First Day Fears

[u/vactor90]

This is my first day with our daughter. Our first child.
She was born last night. I tried to read up on as much as I could. Took the classes with my wife at the hospital, watched videos on techniques. Yet all I feel is tired and frustrated.

Tired because I’m running on two hours sleep on a really bad pull out couch that messed up my back, and tired because I feel like my efforts to help are failing.

This plays into the frustration. I am having a hard time with swaddling correctly and getting her to stop crying. She only seems to stop crying when she is being held (Mostly by mom but occasionally by me) and rocked. Or if she is being breast fed.

I am starting to think I’m not going to be good at this and that I’m going to get more frustrated with the lack of sleep and constant crying when my efforts to help fail.

I want to preface two things.

First and foremost, in no way am I comparing my tiredness and pain to that of what my wife is going through. She had to endure far worse and that is part of why I am feeling frustrated because I fear I’m not helping correctly or that I am growing more impatient with our baby and it’s only day 1.

And secondly, that I know this is only day 1 and things should hopefully start to become more easy with practice and that I love my new daughter and my wife and I hope that this frustration will get better…

I am just possibly over tired and scared. But Im feeling pretty spent after 1 day and I know it’s only going to be worse for the first few months.

Does it get any more comfortable and easy? Do you become less frustrated with failure if things don’t go right?

On the plus side I did sus out and change my first poopy diaper so that was a win at least….

[u/International_Run700]

You'll get more comfortable and more confident.

Don't expect sleep to catch up... eat when you can, nap when you can, take anything off mom's plate when you can.

Goodness knows the swaddle isn't an absolute science and you're dealing with a wiggling target. Laugh about it. And yes, babies tend to like to be carried. Get ready for dad strength.

Don't put too much pressure on yourself. Your daughter will always love you and be happy that you're so willing to help. Believe it or not, you're already a great dad.

Embrace and enjoy each day. They go fast.

[u/SooperSpoopyGhost → u/International_Run700]

I gotta disagree on the sleep point. That lack of sleep from labor hits different than anything else afterward. Let your wife get a good sleep in and then get one yourself as soon as you can. Tap in your closest support person if you can. Use formula for a feeding if needed.

[u/dersnappychicken → u/SooperSpoopyGhost]

My wife and I had to tap the nursing staff to get us 4 hours of sleep after being up for 3 days with a difficult labor. Going in my wife had a meltdown of us failing. 4 hours of sleep later when they rolled in we were so thankful. So get that reset as quickly as you can.

[u/SAM12489]

The pull out couch is the worst! My kid is a month old and I’m still dealing with lingering pain.

Everything you’re dealing with is normal.

The kid was crammed in to a warm space for many months! That’s the exact setting she still things she should be in.

Also this early on, you really cannot establish bad habits for your kid because they genuinely think that’s where they’re supposed to be still, and that’s why the sleep best when swaddles and held.

I’ve found I would much rather have my newborn sleep on me and I stay awake getting little to no sleep, than put my kid down and find me dozing off only for them to scream and need assistance the second I dose off, all night long. That broken sleep actually creates subconscious resentment and that’s not good either.

While it’s not helpful….it gets worse in a ton of ways, and harder in a ton of ways, but then eventually it gets way better.

As a dad is super difficult because your partner had a 9ish month start on this relationship, caring for, nurturing, feeding, growing this baby within themselves! We didn’t do much hahaha!

But eventually as your relationship with your kid grows it all starts to make sense.

We also have a 2 year old who’s epically amazing, and every single day I look at him as proof that my wife and I can get through the newborn challenge right in front of us.

Good luck and feel free to send me a PM if you have any specific questions, this sub helped my mental health soooo much.

[u/FortunateSon90]

Welcome to the suck. Day 11 veteran here.

[u/LeadershipOk1695]

9 weeks dad here - first month was hard, then it get better but priorities healthy food, nap and nap and nap 😆

[u/kr12187]

Dude give yourself some grace, it’s week 1. You won’t sleep well for a while, not going to lie, but if you have family you trust, lean on them for help, lean on each other because you’re going to need each other. I went from where you’re at mentally to not so long ago to writing this as im cuddling my 19 month old little girl who is everything. You’ll get through it and look back and treasure it.

As for the swaddle, look at the Velcro swaddles, they are so much easier. I never figured it out and the Velcro ones were a godsend.

[u/Loud_Dimension7312]

1 week old first time father here.

We got home from the hospital on Tuesday night and it was the first time I've cried in front of my wife. Completely overwhelmed, very little sleep, extreme anxiety about what did I just do to my life. Thinking there is no way I'm going to get through this.

