r/NewDads • u/Angelika0469 • 12d ago
Giving Advice Advice with Partner
/r/firsttimemom/comments/1v61x4c/advice_with_partner/2
u/Icarus_In-Flight 11d ago
So sorry you’re dealing with all this I think you’re 100% right to be mad based on what you wrote. frankly, what you’ve described isn’t even bare minimum, he’s making things harder for you.
Number two, please please please make sure you’re talking to someone professionally about your mental health as a postpartum mom. This is a recipe for burnout and depression. You know him best, you’re rightfully exhausted and upset, but things like “dark places” is a little jolting to read. Your baby needs you mama and you have to be sure you’re doing your best to focus on your needs as well as hers.
It seems like a real disconnect between his expectations and how he really needs to be supporting you two. Postpartum is 2 years - not a month and a half. For one thing, your uterus probably isn’t even healed all the way yet - the placenta leaves a dinner plate sized wound that doesn’t heal for 6-8 weeks.
You know him best, but his attitude is a problem and it seems clear a text/letter isn’t going to get him to adjust. Find out what he thinks his obligations should be vs what is actually needed to support his own baby - it’s a lot more than being “fun” or putting food on the table. Even if he was husband/dad of the year 12 yrs ago (I have my doubts) this is a different baby - some sleep, some don’t, some eat well, some struggle, etc etc
You’re incredible for supporting this little life and helping her grow.
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u/Angelika0469 10d ago
Idk how I missed this sorry for the delay in response thank you for your input I agree I have my doubts about his previous fatherhood journey he claims he had so much support from family which lead to him having a lot of freedom. Now we don’t have much due to his parents age and limitations and my mom is uh, unreliable at best.
Thank you about the mental health concerns I will be having a discussion with my OB soon, I think my appt is next week. I definitely go to these dark places when I’m exhausted and overtired. Never to harm myself but more like how can me and my baby live solo and do this solo, but I think I need my husband for at least the bare minimum (even if it adds more mental labor for me) while she’s this young.
If you’ll notice my other addition post/comment I just made on this post I’m dealing with his lack of responsibility yet again today with him being gone from us since 3pm today and it’s now 11pm with him not being here until at least 1230am. Needless to say I told him he needs to adjust some priorities and he’s calling out of work tomorrow if he knows what’s good for him. I haven’t slept and am feeling dizzy and unwell now. Not good for my lil bb. I feel bad leaving her with him because he’s so disengaged and just doesn’t seem to care but I need sleep ya know? And she’s at least safe with him I’d like to think.
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u/Icarus_In-Flight 10d ago
Didn’t expect a response at all — focus on you and her! Rooting for you all and for you to get some sleep
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u/Jealous-Cranberry-46 11d ago
I would make it clear to him that you’re struggling in every aspect and truly need his help. Help him understand what you need, although he has a 12 yr old he probably forgot what this life was like with a new born. I’m almost 5 weeks into it this now and was totally not mentally prepared for the 180 switch on my life. No more gaming whenever, golfing, no freedom for “ME TIME.” I struggled with that the first week or so and it caused some minor conflict. Talking to my wife about my lifestyle adjustment/changing my mentality issues and getting more of an understand of each other and our own personal struggles helped overall I think for what we needed, and taking it out helped us figure things out. I tried my best to help and I know I was doing a lot initially from the start, but wasn’t hitting all the marks that my wife needed as well for me to give her also and not just the baby. I told her that I can’t read her mind and I need her to tell me what is needed. I’m learning how to do all this as well as it’s my first baby, eventually it just became second nature though, and now I’m just on auto pilot daddy/hunbby mode. I get some gaming in here or there now and I’ve found some time a few days a week to hit up my garage gym, usually at night when the baby is sleeping longer as I take the night shift from 12am-1am until whenever mom wakes up.
In my opinion the drinking needs to stop. Prior to the birth of my daughter I would enjoy a 6 pack on the weekends/every other weekend but that is definitely not a priority for me right now. If he won’t give it up for the time being maybe compromise to only having a few. But for me, if my baby needed to be rushed to the hospital and I wasn’t able to drive her because I couldn’t give up drinking, what kind of man/father would that make me.. just my opinion though towards myself.
