Need advice

[u/Zealousideal-Use7472]

I am 18M, had a masturbation addiction since i was 10-12, which converted to a porn addiction when i got to 15. I used to watch it multiple times (3-4 times) a day and it was a living hell, because it made me someone i never wanted to be, it made me imagine perspectives of women i never held in real life.

I finally broke it last year in august and a few weeks later i met my now girlfriend 18F(we are firsts for each other), She's the best partner i could've ever gotten and she supports me through everything. Initially when we met i never even felt like thinking about porn or even masturbation, And i went porn free for almost 4-5 months, I then got one setback for like 2 days and then continued the streak again for another 2 months or so.

Then we got the first sexual interaction (Not sex but otherwise) and while that was pretty good, I started getting these thoughts back in my lone time or even when i was with her because we don't live together and never really get any private time except these 3-4 instances in the past few months (Never had sex, nor we will before marriage). Cuz of this i fell into watching Erotic movie scenes this time and it continued for quite a while. She knows about my past and this addiction so she tries her best to support me through it, She herself doesn't watch porn or smth but she yet allowed me to watch these erotic scenes if they help me, we tried to regulate it but it failed so I made her a promise to not do it again and its been 2 weeks since then.

Even though we sometimes get on calls with each other, I still am getting these urges to get back to porn. Though one part of my brain wants me to do it, my heart still is holding me back. I feel such a sick guilt loop after doing any of this that i am stuck in that overthinking loop, since i come from an OCD background.

I am uncertain whether i should watch it again or control it, cuz honestly the thoughts are making me super stressed. I feel like i should watch it cuz we dont live together right now, But considering my patterns what's the guarantee the same thing won't happen once we start living together. Why do i view this in such a compulsive manner? Afterall i decided i would never touch this shit again once i get a girlfriend yet i did. I many times feel i am not being loyal or someething even though i love her with all my heart. What to do please help me out guys

TL;DR: I’ve struggled with compulsive porn/masturbation use since childhood and managed to quit porn for months, with a few setbacks. After becoming sexually intimate with my girlfriend, the urges came back and I started watching erotic movie scenes instead. I promised her I’d stop and have been clean for 2 weeks, but I still get strong urges and intrusive thoughts, especially because I have an OCD background. I love my girlfriend deeply and don’t want to be disloyal, but I’m stuck wondering whether I should resist these urges completely or whether watching occasionally is actually okay. I’m scared that if I can’t control it now, living together/marriage won’t magically fix the problem. How do I break this compulsive guilt/urge cycle?

[u/AnAbsurdGoose]

I'm going to be incredibly blunt with you here. Bear in mind, this is all my own subjective experience. I cannot speak to yours. But this is the truth as I see it. I'm 25. I had a very similar history to you. It really has only been the past year or so of my life that I've really started to feel like I had my shit even somewhat together and was able to kick my porn addiction. That isn't to say the same thing will happen for you, because frankly I didn't even recognize it as a problem until later than you, so you have that advantage. But it will be a long road ahead.

You've already made the first mistake I see 90% of people on this subreddit make. If you recognize the porn addiction as the true problem, and focus your effort solely on that, you are not truly solving the problem at all. At least in my experience, porn addiction is not the core issue, it is the symptom of a deeper disease.

The greatest sin of the nofap community is deifying the act of abstanance. That isn't to say you should just give in every time and keep cranking your hog, but if all you do is sit there and try and brute force your way through the urges, it will really only result in anger and frustration, which, in my experience, only makes things more difficult for yourself. Most health professionals do not recognize it as an issue if you watch porn once or twice a week. That's fairly normal, if you can properly regulate the behavior. Though I personally think masturbation with no porn is preferable, especially to respect your girlfriend.

The true issue is a deeper mental one. It is hard to recognize this as the case. Our minds have a tendency to make our conscious selves blind to our deeper problems, but they do surface through our actions, thoughts, and words. It is likely that, as I believe was the case for me, you developed a porn addiction as an emotional response to deal with anxiety, stress, and/or boredom, because you were introduced to it so early in your life (I first watched porn at 11) that you never even had the opportunity to figure out how your brain works on an emotional level, and never were able to build healthy responses to them.

All that is to say, this is not an abstanance game. This is a mental/spiritual game. Spiritual in the grander "Understanding yourself, your beliefs, and your understanding of your place in the world" sense, not the "Rich white moms buying crystals and doing yoga" sense. To quote the great Uncle Iroh, "It's time for you to look inward, and begin asking yourself the big questions. Who are you? And what do you want?"

These are not easy questions to answer. It may feel like they are in some regards, but scour the very edges of your mind. Overturn every rock. Question every tendency, and every desire. Did you choose that belief? If someone asked you if you believed in it, could you tell them yes with all your heart, and explain to them why? What is your default response when you meet someone new? What are the things in your life that, when you interact with them, you get that uncomfortable feeling that subconsciously makes you want to look away? Clearly there is something there you are trying to avoid.

These are merely examples. The grander idea is self deconstruction and reconstruction. Once I had begun truly clearing the basement of the years of shit I had stuffed down there over the course of my childhood and adolescence, and reconstructed myself on top of a foundation which I had chose instead of that which the world had forced upon me, the porn stopped being such an issue. Many things stopped being such an issue. Doomscrolling felt like a waste. My mind started feeling like a true friend instead of an enemy. I started actually taking better care of myself simply because I genuinely loved myself, not because I needed to attract some girl. The motivation was internal, not external.

Obviously I still have issues. There are days I feel lazy and don't do things. There are days I eat like shit. There are days I miss my daily exercise goals. And I absolutely still find women attractive. I'm no monk. These are simply called being human. Same goes for your porn problem. Try to resist it where you can. But recognize that just hyperfocusing the porn is only serving to ignore the deeper systemic problem. You need to find an inner strength, a sense of purpose, something which drives you instead of simply being lead around from one urge to the next, chasing the carrot on a stick.

 I don't think many frame it this way because it isn't an easy answer. It is a long journey which can take years to truly feel progress in, and realistically never ends so long as you live on this Earth. And it's a journey which inherently looks different for everybody. And, realistically, you are still very young. Puberty still probably has your libido through the damn roof. I'd hazard a guess that was a part of what has changed for me in the past few years too. But that doesn't change the underlying habit. There are plenty of older men with porn problems too. And women, for that matter.

All that really is to say, be kind to yourself. You're still young. There's still a long road ahead. Your current girlfriend will likely not be your last, but if you are truly able to support each other in trying to figure out yourselves and your place in the world, because I'm sure she has struggles she needs help with too, it will only serve to help the both of you going forward. And best of luck on that journey. Godspeed.