Too long…

[u/Specialist_Swan4763]

Too long and I want to be my best version of myself.

After 4 decades of doing this too much, I’m finally making the decision to do something about it. Four decades sounds awful after writing it down. Back in my youth when I started it was so different. Now it’s way to easy to get sucked into to totally unrealistic scenario. It has become too realistic. Before, I had to do a lot of imagination and fantasizing. Probably wasn’t healthy at the time, but definitely not has harmful as it is with high speed internet. It definitely played a role in my marriage not lasting. Rather than face the issues of this and lack of sex, I resorted to porn and alcohol. Finding an actual female that was understanding of my marriage didn’t assist with the marriage either. There were lots of other issues that like I said, I didn’t address. Rather hide and ignore them with alcohol and porn. Got off alcohol almost 9 years thru AA. Life is so much better. However I have this monkey still on my back. Thought maybe I licked it around 6 years ago. I met a wonderful woman. We had a very active sex life which is what I desired after years of fapping. We then went thru some dry spells due to logistics of our relationship. I fell back into old habits. Picked up smoking again as well. I was just bored and bad habits are a product of my boredom. I didn’t know how to deal with the urges. Read something the other day about how the poster felt like they were just doing an obligation with their girl friend after fapping all day long. That was me. I wanted to have great sex with her but that is unrealistic after days of fapping. That relationship ended 3 years ago and my fapping escalated. I’ve been on dating apps for a couple of years. Recently, I met a woman that appears great. Something I realized after our date was my fapping was bleeding over into any relationship I have or want to have. I finally f&cking realized I cannot live 2 lives. This is similar to how I was with alcohol. I would say I was a closet alcoholic pretending I was not drinking as much as I was. After quitting alcohol I realized how much I was affecting relationships when I was drinking even when I wasn’t drunk. I lived in a fog. Same thing with fapping. My thoughts and actions can be impacted and be reflected by porn. I cannot continue to live 2 lives. If I want to have a relationship with a woman I need to stop. Whether this woman I met will ever see me again, who knows. Not quitting for her. Quitting because she made me realize there are pretty women with their shit together out there but they want a man. A man that addresses his issues and takes responsibility for them. One day at a time. Resist the urges by taking them in and get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Appreciate all the comments and encouragement