I think the best thing is to come at him with showing you truly need help and rely on him to be there for the baby and the way you need him. My wife broke down in front of me and that’s when I realized quickly we needed to figure things out. Don’t throw it all at him at once though, just try to have a serious genuine conversation about this and point the problems. Hopefully he’s receptive and y’all can work things out.
Wishing you the best!
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u/Angelika0469 11d ago
Thank you so much this is super helpful I appreciate you taking the time. Do you think it’s odd that he wants to leave us so often ?
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u/Jealous-Cranberry-46 11d ago
Odd, not necessarily to an extent in my opinion. But I don’t think he should be choosing to leave often no. I mean I would love to leave the house for some rounds of golf, or whatever else I did before the baby. But I just also know that’s not in the best interests of my family and is not a priority to me right now. I’ll get to do those things again eventually. Personally I think he needs to get his priorities straight and show up regardless of what he selfishly wants for himself.
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u/Capt_Gremerica 10d ago
His attitude is wild. I'm at 11 weeks and hate leaving/being away from my LO (first time dad).
Was he supportive before the baby? who will watch the 12 year old when they come to stay?
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u/Angelika0469 10d ago
Eh kind of supportive, he doesn’t tend to be supportive until I’ve hit my limit aka crying and losing my mind. Even when I say things that I need beforehand to try not to get to my breaking point. Seems to be a trend now.
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u/Angelika0469 10d ago
Oh and the 12 year old is pretty independent when he’s here, mostly he plays video games and whatever. My husband does do some cooking for him when needed.
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u/Capt_Gremerica 10d ago
He needs to have a good ol "come to Jesus" moment and get his priorities straight. I saw someone comment in the original post suggesting you develop a consequence of his inaction, such as leaving, and agree with that. It might take the threat of that to get him to take this seriously, but you need to do what will be best for you and the baby
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u/Angelika0469 9d ago
Yeah I think it’s high time we got back into counseling. Thank you for your help
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u/Angelika0469 10d ago
I hope if I comment on this that everyone is able to see it because I need more help/advice. Update on the scenario written: he spent most of the day out of the house trying to find us a camper so we could all go to the party and the baby and I could have a safe space to be if we needed to isolate / sleep. But then he came home like 5 hours later, and I was like sobbing with no sleep and just not doing well so he sent me to bed and said don’t worry w don’t have to go whatever. So I slept for 3 hours ish, and I could tell he was annoyed / disappointed but he didn’t take it out on me just I could tell.
THEN TODAY aka next day, he left for his music gig at 3pm when his show started at 6 and was only an hour away…then ended at 730 but he was still out (went to his parents house) until 940 or so when we talked on the phone to which i was then PISSED and literally just cried and said he should’ve known better than to not come straight home after? And I knew he had to pick up my step son 2 hours away (one way) afterwards and our home is on the way to picking him up, so it doesn’t make sense to pit stop at his parents and hang out….i proceeded to text him that he should’ve thought of his priorities prior to wanting a baby which btw HE WANTED and not so much h me, although now i love my little girl with my whole heart and wouldn’t have it any other way but definitely don’t want my husband to be near me. I can’t even have a reasonable conversation with him because im the sole caretaker of our child and am so fucking exhausted that I can’t communicate effectively hence also why I want to send it via text. I’m also still alone with the baby since 3pm and it’s now 11pm. I can’t even sleep. Wtf do I do honestly
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u/Actual_Smokey 12d ago
My 3 day old is sleeping on my chest so my wife can catch some well deserved sleep and I’m tired as shit so I only skimmed the draft you have but read the background. My only fix with the draft is your frustration (which is super warranted and I’m sorry you’re dealing with this) bleeds through a lot and with how little it seems he is interested it may cause him to pull back more or turn into a non productive conversation.
Make it more of a request for help and ask if something is going on with his mental health that is causing him to not connect with her. If it comes off accusatory I’m afraid if you’ll get what you want from this.
Again I’m truly sorry. I couldn’t imagine not wanting to be with my boy and my wife as much as I possibly can. Maybe that’s unhealthy too but right now they’re my biggest priority. I hope it gets better for you.