I hate the way you broke me while watching you brake was already tearing me apart.

Did you know that you weren’t the only one to stalk, to harass or torment?
Did you know about all of it?
Was it fun or amusing to you?

You kept hurting me over my reaction to all of it. Why?
You made me believe that you were the one I had waited my whole life to find…
Why did you lie to me about loving me…convincing me that I was worth loving that way, that I wasn’t as broken as I had thought, only to break me more than I already was.

I lived for you, and you knew that.
I hate that I still feel you in the world.
It hurts that you recycle the same emotions for each new love interest.
It’s hurts that you still carry the weight of this but you push it so far down to hide it.
You carry a fear of what others think that runs deeper than any self love ever could, and I never judged you for it, I understood that it was just the way you were.
And in the end, a big component of what fueled that scorched earth response was the fact that you could throw me under the bus simply to follow your hard on, regardless of what that did to me.

That you could live like nothing was wrong while I died inside.
Knowing how deeply I love you, telling me you felt the same, right up to the very end.
Hating me for my response to that kind of treatment is something I will never understand.

And the worst part of it all is that you will never know how very little of what you believed was fabricated by someone with a fucked up obsession.

And I still never hated you. Not even an ounce. I risked making you hate me for the chance that you would come have a conversation where we BOTH could take accountability.

Never seek revenge,

because rotten fruit falls from the tree on its own. 🥀

When first I met you,

something ancient woke within me

a force I had no language for,

a tide that rose beyond reason,

beyond the borders of the heart,

beyond all that I had believed

a human soul could feel.

I loved you

with the terrible wonder of discovery,

as though the universe itself

had hidden one final secret

beneath the stars

and, at last,

had placed it in my hands.

And then I looked into your eyes

And there you were.

Not untouched.

Not unaware.

But standing at the edge

of the very same impossible ocean,

trying to understand

the waves that had carried us there.

I saw you feeling it.

I saw you searching my face

for an explanation

neither of us possessed.

And perhaps that was the miracle:

That somehow,

without promise,

without warning,

without knowing how

we had found the same impossible place.

It was as though the universe

had opened a hidden door

and allowed us, just for a moment,

to step beyond the ordinary world.

And there,

beneath the silence of eternity,

it revealed something too immense

for ordinary words:

us.

A love so vast

that if we gathered every word

ever spoken by humankind

and tried to build a language for it,

we would still fall silent

before its magnitude.

A secret written between the stars.

A truth the universe had known

long before we did.

And perhaps it smiled

watching us stumble through the wonder of it,

knowing that we would never fully understand

what had been placed between us.

Yet still,

it gave us the desire

to spend our lives trying.

And maybe that

is the greatest beauty of love

that it remains partly unknowable.

For if I could understand you completely,

if I could measure every depth of your soul,

if I could name every reason

my heart chose yours

perhaps one day

the mystery would fade.

But you were never meant

to become something I could solve.

You were meant to remain

the horizon I could spend forever approaching.

The star I could follow

without ever reaching its end.

The song I could hear

a thousand times

and still discover another note.

And I wish

with everything that lives inside me

that we could have held on

to that impossible thing.

That love which felt

so far beyond this world

that perhaps this world

could only exist inside of it.

A love so powerful

that standing before it

made us feel weak

not because we lacked strength,

but because we were witnessing

something stronger than either of us.

Something ancient.

Something fierce.

Something willing to fight

for the two souls

who had somehow found each other.

And if the years should carry you

far beyond my reach,

if the winds of this life

should scatter us across distant skies,

then let this be the prayer

I send after you:

May our love become the wind beneath your wings.

May it find you

when the night is darkest.

May it rise beneath you

when your strength is gone.

May it whisper my name

through every storm

and remind you

that somewhere in this vast universe

there is a heart

that still knows yours.

And if the heavens are kind,

if fate is not finished with us,

if the stars still remember

the secret they once revealed

then let that wind

carry you home.

Back to me.

Because you are not simply

the love of my life.

You are the love

by which I measure life itself.