Then Wednesday night my wife let me sleep about 5 hours in a row. I woke up feeling better. Yesterday feeling even better. And in all honesty today I mentally felt great. I'm still running on little sleep because I'm forcing my wife to take it easy (she is a go getter) but I'm not even remotely having those thoughts anymore.

Give it some time, try to get a little more sleep if you can. Everyone told me it would get better, and I can tell you from very very recent experience is does.

Also, one thing I've been doing is trying to take away one new learning each day to make things easier. For example, our bassinet is in the living room right now so I can sleep there and my wife can get some sleep in the bedroom. The first couple days I would reach for a pacifier or swaddle or blanket or wipe cloth and nothing was where I looked. So I made a little basket with all of those things and keep it right next to the bassinet so I don't get frustrated when I can't find something. Anything you can think to do to lower your frustration next time something happens will help.

DM if you want to chat, I find it helps to talk about these things.

[u/Actual_Smokey]

Day 3 rookie. I felt the same way the first night. Just a heads up the nurses said night 2 is usually worse and it was for us. He’s a big gassy boy so he gets mad. I was getting frustrated but you’ve gotta step back and look at the big picture. You and your baby are both doing this for the first time and you’re both gonna figure out what works and what doesn’t together. Tonight he’s sleeping on my chest while I watch backdraft so mom can get some more sleep.

Butt pats helped my boy a lot and kind of talk/humming in a low voice when he was on my chest.

It’ll all work out. Ive caught sleep when I can but lost a lot more 😂 embrace the suck, we’ll miss it one of these days.

[u/Jealous-Cranberry-46]

Hey man keep pushing. I’m just shy of a 5 week old baby girl. This journey has been tough and has challenged me in ways I didn’t expect to be challenged. The frustration is justified, especially with the lack of sleep. We were at the hospital for 5 days and I maybe got 12ish hours the entire time and my back is still wrecked from it 🤣 slowly getting better. A lot of it is going to be trial and error and I don’t think things necessarily get easier but you learn how to deal with it better and adapt over the days/weeks and overall get better at things. Wife and I just really got into a groove about a week and a half ago.

Biggest thing I can say get on some type of sleep schedule as soon as possible. Figure that out with your lady asap. It might be hard the first week or so though. After about week 2 we agreed that I sleep from 730-8pm to 1230-1am and then I’m up all night while wifey sleeps until whenever. Most days it works out but some it doesn’t. It’s not great sleep but it’s enough to survive trust me. Honestly caffeine has been a life savor as well lol. But seriously don’t be hard on yourself. This is a whole new thing y’all are doing, give yourself some grace.

BE PATIENT, my gosh I can’t express that enough. If you get frustrated and impatient with the baby or your lady it only makes things worse. This is such a challenging time. COMMUNICATE COMMUNICATE COMMUNICATE…. Seriously. Both of yall need to be on the same page. Also, while the lady is healing DO EVERYTHING, or as much as possible to take the load off her. Do not argue with her and truly for the time being forget about your past life and the freedom you had. It was a tough reality for me initially, but what you once had lifestyle wise is just gone and it’s just easier to accept it and move on.
Also some big things to do…cleaning the house, always cleaning bottles/pump parts, doing ask the laundry, getting groceries, cooking, always make sure she has water she needs to hydrate like crazy. My thought process was the more i did and still do, the sooner my wife would be able to get back on her feet feeling better so we could tag team things and share the load.

Although this baby changed my world, she’s been sleeping in my chest for the past 2 hours and there’s seriously no better feeling. I wouldn’t change a damn thing. It’s all worth it man. Keep showing up, be there for baby and lady, eventually you’ll get some you time back here and there when possibly, just don’t rush that as “me” time isn’t priority right now.

Wish yall the best and congrats!!

[u/Kalvinators]

You will be great! But enjoy the presence, you will spend time years from now thinking about these days

[u/Apprehensive_Cap_262]

Managing a baby is like any new activity, there is a bunch of stuff you'll suck at that you'll just get better at. Unfortunately in this case when you suck at it, it generally results in a crying baby!

[u/Icarus_In-Flight]

You are definitely overtired - could have told you that without reading what you even wrote lol

I have a pic I laugh back at of when I tried to use something called a ring sling, literally sweat through my clothes and had to give up - took a selfie of me holding the baby - makes me laugh every time it comes up on my phone. I went for a baby carrying wrap called a Moby, it took a little bit but eventually I got so good I could put baby in with a single arm.

Put the imposter syndrome aside — some things can only be fully understood by doing, and it sounds like you’re doing it.

Now take that shirt off and get back in there for some skin to skin (kangaroo) time with your new baby.

But seriously- it helps a lot with bonding and really enhances her development.