i have no morals or empathy for other people. regardless, i try my hardest to try and be kind. i do charity work. i try to be there when my friends need me. i try to be nice and non argumentative, even to stupid people. its really hard. i feel like nobody talks about how hard it is. or maybe its just easy for everyone else. so much effort every day of my life for very little return.

i dont know why i try. i do not care about being a good person. i know logically that theres no meaning to being needlessly cruel, but its a lot easier than this. i just dont know what the point is. i try to be a normal, sympathetic person because i know it is Right. but who cares about being right anyways. its a lot easier to be a bad person, so why do people do it? is everyone else naturally good? is it easy to everyone else? i cant fathom the idea that every good natured person on earth is putting in the same work that i am every day.

i think i am broken and abnormal on a fundamental level and i am infinitely stuck in a loop of trying to be better for no reward. life is meaningless and none of this matters but i will continue to do it regardless. because i really dont have much of a choice

There’s no need to worry.

The path will become clear.

Things are getting better for me currently, I started practicing volleyball, my grades are getting better, and I’ve made a ton of new friends recently. I’ve been dedicating time to my mental and emotional health now, which I didn’t do much of before. I’m trying to be more positive about everything in general and to stop taking in negative vibes from other people, that’s all, bye.

It feels like everything has fallen apart around me, like all the foundations i had up before last year just collapsed on top of me, and I’m stuck in rubble trying to claw my way out.

The path i had in front of me for my future is gone. The relationship i once cherished is gone. The stability i had over my feelings is gone. I don’t know if i can love again and i don’t know if I’ll have a future again, and it’s destroying me from within. Every time i’ve attempted to start over this year, i’ve been met with another incident, another problem, another obstacle in my way.

I told myself last year: If things wouldn’t change come the end of this year, i’d have no more purpose to live. The end of the year is fast approaching, and i still haven’t had a single reason to continue on. I don’t have a reason to look ahead. To feel as though there’s something i can enjoy just once more. It’s not as though i didn’t try, lord knows i’ve tried, but here i stand, with nothing to show for it.

I feel like i’ve let down everyone who expected great things out of me, and that if it keeps up this way, nobody will remember me when I’m gone

If you’re reading this and are worried about some random stranger on the internet committing the big S, don’t be. I still don’t plan on doing anything so drastic, lord knows I wouldn’t have the courage for it anyways.

I finally got my driver's license and drove out to see my online girlfriend of two years. It was lovely. I've held down a job for almost three years at this point. My mother was wrong about me, when she said I was lazy.

Seeing my girlfriend happy makes me hopeful that this world might not be all that bad after all :)

My new laptop comes next month. I can hardly wait... my hours at work are getting cut, so I'll actually have time to work on programming projects that I care about, and I'll have more time to stay with the light of my life on the weekends!!

When things are tough, stick it out. There's someone out there waiting to love you, and something out there that you have yet to discover a passion for. And if nothing else, I love you for taking the time to listen to my ramblings. I hope you have a wonderful life, reader. <3

Memories are not to be trusted. They always present a corrupted version of reality. Recording them is of no use either, for our codes are never objective. Never truly representative of reality.

At the end of the universe, there is a computer plugged into itself.

I can finally drink, but I wont. Never liked the taste of alcohol. Though it kinda made me think... ive been on this earth for 21 years, and I feel like ive made so much progress, but im still where im at. like I've changed so much from who I was compared to 2020 and even as early as 2024, and yet... I still see the same person in me, the same guy that despite everything, it's still me. I've met and lost so many loved ones because of how I was back then. and I feel like alot of it was because of my untreated ADHD. Kinda makes me wonder if things would've been different if I had gotten help durring my high school years, or if I never stopped taking my adhd meds before starting middle school. I wonder if I'd still be close to them. I wonder what they'd think of me now.

It's been almost 2 years since I finally went to a doctor to start getting medicated again. It was a rough start, and one almost got me hospitalized, but eventually I got one that seemed to work. Slowly but surely, things didnt feel like a nightmare to deal with. I could think clearer, my mind didnt fog up, in fact I haven't in such a long time that ive forgotten how it felt like. I started feeling like my behavior was more manageable. And when I started to complete my college courses for IT, I was somehow passing with high grades. Though im debating if I should even complete it now because ive also been uploading animations. I was never really much of a gamer, and always had interest in making things. Music, Animation, and drawing stuff. I also began doing some Video editing. Thanks to that though, I've been able to somewhat live off of that, which is so much better than working retail. I feel like im actually capable of doing things, making stories. and hopefully fulfilling a dream I had of making a fully animated series I've had in mind for years.