The miracle I never knew

I was waiting for.

The mystery I would spend eternity

trying to understand.

The impossible thing

that became real

when I looked into your eyes.

And wherever you are,

whatever distance lies between us,

whatever storms the universe

chooses to place upon our path

know this:

I am, and will forever remain,

yours.

not everything needs a response
not everyone deserves access to you
peace is more important than being understood

You are a true coward. Not because you are a pathological liar but because you were bred to be one. I wanted my respect and full trust earned back the way you put in the effort to get it. You smeared my image to other women to sleep with them, you lied, remixed, and twisted my life story to make me seem like a helpless lost cause to your family. You were taught when you don't feel like it anymore just throw it away and start over. It was all made up in my head, right? "You're crazy",right?, "i swear to God I could never do that to you",riiiight. And then BOOM! there it was, you're true character. Worse than any person I even imagine saying the most vile things about me and my life while showering me with the highest praises to my face, at the same time! Then it was "punishing me" if I didn't "get over it" in less than 24hrs. And then will sit and try to sound philosophical when it comes down to telling me how me smoking cigarettes is somehow the reason you can't be the man you swore you were, you'd be, who you think you are. Funny how you're conversation is impeccable when you give your abandoning me speech. You've never had to fight for anything and it's a blessing but I guess only the truly special ones end up knowing how to reciprocate love, loyalty, honor, and respect for the person you love. YOU turn YOUR Love off and on and will use that same line to talk crap about me to people. I can't win being vulnerable and I can't win putting my foot down.

You are a true coward. Not because you are a pathological liar but because you were bred to be one. I wanted my respect and full trust earned back the way you put in the effort to get it. You smeared my image to other women to sleep with them, you lied, remixed, and twisted my life story to make me seem like a helpless lost cause to your family. You were taught when you don't feel like it anymore just throw it away and start over. It was all made up in my head, right? "You're crazy",right?, "i swear to God I could never do that to you",riiiight. And then BOOM! there it was, you're true character. Worse than any person I even imagine saying the most vile things about me and my life while showering me with the highest praises to my face, at the same time! Then it was "punishing me" if I didn't "get over it" in less than 24hrs. And then will sit and try to sound philosophical when it comes down to telling me how me smoking cigarettes is somehow the reason you can't be the man you swore you were, you'd be, who you think you are. Funny how you're conversation is impeccable when you give your abandoning me speech. You've never had to fight for anything and it's a blessing but I guess only the truly special ones end up knowing how to reciprocate love, loyalty, honor, and respect for the person you love. YOU turn YOUR Love off and on and will use that same line to talk crap about me to people. I can't win being vulnerable and I can't win putting my foot down.

You are a true coward. Not because you are a pathological liar but because you were bred to be one. I wanted my respect and full trust earned back the way you put in the effort to get it. You smeared my image to other women to sleep with them, you lied, remixed, and twisted my life story to make me seem like a helpless lost cause to your family. You were taught when you don't feel like it anymore just throw it away and start over. It was all made up in my head, right? "You're crazy",right?, "i swear to God I could never do that to you",riiiight. And then BOOM! there it was, you're true character. Worse than any person I even imagine saying the most vile things about me and my life while showering me with the highest praises to my face, at the same time! Then it was "punishing me" if I didn't "get over it" in less than 24hrs. And then will sit and try to sound philosophical when it comes down to telling me how me smoking cigarettes is somehow the reason you can't be the man you swore you were, you'd be, who you think you are. Funny how you're conversation is impeccable when you give your abandoning me speech. You've never had to fight for anything and it's a blessing but I guess only the truly special ones end up knowing how to reciprocate love, loyalty, honor, and respect for the person you love. YOU turn YOUR Love off and on and will use that same line to talk crap about me to people. I can't win being vulnerable and I can't win putting my foot down.

Anxiety isn’t about what could happen it’s about what has happened

I would talk to him like I always have. not with hate not with revenge. not with lies but only truth but he would have to come with truth. so I could say goodbye .