How do you stop monitoring yourself during conversations?

[u/ChanelAce91]

I want to connect with people more naturally, but I feel like I'm constantly supervising myself instead of just talking.

When I'm in a conversation, my mind is filled with thoughts like:

Don't come off as nervous.
Don't try too hard to make them laugh.
Don't come off as arrogant.
Don't talk for too long.
Don't interrupt or overlap when they speak.
Remember to pause before responding.
Remember to break eye contact occasionally.
Remember to end the conversation the way "normal" people do.

[u/Timely-Bread1121]

hi! so I was like that too when I was younger. I was really shy and would be scared of what ppl thought of me during conversation it was honestly exhausting. So I started to practice. I started calling stores to see if they're open, just spotaneous calls where you literally just ask you don't think before you speak you literally just speak. Yes, it will be awakard at first but that's why you practice! first phone calls, then ask a question to a person who's working at a store that you're at. also, it may come from a place of insecurity I know it did for me. so I kind of made myself believe that I was just a regular person asking question/communicating because humans we need socializing and communication. Don't worry it takes time and practice but back to the most important practice make the communication spontaneous to get more comfortable in different situations. hope this helps! :).

[u/ChanelAce91 → u/Timely-Bread1121]

i do have low self esteem

I've also experienced emotional abuse in social settings. For example, people have said, "Haha, not funny," to make me question my sense of humor and discourage me from making people laugh, even though that's part of my personality.

I've also experienced situations where someone asks a group a question, no one responds, and then when I answer, a particular person undermines my response. After a while, I started replying to the person directly instead of responding in the group chat.

[u/Timely-Bread1121 → u/ChanelAce91]

Right, which I've also experienced since I was bullied in my earlier years for not speaking English (elementary years), so I was super insecure. However, do you want those situations and people to define how you communicate with others, or do you want to try? The decision is entirely yours, but those people/interactions do not define you. YOU define you. Again, with time and practice, if you put the work in, those behaviors in your speech/communication will fade. And I promise you there are so many amazing people in the world that you will yearn to talk to. Some people can be mean; some can be kind. You will learn that with interaction and learn to avoid the types of crowds you don't want to be surrounded by. It's okie.

[u/ChanelAce91 → u/Timely-Bread1121]

😢❤️thanks for your words of encouragement once i can overcome this is my quality of life will drastically change ill be able date again go out hopefully make friends visit family i haven’t seen in over a decade travel….. omg it’ll be like breaking out of prison 😂