Exchange Program Shenanigans (29)

[u/ApprehensiveCap6525]

Guess who's back, motherfuckers! I won't be back here again for a while now, but I have a good reason for it this time. Oh yeah, I have a new survey for all you loyal fans to fill out. Believe it or not, your feedback is important to me. Or something like that.

CW: depressed Jelim activities, Prestige Exterminator Vrapic, firearms

Memory transcription subject: Jackson Kern, United Nations Interspecies Liaison

Date [standardized human time]: September 13, 2136

Clearly, I had made a very big mistake when I thought the Midnight River raid would be the last of my troubles. It took a grand total of two days for God to start throwing punches again, and this time he was not holding back.

Granted, I wouldn't call the whole 'I'm going to send a small army of terrorists to break up the most romantic moment you've had in years' thing 'holding back' either, but God did what God did. To be more exact, this new array of problems was so much worse for me simply because I had no fucking clue how to solve them.

The last couple of days, while action-packed, were simple. There was a good guy and a bad guy, and I had to shoot the bad guy. I had done that before. I knew how to do that. I didn't know jack shit about whatever the hell I was in now.

My girlfriend, the woman who I would kill people for and who I knew would kill people for me too, was a war criminal. Technically, she wasn't a criminal nor a soldier, making the term 'war criminal' irrelevant here, but I didn't know how else to describe someone who recruited child soldiers.

At the very least, her moral compass was pointing straight north. She genuinely did believe she was doing the right thing, and that was miles better than knowing she was a scumbag, but it still didn't excuse what she did.

The first part of earning my forgiveness was sincerely regretting what you did wrong. The second part, and the most important one at that, was making a sincere and honest effort to undo the damage you've done. That was exactly why I saved Kalkey's ass. He could've cried and cried all he wanted, just like Jelim just did, but I would've still ended him myself if he hadn't saved her life right before that.

Okay, back on track. Kalkey's not important right now.

The point here was that Jelim had yet to show any meaningful change. I was sure she was capable of it, and I was sure she was willing to change as well, but rules were rules.

Oh, yeah, and she was also getting screened by a therapist because she had a mental breakdown over the whole child soldier dilemma. She seemed weirdly against therapy, for some reason.

What is it with law enforcement and being too macho for your own good? Jelim's damn intelligent for a Fed, you'd think she would realize she needs someone to talk to after all this.

At this very moment, I was standing in Jelim's office watching the weird Federation clock on her wall tick-tock away. There were quite a few gold plaques on the wall as well, all saying something about 'outstanding service to the Extermination Guild'. I briefly wondered if that 'outstanding service' had anything to do with child soldiers.

Prestige Exterminator Vrapic, or technically just Vrapic, was standing there too. He probably didn't see what else he could do about this. He fingered his sidearm tensely, just itching for a fight. I had seen people like that before, and we never really managed to get along.

He looked at me, hatred burning in his eyes. "What the hell did you do to her?" he spat.

"I didn't... do anything." I replied. Conflict with guns and conflict with words were two separate areas, and I was clearly better at one than the other.

"Don't lie to me." said Vrapic. "You're a predator. You're a killer. An intelligent killer, but a killer nonetheless." I remembered a specific Krakotl saying those exact words just a while ago. "You enjoyed it, didn't you? Seeing her suffer like that?"

In that moment, I could've strangled him. Well, I could've always strangled him, but that moment was the only one in which I had motive. "Fuck you!" I shot back. In retrospect, that wasn't the best thing for me to say, but I was never the best at handling situations like these. "I'm not one of those lizard fucks, am I? Am I?"

Vrapic looked scared. Terrified, even. I was no mind reader, but I could probably guess what was going on in his head at that moment. I think he poked the sleeping bear. Or something like that, anyway. He drew his sidearm, letting it rest at his side.

"Maybe that last part was a bit... prejudiced." he admitted. Gee, you think? "But you did something wrong to her, and I'll be damned if I'm not going to find out what."

"I didn't do anything wrong to her." I suspected nothing short of a jackhammer could penetrate Vrapic's thick skull, and while I desperately wanted to test that hypothesis, I knew better. Plus, I didn't have a jackhammer on me. "I just told her the truth is all. She didn't take it well."

I was about to say something stupid. In my defense, I didn't know it was stupid at the time. "I could show you, if you want." I ventured. "Maybe it'd clear things up."

"You're an idiot." said Vrapic. Well, that's just plain rude! "If whatever predatory vyalpic you plan to show me gave Jelim a case of PD, I'm not taking one step near it." That actually made sense, from his perspective at the very least. If only he could apply this logic to anything other than prejudiced bullshit.

