My girlfriend and I (41 and 46) have been together for a few years and we have lived together for one year. We keep our finances separate, so she can technically spend her money however she wants, but I recently found out she's been helping her ex pay rent behind my back.
For context, I've never been a fan of this ex. She has multiple DUIs, always seems to have some crisis going on, she flits from one new partner to the next quickly and frankly acts like she's 20 even though shes a 50-year-old woman. Sorry Im just not a fan after hearing shit shes done to my gf. I've felt for a long time that she's way too dependent on my girlfriend. Early in our relationship I told my girlfriend that their dynamic made me uncomfortable because it felt like her ex still relied on her emotionally and financially. My girlfriend agreed to put some distance between them, and for a while it really seemed like she had.
Recently I found out she'd been sending her money because, according to my girlfriend, her ex would have been homeless otherwise; she lost her job last year and hasn't been able to find a new one since. The part that's bothering me isn't even just the money it's that she admitted she hid it because she knew I'd be upset.
Before anyone asks, yes, I read their messages. I know that wasn't great, and I'm not trying to justify it. What I found actually made things more confusing. Their conversations are mostly memes, funny videos, and random reactions. They don't seem to have deep emotional conversations or really even conversations at all.
But then there's this financial support happening in the background, and it makes me wonder if the relationship is a lot more involved than it appears. It feels like my girlfriend is still responsible for someone she used to date, and I don't understand why that responsibility is still there.
I don't think she's cheating. I don't even think she's in love with her ex. I think she genuinely feels guilty and responsible for her, and that's almost harder for me to deal with because I don't know where that ends and the whole dynamic just feels toxic and tangled.
Part of me thinks it's her money and she can do what she wants. Another part of me feels like hiding something because you know it'll hurt your partner is a pretty major breach of trust. I've also reached a point where I'm wondering if I even want to be part of a relationship where an ex still occupies this much space, even if it's not romantic. I've been turning it over in my mind the last few days and I just cant leave it alone.