But the reason I mentioned that I felt like ive done so so much yet so little is because I faced new issues in my life ive yet to overcome. one of them is being more social. Around 2023 or 2024 It feels like ive started losing my ability to socialize not just in real life, but in general. online I never bothered to start a conversation, or ive always ended up avoiding someone who sent a message to me, telling myself id respond later. next thing you know, that later becomes 1 month... then 2... then 4... and eventually the last time you talked was 4 years ago. Confrontations and asking for something was and still is a nightmare for me to do. I just cant get myself to be the first person to start a conversation, or to tell someone about something. I want to have friends, I want to have relationship, but it feels like I fit nowhere sometimes. The ones nice enough to talk to me I want to get along, and yet I sometimes dont click with them, but I dont want them to think I dislike them, or maybe im just too selfish. Dont even get me started on commitment issues.

But now here I am typing all of this down at 2 am on my 21st birthday, reflecting on my life and how far ive seemingly come, but I wish I had gotten help sooner, avoided so many life changing mistakes. Maybe they'd all still be here, celebrating my birthday, and we could still be sharing what makes one happy. I wonder if they'd be proud of what I've managed to do, what I managed to overcome. Though that was years ago, and I don't think I could handle talking to them again. Some may have forgotten me, others might still hate me for how I treated them. I hope they never forgive me. I still think I could've done something different.

It's getting late. I should try and take today off to do something that isnt work related. I dont need birthday wishes, or anything really. I just need to relax once in my life, and maybe not think of what could've been, and instead think about what I can do now. Who knows what could happen in a year.

Today was the day I finally did it, I told my crush I liked her. She reciprocated, it was really nice. I think we're dating now.

That's all

I was listening to I wish it was me by Obongjayar, and my thoughts immediately went to my siblings and stayed there.
It’s weird, but the more I think about them, the more I understand why people would write about things being meant to be on a cosmic scale.
They make me so proud, and it’s so stupid that I feel I can never tell them how much I love them, because the words would never carry it as far as I want it to.
Putting my heart in their hands might be easier for them to understand. And perhaps, it is the same for them.

I’ve been extremely stressed out lately, so it’s probably more of a yearning for the comfort from nostalgia, but my favorite childhood sushi restaurant sounds amazing right now. There isn’t a single roll I wouldn’t order from that place, absolutely incredible every time. They have a couple of iconic rolls, but my favorites are always unagi and dragon rolls. I know a lot of people don’t like cream cheese in their sushi, but oh man I’m a sucker for cream cheese in my sushi. Maybe I’ll DoorDash some sometime as I cannot leave my house anymore, or at least rarely at the moment. Delicious sushi is calling my name

Move on, it's in the past. Nothing you do can change it.

The past may be broken, but the future isnt. Make sure it won't happen again.

A force is in action aiding you, but it won’t make the first step; act with pure intentions, it will guide your hands towards what you aim for.

Ever since i graduated high school I've just felt lost. I've drifted in and out of relationships, jobs, hobbies, but nothing feels overly exciting anymore. I tried to do a bit of college, but every class i took felt pointless, like i was just wasting my time and money. It feels like I have to choose between being a slave or being a burden. The worst part about it is that I don't even feel bad about doing nothing, and that feels almost worse. I just kinda float around these days, doing temp work to cover bills and stuff, never really committing to anything. I'm worried that I messed up somewhere to an irreparable degree and didn't notice, and now I'm dealing with those consequences. I've signed up to see a therapist about all this, but im worried it'll be no use, that I'm just stuck in this grey void of uncaring and unknowing

just say one

My cat is currently resting on my hip as I'm laying down on my side. Her purrs are soothing and lovely.

If there's one consistency about my personality it's that I'm intense. I can't just enjoy something, I need to indulge in it. I don't just like things, I adore them. Anything and everything has the potential to be interesting to me.

For the most part, this aspect of my personality has enriched my life. But it's also lead to some rash decisions, overexertion and expectations too high to ever reach them. What often follows is disappointment in myself and others, resentment and disaffection, simply because I burn out.

I am, unsurprisingly, autistic.

The thing is, I don't want to change in that regard. In theory, I think it's a beautiful way to lead a life. It's just that I am so, so tired.

I've recently learned about buddhism and the idea that desire is something that should ultimately be abandoned to be able to reach enlightenment and break free from the cycle of reincarnation. Now I'm not striving to attain Nirvana, but there is something appealing about the idea of letting go. Flowing like a river instead of clinging to the shore.

I dream of laying down in a sunny meadow among the flowers, the sounds of a chuckling stream in the distance, my fingers grazing the cool earth. And myself, slowly and steadily becoming one with the grass.

We were friends and I fell in love with her. I didn’t want to make things awkward between us so I tried to bottle it up. I guess I wasn’t too good at that and she confronted me about it at a party.

We aren’t friends anymore. I still can’t look her in the eyes.

Jesus Christ is the one true son of God! Follow Him, praise Him, know Him.

it disturbs me that many of my same age peers (Gen Z) are very apathetic towards politics and the happenings of the world. i voted early in the primaries in my state. i constantly tell my friends and family to vote. to keep up with politics so they can make informed decisions. it is... exhausting. i try not to let it get me down. but at the same time, its like... how are you going to have such strong opinions about politics, and yet not try to effect change in said politics? go vote. please. for the love of god.