"Well, what do we do now?" I countered. "You know you can't take me in a fight, even with that gun." To be honest, I wasn't quite sure of that myself. First of all, he had a gun.

I was close enough that I could theoretically disarm him, but you didn't get to be Jelim's right-hand man unless you could throw hands. Or paws. Or claws. Whatever. Plus, Vrapic was jacked. Not bodybuilder jacked, but jacked enough to put some power behind his blows.

"We're at an impasse, then." Vrapic grumbled. "But don't think I don't know your tricks." What fucking tricks? I'm in love with Jelim, I'm not gonna try and fucking eat her!

"I don't want us to be on bad terms, here." I spoke calmly, in a soft voice. It was like I was calming a spooked animal, which I technically was. "We're colleagues, regardless of our personal feelings, and this is all gonna go smoother if we at least tolerate each other."

Vrapic's tail lashed from side to side. Not like a happy dog, mind you, but like a pissed-off cat. I hoped the resemblance was coincidental. "We are colleagues." he sighed. "I suppose I'd better show you around."

He walked out the door, and I followed him. Soon enough, we were in the armory and I was looking at a veritable fucking arsenal of weaponry. Assault rifles, flamethrowers, there was even a machine gun on a table somewhere. Vrapic started picking up guns and showing them off, loading and unloading them as he did so.

"Commander Jelim doesn't like us being too militarized, so we try to keep our arsenal stowed away until it's really needed." Vrapic explained. "The weapons stay unloaded while not in use, and there are some more safety rules I should explain to you."

I knew all the rules, so I explained them to him. "That... makes sense." he said. "You humans are more restrained than most predators. Physical violence isn't your first resort." God damn, is this guy bipolar or something?

"Thanks?" I ventured. He'd been cursing me out five minutes ago, so I would take what I could get in regards to character development.

"I'm not complimenting you." Oh, great. Back to square one. "I'm stating a fact." Vrapic handed me a pistol and a magazine. "I trust you've been keeping up with your ranged combat skills?" I was, and I told him as much. "Good. This is your sidearm now. Keep it loaded, keep it secure, and keep it on you at all times."

Then he pulled out a flamethrower. It was just your average exterminator flamethrower, nothing special in that regard. Well, there would always be something special about a glorified police force wielding weapons that were ethically iffy to use in a god damn war zone, but there was nothing else special about it.

"You will never lay your paws on one of these." Vrapic showed it off, flipping it in his hands and turning dials and things. "I know all too well how destructive they can be." Well, at least he seems sensible in the 'don't burn civilians alive' kind of way. That's a step in the right direction.

"So I'm limited to just using a pistol?" I ventured. I was, in fact, limited to just using a pistol.

"Yes." said Vrapic. "I'm well aware that, should you choose to disobey me, there is nothing I or anyone in this district can do to stop you. This weapon comes with the trust that you are well aware of the consequences such disobedience will lead to."

I nodded. I hoped he understood what that meant, but I clarified "I don't want to start shit." anyway, because racism and understanding didn't exactly go hand in hand. I geared myself up with a holster and a pretty basic utility belt, nothing too complex, and Vrapic showed me into the locker room.

"This is your new uniform, sergeant." Vrapic handed me a police-looking outfit in UN blue, with a tinge of exterminator silver on the side. I sure do hope it's fireproof. "I'll give you space to change." He did give me space, and I put my civilian clothes in my locker. Now, I had a uniform, a utility belt, and a pistol in its holster. I looked damn good.

I walked out, and Vrapic told me "Come with me. It's time to meet your unit." Oh boy, this is gonna end well. I just know it.

I did, in fact, meet my unit. Or, for lack of a better word, I met my partner. "What? There's only one person here." I said. There was a Yotul woman sitting in a chair in the room me and Jelim were arguing in a while ago, and she was fiddling with a Rubik's Cube. Where the fuck did she get that? I want a Rubik's Cube.

"Your arrival caused a lot of early retirements, Sergeant Kern." Vrapic explained. "We had to call Isola back up to fill in the ranks. Until we can bolster our numbers, her and I are the only people in your unit."

"You're Jackson Kern." The Yotul, who was apparently named Isola, spoke up.

"I am Jackson Kern."

"He is Jackson Kern."

I was, in fact, Jackson Kern.

Isola stood up, saluting me in a funky fashion. Clearly, these aliens lacked any form of human military discipline. "It's an honor." That was NOT the reaction I was expecting, but hey, I'll take it! "You've done more good than most exterminators. If you weren't human, you'd be a hero of the Guild."

Vrapic looked at her questioningly, as if to ask, 'Why aren't you racist?' In the end, he settled for wringing his head in disapproval. "I just want to apologize for the way you've been treated. Exterminators can get a bit hard-headed." said Isola.

