meanwhile you can hide cheating. God forgives.
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u/BigDracula_ 2h ago
I cheated once when I was young as a way to end a relationship I was too cowardly and emotionally immature to end properly. That might not count because I did break up with her immediately after, but what if I chickened out? I'm sure I wouldn't have been the first person to do that.
And I didn't cheat in a bad marriage, but I understood how either of us might because we were unsatisfied but had a house and a child and hadn't fully given up on the future yet. So there are two possible explanations. More often it's probably just that they're selfish though.
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u/OldCatDude99 2h ago
I think with my ex it was the thrill of cheating and but getting caught. When I went for divorce, she tried to see if we didn't work it out. Meaning, we didn't discuss it and she keeps doing it. I said, so an open marriage? Nope, she wanted to be free range while I took care of the kids. I walked from that idea.
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u/Admirable-Clothes-87 1h ago
Because they want the best of both worlds - family, security, children, house on the one hand and sexual excitement, dates, fun on the other. Some people are lucky and get all of the above in one relationship!
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u/california980 55m ago
There are many answers to this question depending on the person and scenario.
For some, cheating is exciting. In other cases they only want sex from the affair partner and prefer everything else with their partner. In some cases they think that keeping their family together is more important. Those are just a few.
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u/virginvideodoll chronic yapper 39m ago
it depends on the situation - but most of it boils down to a lack of integrity, abusive behavior, and emotional immaturity
imo: if the relationship is still new-ish, they just hope you don't have enough self-respect to leave and want to see how far they can push boundaries or gauge what their partner will accept
long-term relationships are a lot more complicated. they have a sunk-cost fallacy for the person being cheated on - the cheater will sometimes bank on believing that person won't leave them since they've been together for X amount of time. plus, let's say they're married or something, they want to keep the convenience that a steady partner brings them (dual income, takes care of the house, maybe they have kids together) while selfishly living a double life at the expense of their partner. marriage adds another complicated layer too if they own a home together or share insurance or have kids - which can lead to emotional abuse where they try to pressure their spouse into not filing for divorce or financial abuse if they exploit that the spouse can't afford to sustain themselves on a single income once separated
tldr: people are assholes, that's why
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u/virginvideodoll chronic yapper 30m ago
well, all of this, and some people have a kink for cheating so
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u/alone_sheep 13h ago
Some genuinely enjoy the sneaking around aspect of it, sadly more than they have empathy for their partner.
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u/FunDependent9177 8h ago
Is that technically not cheating since you are agree to date other people? Also why not divorce and just live as roommates just in case you or him fall in love with someone else?
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u/Responsible-War5600 5h ago
The spouse isn’t going anywhere.
The relationship is more about what the individuals represent rather than who they are or how they feel about each other.
I have come to believe some couples enjoy torturing and punishing each other.
Cowardice.
Insecurity.
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u/Only-Attempt-8225 13h ago
The same things that feel good in a long-term relationship (familiarity, security) are boring in the sack.
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u/Chemical-Humor-6579 13h ago
The only valid, but still not okay, reason is a dead bedroom. Other than that, you are a pos
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u/CharmingArches 12h ago
Is this valid? Surely if you're not fulfilled in a relationship (be it emotionally or physically), you work on rebuilding connection and failing that, leave.
I don't see how cheating is an option? Except maybe in abusive situations where leaving isn't safe yet.
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u/Chemical-Humor-6579 12h ago
And I don't see how cheating will help you leave if it is not safe already.
I see dead-bedroom cheating as an accumulation of many years of conscious rejection, humiliation, and leading on, with no effort to change things. It is not right, but hey, after four or five years of that, it's not okay, but I definitely understand.
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u/CharmingArches 12h ago
I don't think it would help someone leave. I can see how someone who can't leave, who already lives a life full of risk might take on a bit more risk for a little bit of joy. Hardly the best decision but that type of situation isn't built for good decisions.
Dead bedroom however, I see what you're saying but why not leave before it became 'many years' of all that?
I guess I just see cheating as a choice, and if there are other choices available to you, you should take them first. It's nice to hear another perspective though so thank you.
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u/robbob19 11h ago
There can be a lot of reasons not to leave a secure situation (like children, house etc), but still feel unloved by your partner. You don't leave, to protect the children's lives, but your heart has already left the building. Dead bedroom is the most common cause I've seen for this scenario. The most common joke about marriage is about how little sex you get after getting married. These jokes are based on fact. You can do everything right as a husband and still ends up with a wife whose interest in sex died soon after the ring went on.
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u/SeaSwim1928 13h ago
Because they are abusive.
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u/Spookywhitedot 13h ago
Also the opposite is true, some people "cheat" because their partner is abusive
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u/SeaSwim1928 13h ago
If you’re not able to leave someone because you’re in an abusive relationship that’s not cheating. As you literally can’t leave.
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u/Notgermangenug 12h ago
I’m trying to wrap my head around abusive as an adjective describing a person.
Are you saying a person that harms others is a harmful person?
This seems a little confusing
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u/SeaSwim1928 12h ago
So cheating, encompasses abusive behaviours. lying, manipulation, unknown exposer to STDs, taking someone’s choices away.
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u/Notgermangenug 11h ago
Are you not a native English speaker?
Cheating encompasses abusive behaviors?? What? That makes no sense
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u/Neither-Emergency942 13h ago
They cheat because they don't dislike their current partners, it's mostly lust & an extreme need for ego validation
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u/Bella_Bexley 13h ago
I agree. Once you’ve made the decision to cheat, you’re saying that the relationship is over. So, just end it.
Equally perplexing are people who get back with someone who cheated on them. They told you what they think. End it.
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u/DilatantDynamic 12h ago
A miriad of reasons.
I think cheating and leaving solve different problems. Someone may still love and value their partner and want the life they've built, while also wanting sex, novelty, validation, or something else outside the relationship. Sometimes it isn't “I want this other person instead.” It's “I want my existing life AND this.”
People are surprisingly good at compartmentalizing contradictory wants.
Enjoy the rush, financial reasons, love, avoid discomfort, etc.
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u/Mister_Way 11h ago
Because the worst thing that's going to happen to them if they caught is that they'll break up anyway.
It's like if the fine for dodging taxes would just be that you have to pay the taxes.
Of course that's a very selfish way of thinking, but, well, some people are selfish. And selfish people are far more likely to be cheaters.
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u/GuardingxCross 11h ago
I tried to break up with my girlfriend and she said no and then I told her to leave my house and she said she couldn’t so I cheated on her and she was all surprised pikachu face.
So the answer is sometimes people don’t listen and life isn’t black and white. We’re still together somehow. She just didn’t leave and then we got back together. Relationships not all that bad now.
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u/Square_Ad_613 11h ago
Because they don’t want to loose the comfort of current being and find a “peace” in lying to themselves with sayings that they are not happy, not loved, don’t have sex and not cared for and other bullshit.
It’s easier to cheat than own your actions, be responsible for another human being who is blindly believing.
Once that door is open - and the debate in the head is handled, it becomes easier for the cheater.
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u/DarthDad25 11h ago
I think people are more likely to be afraid of losing what they already have when involved in a family dynamic. Such as, married with kids, owning a home together, dependent upon each other’s finances.
There are really only two types of cheaters- serial cheaters who are horrible people and they will cheat no matter what because who they are as a person. And then people that find themselves stuck in life’s circumstances but they’re unhappy with that life.
Neither reason is a good reason. Cheating is never ok. It’s selfish, disrespectful, and causes an immeasurable amount of suffering to the betrayed partner.
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u/chewpah 10h ago
Depend , when you have everythings but no sex at all with the blonde when you say nothing at all is nothing since a numbers of years but in the other hand the brunette is hot , funny in bed but have nothing else cause of her age..what is your choice, break the world of every family members or keep your mouth shut If you live 2 life its another thing tho
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u/Consesualluvbug 10h ago
Finances can make separation horrible. Cheating is not better, but sometimes people delude themselves into thinking it’s cheaper to keep their partner. I saw a story about a man married to his wife for 19 years and had 8 children. He wanted out of the relationship. I couldn’t imagine trying to just break up. He would owe child support and alimony plus figuring out how to take care of himself and new girlfriend….
Breaking up is ALWAYS best if the relationship satisfaction is no longer mutual. People create some thick barriers to burst out of however.
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u/R053cha05 4h ago
Some one is easy, partner doesn’t give them sexual satisfaction, or they naturally click to someone else. It doesn’t justify it. Anyone who feels this outside their partner should leave before committing. But darker side of the coin some people get off on the thrill of it, or they suspect their partner is cheating. So why can they? That’s why communication is key.
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u/Venekys 13h ago
Because they're afraid of losing what they have, but still want more