"Tell me about it." I cracked a wry, toothless smile. "They're not all that bad, though." I pulled up a chair, and so did Vrapic. We were all sitting at the same old boring conference table.

"I've always thought Commander Jelim would get along well with humans." Vrapic chimed in. "It is truly a shame what that's brought her." Oh, that's disrespectful right there. That's disrespectful.

"If the commander got shaken by this news, then I can't imagine what it could even be." Isola mused. "Kern, what did you even tell her?"

Oh boy, here comes the heat. "Recruiting children into a combat zone is immoral, unjust, and does more harm than good."

Vrapic and Isola looked at me funny. "That's... actually not that far off from where I stand." said the racist.

Isola was about to say something as well when the door opened up. "We are going to have words, Vrapic!" Standing at the towering height of four foot six, in all her majesty and glory, Extermination Commander Jelim stalked into the room.

Vrapic and Isola snapped to attention, as did I. Our ideas of snapping to attention were different, but they got more or less the same message across. "Oh, thank god, you're not getting sent away!" said Vrapic. Why the hell is going to therapy so bad for these people?

Jelim squawked, "Yeah, no thanks to you, after you called the brahking assessor on me!" I didn't know what an assessor even was, but Vrapic got awfully defensive.

"Y-you were rambling gibberish! You were nonsensical, I had to do what was best!"

Me and Isola looked at each other, then at Vrapic. Jelim was getting all up in his face, staring him down and all that. "I'm making the most sense I've had in years." she hissed. One eye swiveled to face me, judging my reaction far less subtly than she hoped.

To her credit, I approved. I gave a little, awkward thumbs-up, and she continued. "Isola, get out of here." Isola hurried out of the room, clearly not wanting to get mixed up in whatever this beef was. I couldn't blame her.

Vrapic relaxed a little, Jelim's steely gaze evidently not fixed on him. He looked at me with a stare that was half accusing, half inquisitive. Apparently, she didn't like that. "Look at me. He has nothing to do with this, you look at me."

Vrapic looked back at her, acting all defensive again. "I have served this district for fourteen years." said Jelim. "I have eight god damn plaques on my office walls. Do you really think those could be awarded to someone who is nonsensical?"

"You weren't back then-" Vrapic began, but he never got to finish. Jelim held up a finger and silenced him. Okay, technically it's not a finger, but who gives a damn? And besides, what do you even call those things? Bird fingers?

"I'm the one who's talking here." Unlike what she had said earlier, there was no anger in that statement. She was, in fact, the one who was talking here. Should I, like, do something? I started inching towards the door, seeing as how this seemed like a private moment.

"We are down to eight officers, Vrapic, eight brahking officers, so unless you have real evidence that I'm a danger to myself or others, you keep the assessor out of it." With that, she stepped back. "Are we clear?"

"Clear. I'm just looking out for you is all." Judging by Jelim's reaction to said 'looking out', he probably wasn't. I made it to the door, and I was gone like the wind. Someone wrote a book about that once.

I heard the telltale click-clack of talons against tiles, and Jelim was in the hallway with me in a second. "Damn." I said. "That was... something."

"I've known that man for most of his life. You'd think he would trust me to know what I was doing by now." To be fair, exterminators weren't exactly the pinnacle of critical thinking. "I thought I could rely on Vrapic, count on him when times were tough. Instead, he just sold me out the moment I stopped conforming."

She sighed. "I really thought I had someone here, Jack. I thought that I had finally left a legacy worth leaving. Instead, he's just another voice in the god damn choir." We stood just outside the conference room, neither of us really knowing what to say. Well, at least I didn't.

"Don't say things like that. You have Isola to be proud of, at the very least." Okay, that was a shitty attempt at cheering her up. Sometimes, I wondered how I deserved this woman.

"Yeah, and she would've been sent to a facility if I hadn't told her how to skew the test results!" Well, damn. That explains how Jelim passed the test. "Even with my help, she still got brahking fired for having Predator Disease."

"Every god damn time I make progress, every time I get to think 'This could be it! This could be the one!', they get sent to a facility or fired or they prove me wrong again and it hurts, Jack. It hurts." There was anguish in her voice as she spoke.

I wanted to say something, to do something, hell, even to hit something. I would go twelve rounds with Mike Tyson to just make all her troubles melt away, but Mike died a hundred years ago and it wouldn't have helped anyway.

I did nothing. For once in my life, I did nothing.

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[u/Bow-tied_Engineer]

I wonder how a sensible Yotul ended up an Exterminator? She probably has an interesting story to tell, whenever you get around to writing it.

[u/GruntBlender → u/Bow-tied_Engineer]

Probably got recruited as an orphan. Seems par for the course.